It's been a long week, and going to get longer before it's over...

Wow - a long week for sure, and it's only Thursday!

One week ago today Rowdy got kicked out of school for being disruptive and vandalizing the boys bathroom, then disobeying the principal. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. That morning, however, after I dropped Levi and Rowdy off at school and Rowdy was in a bad mood I went home and said to Paul "I have a feeling we're going to get a call from the school today about Rowdy". Sure enough, around 2:30 my phone rang and it was Principal Dau saying that they had exhausted all of their resources with him and I needed to come get him because he was suspended indefinitely. Since there was only a short time before school was out, the principal just had him sit in the office until the end of the day. When Paul went to pick him up the principal handed him a letter explaining what had happened and said we would set up a meeting after he got help to get him back into school.

And so the ongoing search for help became more frantic, and we made an appointment with our physician to see if he had any suggestions for medication and where we could get help for Rowdy.

So Monday morning at the doctor's office the search began again - but by the Dr. this time. He got a little further than we had because he got to Primary Children's Hospital and actually spoke to someone there. The guy from PCH called me back around 2pm and I explained the situation. He said that PCH wasn't in our insurance network (surprise surprise - here we go again!) and that they didn't feel they could help him if they were. They thought he needed something more involved, something more intense. He said he would make a few phone calls and get back to me.

Around half hour later, he called back and said he had spoken with someone at the University of Utah neuropsychiatric hospital, and their inpatient program was willing to speak to us. So I called them and spoke to them. I hated to think about an inpatient program for a 7 year old, but I didn't think it would hurt to speak with them. So I called them and the next thing I know we are at the U of U and he is being evaluated. We had a 4:30 appointment, and between the evaluation with a social worker, getting authorization from insurance for the program, speaking to the Dr. there and seeing if he thought it would benefit Rowdy and if he qualified for it, getting him upstairs into the pediatric unit, all the paperwork and interviews done, and getting him settled, we finally left him at 9:30 and headed home. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to leave him, and Rowdy had a HUGE smile on his face when we left. I had explained to him on the ride down to SLC that he was going to have some sleepovers at the doctor's and that they were going to try to figure out what was going on in his head. He took it pretty well, and he LOVED the food they served him for dinner (which I think helped - we all know how Rowdy is with food).

Surprisingly, I was okay with putting Rowdy in this program... Levi was okay with it. Sam was okay with it. Rowdy was okay with it. Paul, on the other hand, was not okay with it. He knew it had to be done, but because of his experience with a young family member of his years ago, he had a hard time with it. He couldn't talk to Rowdy on the way down because he was crying almost the whole trip. He cried a few times while we were at the hospital. I finally told him he needed to get it together so Rowdy didn't think it was a bad thing because it is a positive thing. He doesn't want to hurt other kids, he doesn't want to act the way he does, but he doesn't know how to control it. With this program, we are on our way to an accurate diagnosis for Mr. Franklin Rowdy Davis, the right meds, and the skills to help control his impulses for the rest of his life.

So this week has been nothing but therapy appointments, visiting with the kid, and shuffling Sam around between relatives and sometimes Levi too so that my sister doesn't feel the burden of having two of my kids while I deal with everything for the third. I am very grateful for my family and the help they have given me, as well as some of Paul's family, during this time. Without their support it would be much harder.


I also think it would have been much harder had I not been in a similar situation when I was 14. Even though it was hard for my parents, they made decisions that I was not happy about, but am grateful for because I still use the skills I learned 18 years ago during a hospitalization due to severe depression and self mutilation to fight depression even today. And I don't think I cried when taking Rowdy to the hospital on Monday because I know it's not that bad... it's hard, but it's not like you see in the movies. Plus, I cried over the problems enough in the last year and a half. I was here dealing with it pretty much by myself while Paul worked or slept. Something had to be done - and this was for the best all around. Not only does this help Rowdy - but it also saves me from going insane! I know, I know, most of you are thinking, "Wow... I thought she had totally gone insane last year... she has some sanity left?" Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Not much, but a little, and I'd rather not lose the rest of it or I'm going to end up in the adult unit at the U of U.

I called Tommy, my ex-husband and Rowdy's dad, when I was going to admit him and he said to let him know what was going on. After he was admitted I let him know what was going on. I talked to him again this evening (first I'd heard from him since Monday) and told him what was going on, and he seemed indifferent about it. Kind of like he was concerned because he had to be. He asked a few questions and I answered them, and gave him the phone number and the visiting information in case he wanted to call him and/or go up and visit him, but I can't guarantee he will because he asked if Rowdy could turn down talking to him or visiting with him if he goes up there and I told him that Rowdy could say he didn't want to talk or visit with him. It is his right if he wants to pass on the phone call or visit. If it is going to agitate him or piss him off then the nurses and doctors on the ward don't want it to happen. Rowdy is so unpredictable that I can't say yes it will piss him off or no he will be happy to visit with his dad. However, Rowdy and Levi both have a lot of issues to work out with their dad and they need to be taken care of. We need to get to the root of why they dislike him and why they call their real dad "Tommy" and call Pauley "dad". I have an idea, but it's only speculation... until it is discussed and the reason comes out of their mouths we will never know why this happened or why they think this way. I can, however, say it warms my heart that Paul has accepted them as his own and the boys have accepted Paul as their father - they know who is there for them and has been there for them before they could even talk and that he isn't going anywhere.

They are not really looking at Bipolar Disorder for Rowdy right now. His moods seem to be stable. Instead, they are looking more at Autism Spectrum Disorders. The reason for this is because he is at around 50% of where the rest of his class is as far as learning and school is concerned, even though he has an IEP and he is in resource class for part of the day to try to catch him up to them. They asked about my pregnancy with him, and anyone who knew me at that time knows that my pregnancy with him was a nightmare - during the pregnancy during the delivery, and after he was born. I still have problems with my back and belly to this day because of the labor, the c-section, and the STAPH infection after the delivery, so Lord knows it was hard on him too - the whole not breathing after he was born, not being able to stabilize his body temperature, the nurses not being able to regulate his blood sugar, and being 10 lbs and 22 inches long didn't help anything either. They started asking about his development, and when I got to thinking about it he did everything later than Levi or Sam did. He didn't crawl until he was 8 months old, he didn't walk until he was 13-14 months old, and really talking, even one word here and there, didn't happen until he was around 21 months old. Of course mama was there, and he could say "gam" (Gram) and "gapa" (Grandpa), but not much else was there. His vocabulary consisted of around 6-7 words. Top that with him just walking around the perimeter of the yard instead of playing with the other kids in the yard and the neighborhood that wanted him to come play, and you can definitely see a problem there.

The problem is that at the time it was just explained as him being a bigger kid. When addressing concerns at well baby preventative check-ups, since he was a really happy kid, it was explained that he was a bigger kid so it would take him longer to get up to speed physically. There was no reason to test him for problems. Monday I realized that I blamed myself for his problems - there had to be something I did wrong while I was pregnant with him that caused this. I was crying at the Dr. office and it just spilled out of my mouth and our Dr. looked at me and said, "There is no reason to think that way - you did everything that you were told to do. The problem is that there are problems on both sides of his family genetically, and he got more of one side than the other. Levi got the other side." And no, I'm not going to say which side of the boys' family each one takes after - I like to think I have a good relationship with the boys' aunt and uncle (Tommy's half-siblings) and want to keep it that way. What I said was not meant to offend anyone and I want to continue to have a good relationship with them for the sake of my children because I think they are GREAT influences on them.

But anyway, I guess I better get to sleep. I have to be in SLC at 10 AM for another therapy appointment with Rowdy in the morning after dropping Levi off at school, Sam off at Paul's sister's house, and fighting the idiots on the freeway. I have lived in Utah for 13 1/2 years now and I'm still wondering how the population keeps increasing because the people out here can't drive for SHIT!

And on that note, I'm outta here. Until next time...

It seems to be never-ending...

So I spent the entire morning searching and applying for jobs. I have two weeks of unemployment left and no leads. I have this strange feeling I'm going to end up at a fast food place - and if I do, oh well... at least I will be making an effort to support my family. The only problem I see with it may be that we just saved the house and now I'm not going to have an income to keep it. I'm sure it will work out, it always does.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with the school about Rowdy. I don't know what I'm going to do with that kid. I'm almost to the point of letting him be admitted to Primary Children's Hospital for observation and diagnosis. I know it will be hard for him because of his age, but in the long run it will help. We can't find anyone to see him because they aren't taking new patients or they require payment up front and then we have to be reimbursed from the insurance company. Hello - we have a letter from the insurance company stating they guarantee full payment for many visits. Shouldn't that be enough to get help for a child who needs it? And in this day and age, who has the money to pay for visits up front when they cost $200+ just for the doctor to see them for an evaluation? By admitting him we will be in contact with a physician that can help him and will not require prepayment, and our insurance will pay 100% for the hospital visit - but to what emotional damage to my child? Is this really the only option I have?

I find it ridiculous that in this state you cannot get help for mental/behavioral disorders unless you have a low enough income that you can get a medicaid card or a high enough income that you can prepay everything... what about the lower-middle class that is neither? Should the people just be cast to the side until they do something severe enough to end up in the correctional system where they have to be "rehabilitated"? All I want is help for my child and it seems to be impossible to get at this point. So I send emails and make phone calls and search the internet for resources daily that could lead to helping a 7 year old with behavioral/mental disorders... and I haven't found much in northern Utah. If we still lived in central Illinois there would be more than enough routes to explore. But in the prozac capital of the United States where people are told to hide their problems and pretend like nothing is wrong there are few resources available.

Will I be able to find help for my child before it's too late? Every day without help is leading him down a path that he shouldn't have to travel. It is possible to help him - he's still young... but will others help him that have the resources to do it? So far no - at least not in this area of the country we live in.

If only I could find a job or two to cover medical costs and get things started.

Until next time...

Blah Blah Blah...

Blah blah blah...

I think that's all my kids hear when I talk. They have mastered the art of selective hearing already. Yesterday we cleaned house, and I had to get an attitude and start slamming things around to get anyone to help. That isn't the best way to do it, but it seems to be the only way I can get my point across these days to anyone in this household. But I have a semi-clean house now so I guess I got something accomplished.

