I know, it's been a while since my last post. I have an excuse - I have been sick. I started not feeling right Saturday morning, and Sunday I woke up with a horrible headache and congestion that lasted through this morning. I spent every minute I could in bed trying to get rid of it, eating Tylenol with Codeine like it was candy and drinking prescription cough syrup so I could sleep without being woke up every 5 minutes until it finally went away. Today I still have a cough, but I found some antibiotics here at the house and I've been taking them the last couple of days and they seem to be helping.
Things are still the same here. I'm still on strike, the kids still don't listen, and Paul's still working horrible hours. The only difference is that the mortgage company has renigged on the repayment plan that was set up to get the house payment back on track from when we fell behind in May due to circumstances out of our control, so I'm trying to decide whether to sell it or just let it go when they come get it. And wondering where we are going to live. I guess you called it in October Nat... it was a nice stay here, but it's time to go. Where I don't know, but I will get it figured out, I always do. I have to - I'm the mom, right? Hopefully they approve the remodification request I sent in for the third time in as many months. They want check stubs showing my income, but how in the world can I get that to them when I don't have a job?? Idiots I tell you, they're all idiots. When I had a job I had a sign up at my desk that said, "God must love stupid people - He made so many of them!" It's downstairs on my desk now, but it just doesn't hold the same meaning it used to.
I've been withdrawn from school until I can pay for the classes I just took. Because I couldn't keep up with the International Business class I had to withdraw from it, which they didn't end up doing in time because the school sat on the request for a week and a half, so I wasn't eligible for withdraw. Instead, I failed it. So bye bye financial aid even for the class I passed with an A. So now I have to pay for two classes instead of one, try to catch up the house, keep the utilities from being turned off, along with dealing with disrespectful children 24/7. All without a job, and no hope for a job. Especially since I won't be getting my degree any time soon. I only had 9 weeks left after this block... this sucks. Every time I get close to graduating, something comes along and disrupts it. Maybe I wasn't meant to have the piece of paper to prove I know what I already know how to do and have done before but didn't have the title to go along with it.
The weight loss is going, but not too well. I managed to maintain my current weight for the last week. I didn't lose anything, but I didn't gain anything either. Small achievement compared to all of the crap that's been falling down around me. But I guess when you don't have all the junk food in the house there's nothing to grab and stuff your face with. But I have to say, I am dying for as much junk food as I can cram into my face until I puke. Trying to break the habit of being a comfort eater is hard when you keep getting thrown all kinds of things that stress you out and worry you every day. But I'm resisting the temptation to go in there, pour a mixing bowl size helping of Fruity Pebbles, adding a half gallon of milk, and stuffing my face until I can't move. The only thing that would get me is more problems, and I don't need that right now. Baby steps. At least this is one thing I have control of even though the rest of my life is spinning around like water in a toilet when it is flushed.
So, I guess the question of the day is, "Does anyone wanna buy a house?" I'll sell it cheap, it needs some work and I can't do it by myself and don't have the money to hire someone to do it. I have some of the supplies and I will throw them in the deal.
Remember, when things are looking down it could always be worse - you could have my life! Until next time...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Just Another Day in Paradise
Friday, September 18, 2009
Stress Stress Go Away! Don't Come Back Another Day!!
Ugh - will it ever end??
I know, stupid question, but I had to ask it. When you ask that question, the standard answer from people is "Things will get better. Keep your chin up!" Or, if they are a comedian like my brother-in-law Doug, or maybe a realist, the answer is "Yeah, things will get better - when you die."
I know a lot of people that have been asking this question lately. One person even posted on their blog, "For Sale, one life completely furnished" and ended the post with "If interested contact a medical professional regarding your sanity immediately or turn and run in the opposite direction." I know what that person is feeling because I have been feeling the same way for many months now. I look at my life and think if only I hadn't lost my job. If only I had over-ridden Paul's decision not to move to Phoenix and said I'm going and taking the kids whether you go or not. If only I had been more productive at work. If only... If only... If only... I could go on and on and on with the If onlys... Hind sight is the best sight, right? But since we can't change the past, I have to figure out a way to make the future better. Make it something worth looking forward to.