What are the major things that a relationship needs to thrive? In my opinion there must be communication, respect for one another, and trust. It doesn't matter if the relationship is with your spouse, your child, your sibling or grandparent, or just a friend. If you don't have those three things, what is the point in having that relationship?

The lines of communication in my household can definitely stand to be improved. It seems that the only time anyone listens here is when there is screaming and yelling. That is enough to put anyone in a constant bad mood (not to mention make the manufacturers of headache medicine richer). Talking instead of yelling is definitely something the males in this household need to work on. No one likes to be yelled at, but they seem to think the only way to communicate is to do it as loud as you can.

Respect is another thing that needs to be worked on. In my house I don't think there is much respect at all between the males, and I don't think they respect me. People say respect must be earned, but how much do you have to do before you earn that respect? How far do you have to go before you are just being walked on and taken for granted? I know I'm taken for granted in my house, but like my last post explained, I'm the mom - it's my job.

However, recently I have come to the conclusion that someone I thought respected me really didn't. I don't know what I did or didn't do for that person to push me aside - to my knowledge I haven't done anything. And their spouse, who I thought I was very close to, isn't speaking to me much either. Coincidence? Who knows. I'm not going to worry about this any longer though. When that person or those people are ready to acknowledge my existence again they'll come around. Will I be there? Who knows. Probably. I'm a bit of a push over. I don't have any close friends, just a lot of acquaintances, so when I lose a friend that I can trust and consider close it affects me more than it should. Stupid and silly I know, but I've NEVER had many friends and that is just the way it has always been.

Trust is a big thing in any relationship. If there is no trust then what's the point? You are constantly second guessing the other person and their motives. There will be no open communication because you are constantly thinking that the person is going to run out and gossip about what you have told them, which will cause more and more drama in your life. Luckily (or unluckily) I have always been a person that people can trust to keep from gossiping. My theory on the whole thing is if that person that told me something wanted other people to know what they did or said then they would have told other people themselves. One friend I have has nicknamed me "the vault" because they can tell me anything and I won't tell a soul. Why do I need to? All it does is hurt feelings and cause problems between people.

So what am I getting at?

From my experience, if you don't have trust, respect, and communication in any relationship you will be unhappy. What do you do if you are married and you feel that you don't have those things? You look at the relationship and decide if there is something worth keeping. If it is then you change things. If you don't have the skills to change them yourself, you seek help in changing them - you go to counseling, you sit down and talk about things at home, and you make time for each other. If you decide there isn't anything there worth keeping or working on - you get out of it before you hurt not only yourself but others in the process.

If you need to change your friends to salvage the relationships that are worth keeping then do it. However, if you keep the friends that aren't true friends and get rid of the ones who are then you're doing nothing but setting yourself up for failure.

The decisions you make regarding your friends and family affect not only you, but the people around you. It affects your spouse, your children, and others depending on the decision you have to make. You may just hurt the feelings of those around you and the relationship will be repaired. On the other hand, you may damage a relationship beyond repair and you'll lose a good friend. It's also possible that the relationship will repair itself, but not to the degree it used to be - you become more like acquaintances than true, close friends.

Think about your relationships. Decide which ones are worth keeping and which ones aren't. Think about how you can repair the relationships that are worth repairing. Absolve the relationships that are harmful. It will be hard, but it will be worth it in the long run.

If life in the fast lane is too fast for you, move to the shoulder and apply the brakes for a while - you never know when you're going to crash.

Until next time...

Being a mom...

Being a mom has its rewards, but after being at home for a year and a half now I have come to the conclusion that this stay-at-home mom stuff is for the birds. Don't get me wrong - I love my children to death. I just wasn't meant to be a stay-at-home mom. I am a career mom. I need a job to make me whole.There is something missing in my life, and it's the daily grind OUTSIDE OF THE HOME! All this staying at home has done is make me stir-crazy and ready to kill. I need to be around people that care about more than Wow-Wow-Wubbzy and whether they get to play the Wii or not. And it needs to happen FAST! I'm ready to go work at McDonald's with all the idiots, and with only 3 weeks of unemployment left that might just happen if someone isn't interested in me soon. Keep your fingers crossed that I get a job soon.

Anyway...

Why am I leading with this? Well, because I have come to the conclusion that the world would not turn without a mom to keep things going. I was a single mom for awhile, and I found it easier to be a single mom than a married mom at that time. I think sometimes, especially being a stay-at-home mom not by choice, that it would be easier to be a single mom again - even with one more kid than I had then.

The question that always bugs me is why is it when you have a child the only life that seems to dramatically change is the mother's life? Even before the baby is born the mom has to give things up. If you smoke you're told to quit. If you like to have a drink every once in a while you can't. You have to eat healthier. If you have gestational diabetes you have to give up almost everything you love to eat and, in some cases, poke yourself with a needle several times a day. You waddle, your belly is stretched beyond recognition, things hurt that never have before, and your whole wardrobe is put away for at least 9 months, if not for the rest of your life depending on how much weight you gain or lose. I was fortunate enough to lose weight with each pregnancy (30+ lbs each one from my pre-pregnancy weight), but in return I had to watch and weigh everything I put in my mouth and with the last 2 kids had to inject myself with insulin 7 times a day, sometimes 8.

Then, when our bellies cannot take anymore stretching and we would like to actually be able to eat more than 3 bites before having to wait 30-45 minutes before we can eat anything else because there is no more room to put any food in our stomach because everything is crammed into our rib cage and we pee every 5 minutes because the baby decides they need to stretch, we get to go through hours of pain and agony to deliver the child into this world. Then, if it's a "normal" delivery, we walk around like we sat on a hot coal... if it's a c-section, we're gutted like a fish, our insides taken out, put back in, walk like a hunchback because it hurts to stand, and can't lift anything over 10 lbs for 2 weeks. Seriously? The kid in the car seat weighs more than 10 lbs and they want us to watch it? Get real.If you can show me a mom that actually does that then I've got some ocean front property in Arizona I can get you a good price on.

Anyway, the baby gets here and everyone wants to see it... the mom no longer exists. If you are out somewhere without the baby people ask "why didn't you bring the baby?" People who have never been to your house before will show up just to see the baby. Every once in a while you get a "how are you doing?" or "you look tired!" No shit? I have been up for the last (fill in the blank with an outrageous number) hours straight changing diapers and wiping puke off myself while trying to keep up with the other household chores. And if you already have children at home you have to find a way to entertain them too and make them feel included. And God help you if you are moody at any time during or after the pregnancy - everyone takes it to heart. They just can't accept that your hormones are all over the place because you just squeezed a new life into this world out of a hole that is much smaller than the actual child and are not only feeling sore but also a bit overwhelmed.

Meanwhile, the dad continues life as normal with a small inconvenience here and there. They still get to play sports, they don't have to take time off work, they still hang out with their friends. They get to show the kid off every once in a while and get "boy - you sure did a good job makin' a cute baby!" They get to eat what they want, still get to wear their normal clothing, they don't have to worry about finding a babysitter to do things outside of the house, and the only pain they go through is when the mother inflicts it upon them because they are being an asshole or need to relieve some stress.

Now, I'm not saying children are an inconvenience - they are a blessing. I love my children with all my heart and would not trade any of them for the world (although every once in a while I would trade them for a diet pepsi and a snickers bar). When they have their firsts - their first smile, first laugh, first time they roll over, crawl, pull themselves up, walk, first word, first time they ride a bike, play sports, first crush, first sleepover (hopefully not with their crush), etc - it is so worth it. And when they say "I love you mom" for no reason at all, just out of the blue, it's the best feeling in the world. It's like someone just sprinkled pixie dust on you and pushed you into a rainbow and the colors are all around you and you can't help but smile and giggle.

But most days aren't like that. Most days moms are just taken for granted. They are expected to feed everyone, make sure everyone has clean clothes, a clean house, make sure the bills are paid, and just plain ole worry about the kids well-being in general. Moms are the comforter when the kid is sick or hurt, they are the provider when the kids need anything, and they are the go-to for just about anything and everything the child could possibly want. We are their first strike, and if it doesn't get past mom then they go to dad and it's "go ask your mom".

And what do we get in return from everyone? My favorite shirt isn't clean, I can't find my socks, Ewwww - gross! I'm not eating that! and have you seen my (fill in the blank)? I left it right here on the couch so I could find it but someone has moved it.

Hmmmm... wonder if it ever occurred to the family members in the house that a thank you or I appreciate you goes a long way. Even a few hours OUT of the house alone or with a girlfriend or two once every couple weeks would work, preferably without the dad getting all in a huff and losing control of the household while the mom is gone or getting ready to go.

When you work outside of the home you get paid money for what you do. When you work AT HOME as a homemaker it seems all you get is yelled at for one thing or another, and you know if you had a "real job" that treated you like you get treated at home you would quit in a heartbeat and tell your boss to stuff it (and maybe a customer or two off also). At home you're just expected to take it - no matter what. And if you don't then you're moody, pissy, in a bad mood, a bad mom, or you just don't care and need to change your attitude.

What am I getting at with this long long post?

Well, to make a long story short (too late, I know), is if you're a mom and you're feeling the same thing I am, you're not alone. I totally know where you're coming from. And if you need to vent then do it! I'm here if you can't find anyone. If you need time away from your children I'm more than willing to go somewhere with you and escape mine!

And if you're a dad - HELP OUT if you don't. Say thank you for things. Let your wife know you appreciate her and everything she does for everyone in the household and friends and extended family she does stuff for. We understand you work to pay the bills, please understand that we work too - even though we don't get paid money and don't leave the house to do it. And please understand that our job doesn't ever end! The next time we are bitchy, please keep this in mind, and don't get an attitude. Offer to rub our back or our feet - that would mean more to us than you could ever imagine.

Okay - I'm done with my rant. Sorry it's so long. I know I said this one would be about relationships, and this leads into it in a way.

Until next time...

Dr. Oz and other things...

Today I was watching Dr. Oz like I always do after taking the kids to school and realized I had never been to his website. So I picked up the computer and went to www.doctoroz.com, and what I found amazed me! There are some great healthy recipes, tips from his show, and all kinds of challenges you can participate in. I love watching Dr. Oz. However, I can't see why all the women are so excited to hug him and talk to him... they must be star struck because personally I think he looks like an overgrown elf. But he does cover some excellent subjects and have great tips on the show for eating healthier, explaining some medical conditions people are interested in, and does some GREAT demonstrations. Today's demonstration was on the colon and eating right, and it definitely caught my attention. Another one that caught my attention was the correct way to pop zits - just because it was so disgusting it was funny. You can see that one below :)



Anyway, you can see lots more tips and tricks and things at http://www.doctoroz.com if you have never checked it out, do it - it's worth it!

On another note, Rowdy is on his two weeks without meds thing to see if he is bipolar or if it is something else. He got in trouble at school the other day for pushing a kid down. He's been getting in trouble for that a lot lately, and it's always the same two kids he has altercations with. I got an email from his teacher explaining that he was going to be missing recess for the next two days (he will get them back Friday), so I explained to the teacher what was going on and that while I don't expect them to bend over backwards, there are some things that he needs - like a safe room where he can go when he's pissed off and a little more patience with him. I've been asking for these things since October. He has a safe area, but it's right outside the classroom and everyone can see him when he's upset about something - which just pisses him off more. I told her it was going to be hell and if she had any more questions she could contact me. She wrote back pretty much just thanking me for the warning. I really hope they take my "warning" to heart or they're gonna have a couple weeks of hell and a pissed off mom at the school.

Also, March 31 marks one year that my aunt has been gone. Cancer won a year ago and she was taken from us. While she wasn't always the most pleasant person, I think it was put best by everyone at her services when they said that she was a "very independent, very DETERMINED woman". While I wasn't really close to her growing up, I am proud that I knew her. I just wish she would make it stop snowing here today!! Seriously - snow? All day? Couldn't you have just ordered rain for us here in Utah? People who knew her will know what I'm talking about... RIP Aunt Kathy  XO

Well, I better get to bed. I have an appointment with a hand specialist in the morning about my little finger and my ring finger on each hand always numb and a bump on my left thumb that has been there since I was 16. I wouldn't fret about the bump, but it's grown 4x the size it was in the last month and hurts 70% of the time, and when you push on it the rest of my fingers and my palm goes numb and tingly. If I need surgery then they better schedule me soon so I don't have time to chicken out before it's done!

The subject for the next post I think is going to be relationships... I'm not a relationship expert, but I do have some things I want to talk about and get some opinions about.

So, until next time...

OH! And if I say something you want to talk to me about, you can catch me on FB or email me or even leave a comment, or text me, or call me... I know you're reading this and who you are because I have tricks like that so you don't have to hide from me ;)

It's been a while...

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged so there's lots to catch up on.

For those of you that were following me, you know things got really bad for us last year. I am happy to say we still have our house, things are going better, and so far this year has been good.

When January 1st rolled around, I came to the conclusion that I was just gonna roll with life. God has a plan for everyone, and if I'm supposed to be off work and not have a job yet, so be it. I'm not sitting at home anymore wallowing in my self pity. I'm going out and doing things, even if Paul can't go with me when I'm invited to go. Just because he has to work or doesn't want to go doesn't mean that I can't, right? I'm a responsible adult and the people I go out with aren't THAT bad, and I know how to diffuse crappy situations if they happen. Some people would look at me going out by myself as being selfish, but after sitting in the house for more than a year with kids or by myself I have decided that to keep my sanity in tact (or to gain my sanity back and get my life back on track) I need it. So if you think I'm selfish or it's not right then oh well. Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, and everyone thinks that theirs smells like roses and everyone else's stinks.

Anyway, back to this year...

I've been on a few job interviews, but nothing yet. I am still a candidate for a job I interviewed for earlier this month, and I have another interview tomorrow at a different company. The job market still sucks but is getting better. I have another month left on my unemployment, so I'm hoping I land something soon. Another extension would be nice to get me through the summer, but I'm ready to go back to work. I was ready two months after Hanjin laid me off, but like I said - God has a plan for everyone, and everything happens for a reason. When it's time the right thing will come along, and I'll be working OUTSIDE of the home again :)

There have been good things this year that deal with me not having a job...

1. I get to spend more time with my kids.
2. We qualified to refinance (and save) the house under the Making Home Affordable Program and our interest rates went down to 2% for this year, which dropped the house payment $300 a month and gave us a fixed interest loan that will not go over 5% EVER - YIPPEE!!!
3. The Tri-County Weatherization program replaced our water heater when it went out last November, and a couple weeks ago they replaced all of the windows in the house, put in a new furnace, new smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors all over the house, fixed the front door, and will be back soon to weatherstrip everything. Lemme tell you - I'm LOVING the new windows and the fact that I have a new lock on the front door and we can close it now without the fear of it blowing open or opening by itself.
4. I started bowling again with some fun people on Friday nights. Just getting out of the house and socializing with people has helped A LOT! My conversations now consist of more than "Look what Wubbzy is doing now mom!" and "I can't find my homework - who took it?!?"

I have also decided that I'm going to try and stop smoking this week. I have met a lot of neat people this year, and one in particular has made an impact on me to quit. So I may kill someone or be bitchy the next couple weeks, but it's for the better right? If I snap at you it's not you, it's the lack of nicotine in my system that's been there for the last 4 years again that is no longer there. So, I'm sorry in advance, don't take it to heart. If I call you or text you and just wanna talk please keep me occupied for the short time until the urge to smoke passes, okay? Feel free to pop me up, call me, or text me to check up on me too if you're bored or want to save a life... LMAO ;o)

Paul and I also went to SLC and stood in line for 8 hours at the open casting call of The Biggest Loser on the 20th of this month. It was a very interesting experience! They told us we need to send in a video tape now. We have a good idea, and with the help of some new and old friends I think we can get it done, get the attention of the producers, and get at least to the boot camp before being cast on the show. Hopefully we make it though the boot camp and get ON the show. I'm not sure Paul is ready for a lifestyle change, but I know I am. Which leads me to my next point...

Whether we make it on the show or not, I'm starting a lifestyle change. I know I said that last year when I started this blog, but I feel the way things are going now I can actually do it. I have a 7 year old that weighs 110 lbs and an 8 year old that just sits and watches television most of the time. I have a 3 year old that is obsessed with Nick Jr. - it's time to get my ass moving so I can get their asses moving. I am ready to join a gym (with daycare of course so I have something to do with Sam while I'm there) and start eating healthier. This depression has kicked my ass and now it's time for me to kick it! So if there is anyone that wants to join me just let me know! We can be the biggest losers at home!

Well, it's time for bed... have a good day tomorrow!

How can something going so good turn to something so bad so fast?

Well, the weekend started out great and then turned to shit.

Yesterday Rowdy was good. I didn't want to pull my hair out or run away or anything. He was in a good mood and behaved well... he even apologized to his teacher for growling at her on Monday. We took Levi to practice and he did very well. Now that it's the end of the season he is starting to get comfortable and proving himself. I love watching him at practice and in today's games. Tommy's girlfriend met us at practice and picked them up from the park for the weekend, then Paul and I headed to the bowling alley to visit with his brother Juan and his wife Juanita and some friends before Paul had to bowl at a different bowling alley at 9. While we were there Juan and Juanita invited us to go to dinner and to see the movie "Paranormal Activity" this evening, and since we never do anything anymore we went online and bought our tickets and were excited to actually be getting out of the house and doing something like a date night with other couples that are our family and friends. After they were done we went to the other bowling alley in Ogden so Paul could bowl league there and had a great time with Nat and Doug and more from Paul's side of the family. We decided to stop by Wal-Mart on the way home and pick up a few things, so when we got home at 1:30 am we were both exhausted and excited about the junior mite football invitational this morning and fell right to sleep.

So this morning we got up and put on our Clinton Seahawks gear and headed to the football fields. Levi's team had two games today and both of them were very exciting! All of the boys played their hearts out in the first game, but Brigham City still got the best of them and we lost 14-0. However, the second game we came back to show them what we were made of. I'm not sure what those boys had for lunch, but whatever it was they need to have it for breakfast next Saturday! The boys came into that game and showed South Weber what Clinton was made of and ended up with a 26-6 win... YIPPEE!! Way to go boys! I can't wait until next weekend :)  You can see pics from both games on my facebook, and if you don't have facebook you can link to them here.

By the time the games were over we were late to dinner but decided to go hang out anyway and then go to the movie since we already bought our tickets. So we ran home, grabbed some clothes for Sam to run to Marcie (Paul's sister who had him), and then planned on heading to Ogden for dinner and the movie. We dropped off Sam's clothes and he said he wanted to come home. We told him that we would be back in just a couple of hours to get him because we were going to the movies and it was a scary show so he couldn't go. He was fine with it, so we headed up to Ogden. We pull into the parking garage and all of a sudden I start getting text messages like mad from my mother-in-law calling me things that aren't nice at all, telling me I'm worthless and that I'm a bad mother and that my kids should be taken away from me. This isn't the first time I've heard this, and I'm sure it won't be the last. However, she just wouldn't stop. I told her to get off my back and it just got worse. Once we got into the restaurant and sat down with everyone, I looked at Paul, who was in a bad mood anyway because of this, and said let's go. We weren't even there for 5 minutes. We walked over to the movie theater, got the tickets we had already reserved and paid for, walked back over to the restaurant to give them the tickets we reserved but other people had paid for along with our tickets, and decided just to go. They gave us our two tickets back and told us to go get Sam and take him to their house and come back for the movie. By this point there is no way we were enjoying anything even if we could make it to pick up sam and drop him off at my Dad's house or Juan's house for their son to watch and then make it to the theater by the time the movie started, so instead of arguing with them (mind you I'm crying in the middle of The Junction in Ogden by this point) I just said "I can't do this anymore" and walked back to the car. I'm not sure when Paul started following me, but by the time I got to the car and had it unlocked he was there and handed me the tickets and started fielding the text messages coming in on my phone from various people. We picked Sam up, came home, he went to bed and I'm sitting here watching Yo Gabba Gabba with Sam while writing this and $20 worth of movie tickets are sitting in my car going to waste.

I am in a rut - I know that. I am having a very hard time right now. With everything going on, the last thing I need is for another person to tell me I'm a horrible mother and worthless at everything I do in life. My oldest son resents me because I don't get to spend enough time with because I'm dealing with the other two. My middle son I screwed up by having a horrible pregnancy and delivery. My youngest son never wants to come home because of the middle son always trying to beat on him because he is the youngest and is jealous of him.

Oh - and I think Sam might be diabetic. I have to get him into the doctor on Monday morning. He has had a few days where he has been drinking non-stop and has been wetting his pants and doesn't even really know it. So since Marcie has a blood glucose meter at home I told her to stick him last night and see what it was. Well, it was 168 last night two hours after eating, and that's a little high. The doc tells me I need to be 120 or less 2 hrs after a meal. I wanted to go get him last night or this morning but she said he was fine and would keep an eye on him, so I told her to take a fasting sugar this morning and tell me what it was when she took it. The reading this morning was 162, which is way high. A fasting sugar should be less than 100, some doctors say it should be less than 90. I don't know what I am going to do if he is diabetic too. Of course I'm going to find a way to get through it and do what I have to - that's what mom's do. But it's not going to be easy for him. They don't put children on oral medication, they take insulin shots. I can't help feeling like it is my fault he may have it. I'm the one that carried him, I'm the one who gave birth to him, and it was because of my body and my gestational diabetes that he was born almost 6 weeks early and spent 2 weeks in the NICU because of underdeveloped lungs and then came home on oxygen for 2 more week after that. As Paul walked around the house this morning before we left for the game saying, "I can't believe my son may be sick" I started crying again. I couldn't help it - the tears just rolled and I couldn't stop them no matter what I did. Here I have one son that has a mental disorder that he will have to deal with the rest of his life and another that may have physical problems he will live with for the rest of his life - and I can't help but think it is all because of me. Then this evening I have more people telling me I'm a bad mom... what am I supposed to do???

And I have decided to withdraw from school for a little while. I know I only have 18 weeks of class time left and a 3.8 GPA with 3 classes to go, but I can't do it right now. With everything else going on I am totally stressed out already, and while I have been going to school without an extended break for a year and a half now it is starting to wear on me. I got rid of the dog because no one would help take care of him and the stress of dealing with the dog, the kids, the house, watching kids, keeping up with school, and trying to stay sane was too much for me. I couldn't cut out anything else, so when one of the 5 kids at my house last spring let the dog out the front door and he ran off right before school and I had to chase him down I let him go to an adoption program. I made sure he wouldn't be put to sleep, and it killed me to let him go because he was such a good dog, but for my sanity and the safety of the dog I had to do it. I didn't want him to get let out and hit by a car like the dog we had before him, and I couldn't be sure that someone wouldn't let him out again.

Now, however, there is nothing else I can cut out. I can't cut out the kids, I can't cut out the house, I can't cut out the job hunt, and I can't cut out the various other stresses in my life right now. The only option is school until things get situated again - until things return to the organized chaos they were when I was working. I know a job isn't going to solve all of my problems, but it would be a good start. Hell, an interview would be a good start. All the rejection letters combined with all the issues at home are really starting to get to me. Maybe all of the things people are saying are true. I know I'm supposed to be changing thigs for the positive, but I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I don't even want to comfort eat this time... I want to comfort starve. Neither one are good for me because of the whole diabetes thing, but I can't help but want to escape it all permanently and still wonder what in the hell God is trying to prove by sending all of this my way.

Well, I have made this long enough. I'm going to go search the job boards again, send out a couple hundred resumes, and wait for the rejection letters to start rolling in.

Until next time...

Here we go again...

Well, here we go again. I am eating non-stop it seems like because I am stressed out to the point that I am exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. The only things that seem to still be working are my fingers and my jaw. In other words I can type and click, and I can eat. Eat Eat Eat Eat EAT! I ate three chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing on them yesterday and another one today... and I don't even LIKE chocolate cupcakes and I HATE icing!! I have been avoiding the scale because I know I have gained at least a few pounds. Why am I this way you ask? Well, let me tell you...

Rowdy has been unbearable lately. He does nothing but argue and pick fights with EVERYONE! He even growled at his teacher the other day, which didn't go over very well. When Paul picked them up from school on Monday, the teacher said he has been very defiant over the last couple of weeks, very unattentive, and he growled at her because he didn't want to do something that day. Then she said "So what's different at home?" Ummm.... nothing is different here. And "Where is dad at when all of this is going on Franklin?" Well, "real dad" (who really doesn't even count because he is never around for his children now that he has a girlfriend with four kids and they have moved out of his parents' house where they lived for a year) is never around and doesn't pay his child support. And Paul, stepdad, is at work or asleep most of the time. Paul then explains to her that he is now comfortable with everyone there at the school and it's only just begun. The lady then pretty much accused us of being bad parents. Go figure. It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Guess that's what happens when it's just mom who can barely function anymore from all the stress of bills that can't be paid, constant fighting and yelling at home by one or more people, and only having three classes left before my degree is obtained yet no time for school work until after everyone goes to bed or leaves for work. By that time I have around 2 hrs (soon to be 1 hr) to complete the assignments due that day before they are late. Yeah, right. Like that ever happens. Anyway, needless to say, Rowdy's school finally realized that he does need special attention and I have an appointment to create an IEP for him with the principal, the special ed teacher, his regular teacher, me, and Rowdy tomorrow at 3:30. Not sure what I'm going to do with Levi during that time, but it needs to be done.

And we are no further in the process of saving the house. No one wants to move in here with us (do you blame them??) and my unemployment runs out in two weeks. There are no possible jobs out there for me because of underqualified, overqualified, bad fit, too far north by 3 miles, no degree, etc. I could go on and on and on. I counted up the rejection letters I have received in the last 6 months and there are around 65-70 of them. That doesn't count the ones that didn't even send me a letter or email letting me know I wasn't good enough to even get an interview with them, let alone work for them. My resume looks good, my job history is good, but there's something about me that they don't like. Could it be that I was with a company for almost 8 years and never advanced past a title of "Coordinator"? Hello people - I did the job, I trained my team lead to do his job, I filled in for 7+ years at the supervisor position when they were not able to do it because of not being there or not knowing what the hell to do! I actually got a rejection email the other day from a company that I applied for a job as an administrative assistant for $9 an hour without any hint of ever getting an interview. Believe it or not I am qualified for that position, but they seemed to think that my steady work history and working in an office setting for 8 years wasn't good enough to fill the opening. What the hell is wrong with me that no one thinks I'm qualified to do anything? I'm a fast learner, I'm smart, I take pride in my work... yet even with these qualities being outlined in a letter of recommendation I can't even get an interview. Guess I need to figure out where we are going to live come January.

In all my life I never thought I would face being married with 3 children and worrying about a place to live, yet that is where I am at. I remember the day I signed my mortgage papers on March 31, 2005. I was so happy. I even called Mike when I left the office with the keys, crying and blubbering because I was so happy and told him, "I'm a homeowner now... I can't believe it!" I took a week off of work to get moved in and paint and buy new appliances with the extra allowance I got on the loan. Things were looking up! Then the day I went back to work Levi got his butt pretty much ripped off by a dog, and that's when things started to go downhill, and it seems like it's been going that way ever since. I don't even talk to Mike anymore because I can't get ahold of him or he is avoiding my calls for some reason. He was the only person I considered my friend for a long, long time. Every time even a hint of sunshine comes through the clouds it starts to pour again and clouds over worse that it was before. When is enough enough?

I know I should stay optimistic, but I can't. I did that for the last 5 years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I think I have finally been broken, almost beyond repair. We (everyone who knows me) have all known for years that I had some cracks in my foundation, but it seems like over the last year or two those cracks have gotten big enough that everything is starting to crumble. If I still lived in Illinois I could seek out a support group in the area and have someone to talk to or relate to about what is going on. Out here in Utah, the anti-depressant capital of the world, there aren't groups such as that. Everyone is expected to take their meds and deal with it. If they can't deal with it then they figure out how to hide it. You're supposed to go to church, pretend bad things don't happen, have a gigantic family, and smile. Anything else is seen as unacceptible. Guess what? I'm one of the unacceptible ones. I can't put a smile on my face and hide that fact that I'm afraid that my 6 year old is going to kill me. I can't hide the fact that ever since I was pregnant with Sammy and had no clue what he looked like I have had nightmares at least 3 times a week that Rowdy kills him when he is around 3 or 4 years old and then kills me when I try to stop him. I can't hide the fact that Levi, now 8 years old, resents me for divorcing his dad and marrying Paul. And I can't hide the fact that my 3 year old doesn't even want to come home because he's afraid of his brother. And, last of all, I can't hide the fact that I feel worthless and alone in this world and wishing that I leave this earth sooner rather than later.

I was watching Diet Tribe the other day and Mary, the stay-at-home mom on the show, said something I think every single day during a group counseling session. Here is how it played out word for word...

 Dr. to group: "I want to talk to you about what does is mean to be successful. Who will you be if you become successful. Let's hear from Mary. What would success be to you?"

Mary: "Success to me would be to be happy, because I am very unhappy in life with a lot of things. Before I walk in the front door I think ugh... I'm home."

Dr. to Mary: "You're tired."

Mary: "Very tired. There has been many days where if I could get in my car and drive away and no one would just me I would. And that's not good."

I can totaly relate to her and her situation. Like me, she has two children from a previous marriage and one from her current marriage. She is constantly having to try to keep up with everything at home. She is the peacekeeper of the family, being tugged back and forth between the older kids and her husband and the youngest. The difference between the two of us is that she chose to give up her job and stay home and take care of the kids while I didn't have a choice. Paul didn't want to move to Arizona until it was too late, so I gave up my career for my family. Now I can't find a job to save my life and he's kicking himself for not wanting to move. I guess we learn from our mistakes. As I have said before, hind sight is the best sight, right?

Well, it's almost time to pick up the kids and I have a couple of loads of laundry to fold.

Until next time...

Rejection letter after rejection letter...

If I receive one more rejection letter stating that I'm not qualified, I'm over-qualified, or there are candidates that fit the job profile better I'm gonna scream. Most say that I'm over-qualified or that there are others that fit the profile better because they have a degree. First - just because I don't a piece of paper doesn't mean that I don't have the required skills to do the job, be it managerial or an entry-level position. Second, HOW IN THE HELL CAN SOMEONE BE OVERQUALIFIED??? Wouldn't you want someone working for you in an entry-level position that is more than qualified to do the job in case their performance and their work ethic was outstanding and another position became available that you could move them into? You know, work your way up the ladder like in the olden days? One company sent me a rejection email less than 24 hours after I put in the application and sent my resume and recommendation letter to them. After talking to someone that works for them, apparently I am outside of their hiring radius by 3 miles even though I am qualified for the position. How can a company determine whether you will be a good employee or not just by your location? As much as I hate it, I have come to the realization that the only place there are jobs right now is SLC because there is nothing from Ogden to Bountiful, but I'm being rejected by companies in SLC because I live up north... what do you do about that one? I do have some friends looking out for positions I am qualified for, so that's a plus. One night this week I sat up all night applying for jobs via the internet and chatting with a former co-worker for part of the night who was also searching job boards for me and sending me the links to them. To that person - if you read this, thank you so very much once again, I really do appreciate it.

On another note, so far I'm keeping up with my classes I started this week. I do find myself wondering how people with such bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation can make it a year or more through their advanced education without realizing they sound like a complete idiot when they post. I find myself having to decipher most of the discussion posts in my marketing class before I can respond to them. And I'm sure it will be the same in my nutrition class come next week when it's time for discussion. However, I'm glad I am taking this nutrition class because I think it's going to be pretty easy for me. Week one has dealt with mypyramid.gov, and many of you that have been following my posts know that I love that site and that I am trying to follow that meal plan. As I looked ahead and reviewed the rest of the course material, I couldn't help but notice there is a chapter on Diabetes (which I have been dealing with for the last 4 years straight, as well as when I was pregnant with Levi and Rowdy a few years prior to that), exercise (I may not do it much but I know the ins and outs of it), and other stuff I have had to educate myself on because of having Type II Diabetes. So, needless to say, I think the next 9 weeks are going to go pretty well for me when it comes to school. Now if the job-front and home-front projection go as well as the school-front projection then my life will start returning to normal.

We have a busy weekend coming up and hope we can fit everything in. Levi's birthday was Tuesday, October 6, and he turned 8. Yes, it has been that long, and I can't believe it either. So we are having a birthday party for him on Sunday at the bowling alley. Why the bowling alley you ask? Well, yes, it is more expensive, but it keeps people from coming to my disgusting house. Levi also has his football party on Saturday afternoon which is scheduled to last who knows how long. The invite from the coaches said "From 3pm to ? Bring stuff for smores because there is a fire pit at the park and dress for cool weather. It's going to be fun!" And Kady turned 7 today (Happy Birthday Kady!) and her party is Saturday at 6pm. We are going to try to make it, at least Paul and the kids are, but I'm not sure if I'm going or not. After the blow-up with my mother earlier this week I really think I am done with her. And since my sister and her family live with my parents and the party is there I'm on the fence about going. Do I go and get accused of avoiding my mother and treating her like shit because she walks into a room and I walk out or she walks outside and I walk in or risk making Kadence feel bad because I wasn't there? I haven't figured that one out yet.

Well, my iced caramel machiatto and blueberry muffin just arrived from Starbucks. It's nice sometimes when Paul works graves and gets off in time to grab a treat for breakfast/brunch. Maybe I will clean the kitchen today... or maybe not.

Until next time...

Sorry!

Apparently, according to my mother (and she says my father too), I'm crazy, I invent things that happened because I remember them and no one else does, she doesn't know how I got this way, and I'm a very hard, cold, selfish person.

So to everyone I have ever screwed over one way or another - sorry. Don't worry, it won't happen again.

To everyone that I have been a cold, heartless bitch to - sorry. I'll try to stay away, which couldn't be too hard because I just sit here at my house that will hopefully still be my house in a few months.

To everyone that thinks I'm a horrible parent - I am who I am. Some people were meant to have kids, others shouldn't. I guess I'm one that shouldn't have had kids.

To everyone that hates me but has to tolerate me because of one situation or another - let me know. I just won't come around.

And to everyone else - I'm a psychotic person. Just stay away. Life has made me trust no one, life has made me shut people out, life has made me who I am today. Oh freaking well. Shit happens. I learn from experience and from those around me when growing up. I'm not perfect. I do what I have to.

Still wondering what I did to deserve all this. And I have come to the realization that things are never going to change. The more I say or do things, the more it gets twisted around, and the more I look bad. I'm just hoping this is all a dream and I wake up and don't doubt my life, my faith, and most around me.

I should have taken that job in Arizona or the one in Portland when I had the chance. I guess hind sight is still the best sight, right?

Long Time No Blog

I know, I let the blog go for awhile - sorry. I'm finally feeling well enough to actually do something.

So I start school again today. I'm going to have to pay for the class that I didn't finish and was withdrawn from due to lack of attendance, but I got my funding back for the math class and for the classes that start today. My projected graduation date has moved to February, but it's better than being nonexistent. Hopefully I can find a job here soon without a degree that is actually worth going to work for and doesn't just cover my daycare costs and pay for transportation to and from work. I think I might have to work 2 jobs at first, but once I get comfortable somewhere and they realize that I know what I say I know but don't have a piece of paper saying so and give me a raise I think I will be good to go. I have a lead on a position that I hope I at least get an interview, and once there I think I can sell them on me. My resume is already there... I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Levi is done with regular season football. His last game was this past Saturday, and it was a very exciting one. We played Ogden at their home field and both Ogden Tigers and Clinton Seahawks went into this game with a 6-0 record for the season. Clinton ended up losing by a touchdown with the final score being 19-13. However, the boys played with all their heart and we were the only team to score on Ogden all season. I think the coaches were more shook up than the boys were. Levi was just excited that he was inviting his whole team to his bithday party this coming Sunday. He was a little bummed that they didn't win, but quickly got over it once we got home. We went to my parent's house for a weiner roast in celebration of a great season and Levi's birthday that is coming up, and he ended up staying over night while Paul and I took Sam to the emergency room. We couldn't get into the doctor last week, and I just had a feeling we would end up there before we could get in today. Turns out he has a nasty upper respiratory infection (which is what I've had for quite awhile now) and he is feeling much better.

I am on track to saving my house now. I called HopeNow and ended up getting further with the mortgage company than I have in the last 4 months. They conference called my mortgage company and finally found out what paperwork they were missing so we can do the Make Home Affordable program. While I'm not fond of Obama, I actually can't stand the man and think he's a joke, this is one program I am happy he implemented. We have come to the decision that we need to take on a roommate or room family of some kind though to help lower expenses. We have a whole basement that really isn't used, so that person or family would have their own living room, their own bathroom (as soon as we get it finished... right now it would be their own toilet and sink), and two bedrooms. They would have to share a kitchen and bathroom with us upstairs until the one downstairs was finished, but since we are only going to rent it out to someone we know then it wouldn't be a problem. Hopefully we can find someone soon and get caught up on everything and stay current on it. This whole not having a job thing and waiting for emergency unemployment to kick in totally screwed up everything, and hopefully we will get everything caught up before January when the house is scheduled to be sold.

I no longer have Kady and Nick during the day anymore because Natalie lost her job after being with the company for 12 years (I think... I know it was more than 10). I'm hoping to get this house cleaned spotless, maintain it, and get ALL of the laundry done and put away. And any clothing that is too small for Sammy I'm gonna sell or give away. So if you know anyone that is IN NEED of boys clothing size 2T or smaller let me know. I would like it to go to a truly needy family, not just one that is too cheap to go buy clothes for their kids because they feel there are other things that are more important. It really pisses me off when they say "my kids need this but I can't afford it" but they can go out and party or constantly use illegal drugs or always have beer, but they can't go to Wal-Mart and buy their toddler a shirt for $3.50 and a pair of pants for the same price. A whole outfit for the price of a 6-pack, but the 6 pack wins... pathetic. I know I had help and there have been times that I haven't exactly made the right decisions involving money, but I'm trying to change that now and would like to help someone that really needs it and doesn't have the money to buy clothes for their kids.

The diet has been going... and that's about it. I've been maintaining... I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. It's time to get back on track and start losing again. I watched the first episode of Diet Tribe last night and I really like it. I like The Biggest Loser, but I find myself liking Diet Tribe much more. I think it's because the women are at home with their families while they are starting their weight loss journey. All 5 of these women have children, and they have all been friends for quite awhile. They aren't on a ranch where all other aspects of life stop and they get to focus solely on their weight loss goals - they are at home and real life is still going on. They still have to take the kids to school, go to work, take care of the home, go to extra-curricular activities, and find time to squeeze in exercise time and take time for themselves. They meet with a psychotherapist and attend group counseling as well as individual counseling. They feel guilty and also feel happy that they are taking time for themselves, and are not only working individually but also as a team. At the first weigh-in they set individual goals for 120 days, and at each weigh-in they set a goal for the team for the next week. They cheat on their diets, they feel guilty, they cry, they laugh, they talk, and they support each other, and they go on with life and learn from their mistakes. I highly recommend watching this show if you are trying to lose weight. It even made me lose the guilt I had from eating a couple of Snickers bars last week when times got tough, and if it can do that you know it has to be good  :)

Another show I have come to love this season since True Blood season 2 is over and season 3 is not scheduled to start until next summer is Drop Dead Diva. It's a crazy little show that you have to watch from episode 1 to totally understand what is going on, but you can come into it in the middle too. The main character is an overweight lawyer who passes away at the same time as a model, but the model doesn't accept she is dead and sends herself back to Earth but doesn't end up in her body. She has all these issues with her frumpy, overweight self in this new body and has to learn to live with it. I totally felt myself identifying with many of the issues in each episode, except for the whole not being able to tell people what really happened and having to work with your former boyfriend that doesn't know he's your former boyfriend. Anyway, if you can find it online (I found back episodes at www.surfthechannel.com) and haven't seen it, do it. You won't be disappointed.

Oh - and I was looking at Halloween costumes all day on the web yesterday, and I have come to the conclusion that costume designers and manufacturers have decided that Halloween was made for skinny people. Do you know how hard it is to find a costume that is over a size 16-18??? And then when you find it, if it's something you are looking for or have decided to settle for, you have to take out a small loan to purchase it. HELLO... WAKE UP DESIGNERS AND MANUFACTURERS!! FAT PEOPLE LIKE TO DRESS UP TOO!!! We need something affordable, cute or scary, and NOT totally revealing! I'm going to say this, and I can say it because I have the right to do it...

There are some things that should not be made for fat people. Things that show the belly, short short skirts, halter tops with a low back, and other such revealing things should not be made for fat people, and if they are, they should not be worn in public.

There - I said it. It's out there, and I'm not going to retract it. I've dressed conservatively my whole life to hide my fat. People say that some can pull it off with the right attitude. Wrong. No matter what attitude you have, if you are fat and your rolls are hanging out all over the place it's time to put it away. Far, far away. Where you can't get to it for awhile.


Well, it's time to start the laundry. I have been putting it off long enough. Until next time...

Just Another Day in Paradise

I know, it's been a while since my last post. I have an excuse - I have been sick. I started not feeling right Saturday morning, and Sunday I woke up with a horrible headache and congestion that lasted through this morning. I spent every minute I could in bed trying to get rid of it, eating Tylenol with Codeine like it was candy and drinking prescription cough syrup so I could sleep without being woke up every 5 minutes until it finally went away. Today I still have a cough, but I found some antibiotics here at the house and I've been taking them the last couple of days and they seem to be helping.

Things are still the same here. I'm still on strike, the kids still don't listen, and Paul's still working horrible hours. The only difference is that the mortgage company has renigged on the repayment plan that was set up to get the house payment back on track from when we fell behind in May due to circumstances out of our control, so I'm trying to decide whether to sell it or just let it go when they come get it. And wondering where we are going to live. I guess you called it in October Nat... it was a nice stay here, but it's time to go. Where I don't know, but I will get it figured out, I always do. I have to - I'm the mom, right? Hopefully they approve the remodification request I sent in for the third time in as many months. They want check stubs showing my income, but how in the world can I get that to them when I don't have a job?? Idiots I tell you, they're all idiots. When I had a job I had a sign up at my desk that said, "God must love stupid people - He made so many of them!" It's downstairs on my desk now, but it just doesn't hold the same meaning it used to.

I've been withdrawn from school until I can pay for the classes I just took. Because I couldn't keep up with the International Business class I had to withdraw from it, which they didn't end up doing in time because the school sat on the request for a week and a half, so I wasn't eligible for withdraw. Instead, I failed it. So bye bye financial aid even for the class I passed with an A. So now I have to pay for two classes instead of one, try to catch up the house, keep the utilities from being turned off, along with dealing with disrespectful children 24/7. All without a job, and no hope for a job. Especially since I won't be getting my degree any time soon. I only had 9 weeks left after this block... this sucks. Every time I get close to graduating, something comes along and disrupts it. Maybe I wasn't meant to have the piece of paper to prove I know what I already know how to do and have done before but didn't have the title to go along with it.

The weight loss is going, but not too well. I managed to maintain my current weight for the last week. I didn't lose anything, but I didn't gain anything either. Small achievement compared to all of the crap that's been falling down around me. But I guess when you don't have all the junk food in the house there's nothing to grab and stuff your face with. But I have to say, I am dying for as much junk food as I can cram into my face until I puke. Trying to break the habit of being a comfort eater is hard when you keep getting thrown all kinds of things that stress you out and worry you every day. But I'm resisting the temptation to go in there, pour a mixing bowl size helping of Fruity Pebbles, adding a half gallon of milk, and stuffing my face until I can't move. The only thing that would get me is more problems, and I don't need that right now. Baby steps. At least this is one thing I have control of even though the rest of my life is spinning around like water in a toilet when it is flushed.

So, I guess the question of the day is, "Does anyone wanna buy a house?" I'll sell it cheap, it needs some work and I can't do it by myself and don't have the money to hire someone to do it. I have some of the supplies and I will throw them in the deal.

Remember, when things are looking down it could always be worse - you could have my life! Until next time...

Stress Stress Go Away! Don't Come Back Another Day!!

Ugh - will it ever end??

I know, stupid question, but I had to ask it. When you ask that question, the standard answer from people is "Things will get better. Keep your chin up!" Or, if they are a comedian like my brother-in-law Doug, or maybe a realist, the answer is "Yeah, things will get better - when you die."

I know a lot of people that have been asking this question lately. One person even posted on their blog, "For Sale, one life completely furnished" and ended the post with "If interested contact a medical professional regarding your sanity immediately or turn and run in the opposite direction." I know what that person is feeling because I have been feeling the same way for many months now. I look at my life and think if only I hadn't lost my job. If only I had over-ridden Paul's decision not to move to Phoenix and said I'm going and taking the kids whether you go or not. If only I had been more productive at work. If only... If only... If only... I could go on and on and on with the If onlys... Hind sight is the best sight, right? But since we can't change the past, I have to figure out a way to make the future better. Make it something worth looking forward to.

Every morning I open my eyes and think, "Oh great. Another friggin' day. Wonder how many times I'm going to cry. Wonder how many fights I'm going to have to break up. Wonder how many bill collectors are going to call. Wonder what's going to get broken of mine that I worked hard for." You get the point. Again, I could go on and on and on. The days I wake up and say, "It's another beautiful day! I'm gonna make it the best I can!" usually turn out to be the crappiest days of my life, so I quit doing that. Why build up your hopes just to get knocked down? If you start at the bottom the only way to go is up, right? Today started off with a head butt over a twinkie between Levi and Rowdy. A twinkie of all things. Sheesh!

I'm a "stay at home mom" right now. Many people would kill to do what I do. So many times I have heard people say "I would love to not have to work and get to stay home and spend more time with the kids and not have the stress of my job on top of everything else." I used to think the same thing when Levi was born, then again when I was pregnant with Rowdy. However, being on bedrest for 3 1/2 months before Rowdy was born changed my thinking, and after I had him and was able to go back to work 8 weeks later, I welcomed the going back to work. Since I had a PICC line in my arm and had to administer IV antibiotics to myself, I had to do some fast talking to get a Dr. release and to talk Hanjin into accepting me back, but I did it and I loved being back. For 4 months after that, you would see an IV pole pop up twice a day in my cubicle, I would hook myself up, and continue doing what I was supposed to be doing at work like nothing was going on. Hanjin wanted me to do it somewhere else because they said it was a distraction, and maybe it was for a couple of weeks, but after the newness wore off no one even noticed it. It was then I realized that I wasn't a stay at home mom - I was a career mom.

I have always had to stay busy to keep my mind off of things in life that aren't going right. Not having a job has given me more time to focus on the things that are right, but also the things that are wrong. I have 3 handsome, healthy boys that I love dearly. On the other hand, I have 3 kids that have no respect for anything no matter how much I discipline them or try to teach them respect and right from wrong. I own my own 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house and have a place to live. On the other hand, I own a 35 year old house that is falling apart and I don't have the skill or help to fix the things that need to be fixed, and since I can't find a job I'm probably going to lose it anyway so what does it matter? I am fortunate enough to be married to a man that loves me. On the other hand, he gets to play softball and bowl in his free time while I do nothing but deal with our naughty kids. I have a big family that supports me in whatever I do. On the other hand, most of them are so far away and everyone is so busy that we don't talk much because we can't find the time to do it.

So how do you change your way of thinking to look at the positive instead of the negative? It's hard, and I'm having a hard time doing it, especially with the stress of life coming down on me harder now than any time in the last 9 years. In November of 1996, I picked up and moved to Utah to get away from the lifestyle I was living. I wasn't even out here a month before I woke up one morning and decided I needed to go back to Illinois. So I packed a back, called my mom and told her I was going back, hopped in the car, drove all night by myself, and spent a week in central Illinois. I did this several times in 1997,1998, and 1999, and each time I went back to Illinois I would bring a friend back to Utah with me so I wouldn't be lonely. One of them ended up staying and making a better life for themself here, the others went back after a while.  I lost a couple of jobs because of this, but I didn't care. As long as I had the money to get to Illinois and back I went. My thought was that I could always find another job when I got back.

In 2000, I got married Tommy, and things really didn't change until I found out I was pregnant with Levi in January of 2001. I was scared to death, but everyone else was happily looking forward to his birth, so I sucked up the fear, put on a happy face, and tried to be the best expectant mother I could. When he was born everyone was ecstatic except me - I was just tired and scared. I will never forget the first night he was home from the hospital. He was only a few days old and Tommy had taken the night off cause he was working graves at the time. My mom was helping me wash the baby clothes I hadn't gotten washed due to being on bedrest for 2 weeks. My dad was sitting on the couch holding Levi and watching old John Wayne movies. Every once in a while he would say something to Levi about the movie, and I remember thinking how fortunate Levi was to have my dad as a grandfather. After they left for the evening, I gave Levi a bottle, put him in bassinet that was right by my bed, and laid down on my bed. He started crying, so I got up and rocked him for a bit until he quit crying, laid him back down, and he woke back up. I did this for around an hour when I realized I wasn't getting any sleep. The last time I picked him up, he just screamed and screamed and screamed all night. I finally sat down on the bed and rocked back and forth crying all night while Levi screamed and Tommy slept beside us, oblivious to what was going on. It was then that I knew I was in over my head, and by myself. When I found out I was pregnant with Rowdy the only thing that went through my head was "Oh Shit". When I found out I was pregnant with Sam I had a nervous breakdown. Seriously. How was I going to handle 3 when I could barely handle 2?

Here I am, almost 8 years to the day since Levi was born, but now I have 3 children, I have been divorced, remarried, I am unemployed, and I am feeling the weight of it all like never before. My sister found out last week that as of October 4 she will no longer have a job with the company she has worked at for 12 years. There is nothing out there in the way of work. I can't count the number of applications I have put in and the different email addresses and fax numbers I have sent my resume to. The bill collectors call non-stop, the kids don't listen, the house is always messed up, laundry keeps accruing, and I sit here wondering when it will all end or at least when I will get a job to make it better. I would not trade my children for anything in the world. But, at some point, something has to give, right?

I guess until then I will just keep on keepin' on cause that is what I'm expected to do. I will try to look on the brighter side of things, and quit wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. But I still can't help but wonder when it is my turn to do something fun while Paul watches the kids, or why other people have it together enough to take 6 kids on an outing when we can't even successfully get out the door with 3 of them. Just remember - if you're feeling the same way I am, you're not the only one feeling this way.

Until next time...

Quote of the day:
"She's done what she should. Should she do what she dares? She doesn't wanna leave she's just wonderin' is there life out there."
-- From Reba McEntyre's song, Is there life out there?

We're Not Gonna Take It! Or Rather, I'm Not!!!

The last couple days have been better than the last post, but I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore, and I've gone on strike at home. Why, you ask? Well, let me fill you in...

My children have become the bossiest, most disrespectful, lazy, foul-mouthed things I have ever come across at their age. They think they don't have to listen, they can do what they want, and that we're supposed to give them the world with nothing in return. This is my fault, because when I was working we would take any extra money we had and get them things that they really didn't need. I felt guilty for being away and working so much, and all they did was ask me when I was going to be home more and if I really had to go to work because they wanted me to stay home and spend time with them. So, to make up for it, I got them things. However, it has come back to bite me in the butt. Hard.

Now all they do is ask me when I'm going to go back to work. They ask for this, they ask for that, and when we say no they whine, cry, and throw a fit. And let me tell you - there is nothing I hate more than a whiny kid or a kid crying for no reason whatsoever except to do it for attention. I swear most of the time I have wounded cattle living here, not children, because that's what they sound like. "Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee caaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn'ttttttt IIIIII hhhhaavvvvvvvveeeeeee iiiiiiiitttttt?????????" is all I hear anymore. Or, "Inevergettodonuthinorgonowhere!" (insert long, high pitched wail). To which I reply, "Well, we don't have a lot of money anymore because I haven't worked for almost a year. Maybe if you helped out more and did your chores when I asked or told you to then you would get to go places more or get a treat, kind of like an allowance or something." (Insert more slurred-together words that resemble a drunk person, whining, wailing, crying, etc. about how they help out). To which I reply, "And I cook for you, and I clean up after you, and I do your laundry - which, might I remind you, I don't dirty the clothing, and I act as your taxi and don't charge you a dime for the gas or mileage. The least you could do is pick up after yourselves and help around the house." To which they stomp off after whining a bit more when I tell them I don't want to hear it and they need to go clean up their room, clean the living room, or pick up the bathroom.

Well, yesterday when I picked them up from school the kitchen and dining room were all but cleaned. I just had to do a few dishes by hand, unload/reload the dishwasher, and sweep and mop the floor. I told them on the way home that they needed to pick up the living room, that it wouldn't take long if they both did it, then they needed to work on their homework until it was time to go to Levi's football practice. They both agreed. However, when they got home it was a totally different story. I turned the TV off, one of them turned it back on. I asked them to pick up, went into the kitchen to finish, looked into the living room 5 minutes later, and they're both playing the XBox with the volume down all the way so I won't know they turned it on. I turned it off, took the power cords to the Wii and the XBox, said get your butts in gear, heard excessive whining and crying, I think a few words that a 6 year old and 7 year old should not say, and then them fighting because one won't help the other pick up. Typical stuff around our house, and I'm getting tired of it. I tried several different things to motivate them, from promising them a treat to sending them to their rooms, I tried everything short of beating them senseless (which, BTW, I would never do... very rarely do they even get spankings).

So finally I walk into the living room and stand there for a minute until they notice me and quit trying to kill each other. I look at them, walk over to the recliner, pick up the computer, sit down, and say, "Fine - kill each other. Do what you want. I'm tired of it, and I'm on strike. This means that I'm not cooking for you, I'm not cleaning up after you, I'm not buying you anything, I'm not taking you anywhere but school, and I'm not doing your laundry. Rowdy, do what you want, go where you want, but if you get kidnapped I'm not looking for you or putting up a reward to get you back (because he has a habit of running off and not telling us where he is going). Levi, I suggest you find someone to take you to football practice because I'm not going to do it. Until you guys learn some respect and help out around here, you're on your own. Better hope Paul decides to do these things for you or you're S.O.L....Good Luck!"

You think that would have motivated them a little, but it didn't. They just started fighting again and blaming each other for me going on strike. I have done this a couple of times before over the summer, and they didn't like it much. They know I'm serious when I say this, yet they don't do anything to help the situation. So Levi goes and wakes up Paul to take him to practice, Paul comes out and says, "What now?" To which I reply that I'm on strike again until I get some help around here. He gives his standard "Whatever" reply, gets dressed, asks me if I'm going. Of course I answer no, he says whatever again, takes Levi to practice and takes Rowdy with him.

So today is a free day for me. I took the older boys to school this morning and I'm sitting here with Nick again waiting for MY clothes to get done in the washer and dryer. He's watching The Karate Kid and playing cars in the little floor space left in the living room due to everyone else's crap all over the place, asking me every five minutes if it's time for him to go to school yet. So what do you do with people who won't help out around the house? I have yet to figure that one out. You can't spank them cause it doesn't hurt, they just don't care, or the neighbors call Child Protective Services because they think you are killing the kid cause they don't agree with it. Yelling does no good, all that does is make everyone shut down and give you a sore throat. Sending them to their room does no good (my kids just take the screen out and jump out the window, and since sitting in front of their bedroom door or outside their window isn't productive for either of you, what's the point?), so what do you do? We even tried kneeling in the corner on the hard floor for a period of time, and all that did was get their clothes dirty... it didn't phase them one bit! We took away all the toys, video games, and grounded them to the house, but that just drove us crazy. They haven't had a TV in their room since we moved back into the house, so that's out of the question. When they were little, I used to take ahold of their shoulders, walk them over to the item, tell them to pick it up (if they didn't I would bend them down by tugging on their arm and if they still wouldn't pick it up I would put the item in their hand), walk them over to where the item went, and tell them to put the item away. After about 4-5 items, they would get tired of me doing that and just pick up. Now, however, they are getting too big for me to do that. Have you ever tried wrestling with a 6 year old that weighs 105 lbs??? N O T   F U N. And usually one, or both, of you end up getting hurt. The last time I tried that with him, he went limp and I caught him under the arms before he hit his head on the floor, but my back paid the price. I have a bad back anyway from the pregnancy and delivery of Rowdy (he weighed 10 lbs, the Dr. was stupid, and I paid the price). So what to do? That is going to be my goal today... to figure outhow to get these kids to help out short of killing myself or them in the process.

On another note, Paul has been making an effort to spend more time with me. On Tuesday he got home from work right around the time I had to take Nick to school, so he went with us. Instead of going right back home, we went and got some Chinese food for lunch at the grocery store up the street and actually sat in the kitchen and ate lunch together. It was nice. When it was time to pick up kids, he voluntarily went and picked them up, then we both went to football practice and he sat there and actually talked to me instead of playing on his phone the whole time like he usually does or only saying something when Rowdy is doing something he shouldn't be or when Levi isn't paying attention. That was also nice even though I really wan't in the mood to talk. He was making an effort, so I did too. Yesterday, he stayed up for an hour when he got home instead of going straight to bed, and then when he got home from taking Levi to practice he took care of dinner and paid me a compliment on the progress of the kitchen. It's nice to feel wanted and appreciated. I haven't felt like that in a long time. It always amazes me how far a thank you or I appreciate you in one form or another goes with me. It doesn't take much, just a couple of words now and again, a smile or touch here and there, to let someone know how you feel. People forget this, and that is how relationships start to fall apart. When you throw in the lack of communication and never getting to see each other or spend QUALITY time together, that's when they end up destroyed. It takes more work to put them back together than it does to maintain them and let each other know that you care and you appreciate each other.

And on that note, my clothes just got done, so I have some folding and hanging to do. Until next time, make the effort to show that special person in your life that you care about them and appreciate everything they do - you never know what you might get in return.

Quote of the day:

Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it.
-- Ralph Marston

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today sucked. I'm not exactly sure why it did, because it shouldn't have, but it did. And I know this post is kinda long, but I have to get it all out before I explode because there is a lot of stuff bottled up still from this weekend and today is enough to top it off and blow the cork out of the bottle from the pressure built up inside.

I didn't get much sleep last night because I was doing my homework that was due yesterday, and since I can't do it while the kids are awake, I have to stay up late and do it. By the time Nick got here this morning when I had to get up, I think I was only out for about two and a half hours.The boys wouldn't get up this morning of course, so I sat there tossing things at them and hollering trying to wake them up for a half hour before they finally realized I was serious and they weren't going to get to sleep in and miss any school. Rowdy decided that he had a foul odor coming off of him and needed to take a shower, while Levi screwed around instead of getting dressed. By the time Rowdy got out, there was hardly any hot water so I took a quick shower that ended up turning cold on me anyway, scrambled into my clothing, and tried to get them out the door on time so that they wouldn't miss breakfast at school. Rowdy, however, had other plans and proceeded to whine, cry, and throw a tantrum because I told him to put the Wii controller down and get out to the car. He insisted he was staying home and playing it all day, but when I ripped the controller from his hands and gave him "the look", he had a change of heart and booked it to the car, which of course was all but out of gas, and as I put it into drive I prayed that Nick and I wouldn't be walking after we dropped them at school. We had enough to get us there and then get to Smith's right up the street to get gas, so that was a plus.

After we got home, we ate breakfast and Nick asked continually for half hour if he could play the Wii, the XBox 360, or Rock Band. After about 10 minutes, I put on Scooby Doo and just tuned him out until he quit. After Scooby was over, I randomly searched the channels for cartoons to keep him semi-entertained. If you don't know already, they play the same things over and over and over again every single day. I can tell you what happened and recite most of them word for word because we watched them all last week. And Comcast OnDemand only has 4 kid movies on it right now - which we have watched over and over again - so that was out of the question too. Finally, he says to me, "Aunt Neph, can we watch the vampire show?", to which I reply, "Sure buddy", and turn on True Blood because I'm tired of watching the same cartoons over and over again.

While the opening credits roll, I get up and walk down the hallway to my bedroom for something, and in passing the bathroom I see the scale there. Now, I started this whole blog thing one week ago today and the diet one week ago tomorrow. I haven't even THOUGHT about the scale until then, so I totally lose my train of thought and step on the scale. Then I step off, reset it, then step on again. Repeat the last actions about 4 times, then walk back into the living room and sit down. I haven't divulged my weight up to this point, but I'm going to do it now, because after today I could give a crap less who knows - it doesn't change things. If people see me differently when I put a number on myself instead of just a word then screw it, their loss. The scale read 246.8 lbs... I started this thing at 258 lbs even. If you do the math, that means that I lost 11.2 lbs in the last week. Hard to believe, right? Well, why do you think I weighed myself 5 times in a row and reset the stupid thing in between each time? My first thought after everything set in was that I am on the right track, I'm finally doing something for myself, and I'm very close to the weight I was when I fell off the diet wagon after I had Rowdy - 232 lbs. My second thought was, "what is going to come along to try to sabotage me?"

Well, I found out around noon what that was going to be. All of the candy left in the house is either a) way too old and doesn't taste right or will break your teeth, or b) something that I do not like to eat. Right around the time I was calling Ogden City Recreation to put United in the Fall Classic Tournament at 4th Street, Paul walked in the door with a huge bag of chicken strips, a couple of corn dogs, a couple of Bug Juices as a treat for Nick (because he gets bored during the day since everyone else is in school), and the kiss of death. That's right - Snickers. After the weigh-in, there was no way in hell I was eating more than 3 small chicken strips and a few baked potato chips. No sirree Bob. No way in hell. So I gave Nick his corn dog and a bug juice, took out a few pieces of chicken, a BBQ sauce, grabbed my tea, and plopped my butt down in the chair that I knew I wouldn't get up from to go get more. And it worked. :)

Then it was time to go get the older boys from school. As soon as they got home, the Snickers started calling to me - by name I might add - to come and devour it. Why you ask? Because I'm a comfort eater - I eat when I'm stressed, sad, depressed, mad, fed up, melancholy, happy, ecstatic, etc. And today I just happened to be fed up, stressed, lonely, and depressed. For all of you fellow comfort eaters, you know that one negative emotion is enough to drive you over the edge. Today, I was dealing with 4 of them. When Paul got home from work, he immediately headed downstairs with a bucket of menudo from the Mexican store. So it was me and Nick upstairs, and Nick wasn't in the mood for conversation. It was raining outside, which cheered me up a little bit (I like the rain, but I LOVE thunderstorms). I was trying to come to grips with the fact that I'm not going to graduate any time soon because I couldn't keep up with the 2+ PowerPoint presentations + report submitted as speaker's note and paper as a Word file due each week on different days because I didn't have any time without children most weeks and I couldn't drop the class so I lost my financial aid due to not being able to get a grade higher than an F and have to pay for the class before I can start other classes. And then they started fighting over the Wii.

 I was kind enough to let them play for a little bit when they got home from school while I looked over their papers, warning them that I was going to turn it off if they started to fight. At the first whine I warned them. And they yelled. And I threatened. And they slapped. And I threatened more. And they started punching, hitting, and kicking. And I turned the TV off. And Rowdy turned it back on. And I turned it back off. And he turned it back on again. And I stood up and turned it back off. And he cowered. And I said, "to your room now". And he cried (which, btw, sounds like a calf in pain). And I charged. And he ran like a bat out of hell to his room and closed the door, which I opened so I could hear if he started to jump out the window and run for it like he has done in the past.

By this time it's almost time for Natalie to pick up Nick and Levi needed to start getting things together and dressed for football practice. Rowdy had been in his room for about 15 minutes, and since he had been quiet I let him come out under the conditions that he act like a human being and mind me and the TV stay off. He was find with that, and after a few minutes I told him that he could go play with his little friend down the street but he had to come home when I called for him. He was fine with it, and off he went.

Nat picks up Nick, Levi's getting dressed for practice, and I'm still wanting that Snickers bar. But I don't touch it. Instead, I yell for Rowdy and he comes right home. By this time it's around 5:25 and we have to leave for football practice in 15 minutes. I ask Rowdy if he's going to practice, to which he looks at me like I'm stupid and replies, "It's raining - DUUUUUHHHHHHH!! Why would I go sit out in the rain to watch Levi run around kids instead of into them like he's supposed to?!?" I give him another look, tell him to be nice, hold out his homework, and tell him to go get a pencil from downstairs on my desk because if he was staying at home with Paul then he was going to do his homework. He gives me a disgusted look, takes the homework, and heads downstairs to get a pencil. I head into the bedroom, wake Paul up because I'm leaving and Rowdy is staying, tell him what's going on, and start to head down the stairs. Then I feel something I shouldn't feel - a cool, rain-kissed breeze flowing up and over the railing, and that's when I know that Rowdy has bailed on us. I head downstairs to confirm my suspicion, and sure enough - the back door downstairs is hanging wide open, it's raining on the carpet, the homework is on my desk, and Rowdy is nowhere in sight. I yell at Paul, tell him what's going on, and head out the door to look for Rowd for a couple of minutes on the way to practice because that's all we have to spare or Levi is going to be late. By this time it is pouring. I didn't see him anywhere, so I called Paul and told him to pick up where I left off searching for Rowdy and head to practice.

When we get there with only a couple minutes to spare, I get out of the car, get my chair, and head over to a few pine trees that grew close enough together to act as an umbrella. I haven't been there for more than 10 minutes when Paul calls me and tells me that my mother-in-law called and Rowdy was there and soaking wet. Well, DUH! It was pouring down rain when he decided to go on his little adventure to escape the big bad homework. Relieved, I hung up the phone to Paul saying he was going to see if someone over there would bring Rowdy home and he would call me right back. So I start focusing on practice again.

Then the phone rings. It's Paul again, saying that I need to pick Rowdy up, and to be prepared for an ass chewing for not chasing Rowdy down before I took Levi to practice and letting him walk over there. Now, last I checked I didn't let him do anything. I went looking for him less than 10 minutes after he took off. And if any of you know Rowdy, he may be big but he can move when he has a purpose in mind. And that's exactly what he did. My mother-in-law only lives about a 15 minute leisurely walk away, and I'm sure I could do it in 9 minutes or less if I put my mind to it, which means he was all but at her house when I started the search. Now, there is no way I'm getting my ass chewed for this. I'm not the only parent in this household, I don't have eyes in the back of my head, and I'm not Superwoman. It's still pouring down rain, and I'm getting cold already. So I tell Paul that I'm not going to get Rowdy, he is walking back home, and that's the end of it. Then all I hear is silence. And that silence is enough to send me over the edge. So I start rambling and babbling and explaining the reason behind my decision, letting every problem from the recent past and every fear for the near future rear its ugly head, knowing that this is the only opportunity I will have to get this out in the open because any other time Paul will either be asleep or at work and I will be on my own again to deal with all of the household problems, keep up with the kids, etc. and it will all fester inside until I really can't take it anymore and end up a bumbling, crying idiot that can't deal with their situation and people will have to take my kids again for a few days while I recover. And after I'm done, Paul says, "Well, I guess I will get dressed and go over and get him because I know you and you won't be able to keep your mouth shut if you go over there to pick him up", sits there for a second, then hangs up.

And that's when I realize that absolutely nothing I just said, nothing I will ever say, and nothing I have ever said in the past has ever been taken seriously by those in my house. And the tears start to roll down my face involuntarily right there out in the open at football practice in front of a bunch of people I do not know watching their kids play football in the rain. I thank God no one was near enough to hear the conversation I just had with Paul and that they are far enough away that they won't notice I'm crying because of the rain coming down. And the thought crosses my mind that I'm really not needed, that the kids and Paul would be better off and happier if I just dropped Levi off at home after practice and then left, never to look back. I don't have a job so I can't provide for my family next month when my unemployment runs out, I'm not going to graduate any time soon so I won't be able to find a decent job like I had, and I'm not appreciated so why should I stick around? I'm a failure because for the second time I'm not going to finish my degree. I'm worthless because I can't support my family. And I'm not needed because Paul never wants to talk or spend time with me, the older two boys are always wanting to go to Tommy's and hang out with Pam, and Sam is always at Marcie's house... so why am I sticking around to make their lives shit because mine is?

Then I hear Levi laughing and giggling as loud as he can and look up to watch him for a few minutes. When he turns towards me I can see that he is covered in mud from head to toe with this huge smile on his face and has more energy than I think I have ever seen him have at practice. He gets on the line, gets down in his stance, and when the ball is hiked the biggest kid on his team plows right into him and knocks him flat. He just lays there for a few seconds and doesn't move, and I start to get worried until I realize that he is laughing so hard he can't stand up. And while some of the kids are annoyed with it, the coaches have these huge smiles on their face as they try to be serious while saying, "Come on Davis, get up and get in the huddle - you're a football player, not a duck!"

And I know the reason I am still there and will never leave. I just sit there feeling guilty that I ever even thought about leaving because I'm loving the sound of his laughter that keeps carrying over the football field even though he is getting hit every which way. I start thinking about the first time he laughed uncontrollably when he was a baby and the warmth and happiness I felt when I heard it. And I think about the way Rowdy plays with his ear and sucks his lip and smiles when he gets caught doing it. And I think about Sammy and his big dark brown eyes and his smile and his laugh and the way he never shuts up. And even though I know things aren't going well and haven't been for the last 2-3 years, there has to be silver lining somewhere, right? Something has to change at some point for the better, right?

So many times in the last few years I have asked why God has decided to punish me for one thing or another. I have asked why I can't make the right decisions, and even when I do make the right decision why it just turns to crap. I know I'm not perfect and that I never have been and never will be. But JUST ONCE in my life I would like something to turn out positive instead of turning into a huge mess that I have to try to dig my way out of. I have always felt like I'm digging in quicksand, that no matter how fast I move my hands and try to dig my way up it only had one result - that the faster I moved, the faster I sank. I used to have dreams. I loved music, it was my life. The piano, the saxophone, singing - as long as those things were there I was fine. And knowing that I had that escape kept me going no matter how many people made fun of me for being fat while I was in elementary, middle, or high school. No matter what problems were going on at home, at school, wherever, I always had my music and my goal in life - which was to graduate from college with a Master's Degree in Music Theory and Composition with a minor in Music Performance. And to utilize this education by becoming a music teacher and teaching children to love music as much as I did just as Mr. Fitzpatrick and Mrs. Crowder taught me. But somewhere along the way my world changed, and here I am today wondering where it all went wrong. My saxophone is 13 years gone - pawned after moving to Utah to make a car payment, I have a brand new piano-sized touch-sensitive keyboard sitting in the box that I got from Paul for Christmas 5 years ago this coming December that has only been played once, I never sing anymore in fear of someone hearing me, and I sit lost wondering if I'm ever going to find myself again. Find the true me, the real me that disappeared many years ago. I have not given up hope yet, but with each passing day the little bit of hope that is left seems to fade until someday there will be nothing left. And each failure seems to weigh on me more now than it ever has before, fading the hope faster than any time in the last 31 years.

Well, I have made this long enough, and since I can hardly see through the tears that have been involuntarily falling for the last hour, I'm going to bed in hope that when I wake up in the morning everything will be back on track.

No quote for today. I don't have the energy or the mental capacity at this moment to add one.