Every morning I open my eyes and think, "Oh great. Another friggin' day. Wonder how many times I'm going to cry. Wonder how many fights I'm going to have to break up. Wonder how many bill collectors are going to call. Wonder what's going to get broken of mine that I worked hard for." You get the point. Again, I could go on and on and on. The days I wake up and say, "It's another beautiful day! I'm gonna make it the best I can!" usually turn out to be the crappiest days of my life, so I quit doing that. Why build up your hopes just to get knocked down? If you start at the bottom the only way to go is up, right? Today started off with a head butt over a twinkie between Levi and Rowdy. A twinkie of all things. Sheesh!
I'm a "stay at home mom" right now. Many people would kill to do what I do. So many times I have heard people say "I would love to not have to work and get to stay home and spend more time with the kids and not have the stress of my job on top of everything else." I used to think the same thing when Levi was born, then again when I was pregnant with Rowdy. However, being on bedrest for 3 1/2 months before Rowdy was born changed my thinking, and after I had him and was able to go back to work 8 weeks later, I welcomed the going back to work. Since I had a PICC line in my arm and had to administer IV antibiotics to myself, I had to do some fast talking to get a Dr. release and to talk Hanjin into accepting me back, but I did it and I loved being back. For 4 months after that, you would see an IV pole pop up twice a day in my cubicle, I would hook myself up, and continue doing what I was supposed to be doing at work like nothing was going on. Hanjin wanted me to do it somewhere else because they said it was a distraction, and maybe it was for a couple of weeks, but after the newness wore off no one even noticed it. It was then I realized that I wasn't a stay at home mom - I was a career mom.
I have always had to stay busy to keep my mind off of things in life that aren't going right. Not having a job has given me more time to focus on the things that are right, but also the things that are wrong. I have 3 handsome, healthy boys that I love dearly. On the other hand, I have 3 kids that have no respect for anything no matter how much I discipline them or try to teach them respect and right from wrong. I own my own 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house and have a place to live. On the other hand, I own a 35 year old house that is falling apart and I don't have the skill or help to fix the things that need to be fixed, and since I can't find a job I'm probably going to lose it anyway so what does it matter? I am fortunate enough to be married to a man that loves me. On the other hand, he gets to play softball and bowl in his free time while I do nothing but deal with our naughty kids. I have a big family that supports me in whatever I do. On the other hand, most of them are so far away and everyone is so busy that we don't talk much because we can't find the time to do it.
So how do you change your way of thinking to look at the positive instead of the negative? It's hard, and I'm having a hard time doing it, especially with the stress of life coming down on me harder now than any time in the last 9 years. In November of 1996, I picked up and moved to Utah to get away from the lifestyle I was living. I wasn't even out here a month before I woke up one morning and decided I needed to go back to Illinois. So I packed a back, called my mom and told her I was going back, hopped in the car, drove all night by myself, and spent a week in central Illinois. I did this several times in 1997,1998, and 1999, and each time I went back to Illinois I would bring a friend back to Utah with me so I wouldn't be lonely. One of them ended up staying and making a better life for themself here, the others went back after a while. I lost a couple of jobs because of this, but I didn't care. As long as I had the money to get to Illinois and back I went. My thought was that I could always find another job when I got back.
In 2000, I got married Tommy, and things really didn't change until I found out I was pregnant with Levi in January of 2001. I was scared to death, but everyone else was happily looking forward to his birth, so I sucked up the fear, put on a happy face, and tried to be the best expectant mother I could. When he was born everyone was ecstatic except me - I was just tired and scared. I will never forget the first night he was home from the hospital. He was only a few days old and Tommy had taken the night off cause he was working graves at the time. My mom was helping me wash the baby clothes I hadn't gotten washed due to being on bedrest for 2 weeks. My dad was sitting on the couch holding Levi and watching old John Wayne movies. Every once in a while he would say something to Levi about the movie, and I remember thinking how fortunate Levi was to have my dad as a grandfather. After they left for the evening, I gave Levi a bottle, put him in bassinet that was right by my bed, and laid down on my bed. He started crying, so I got up and rocked him for a bit until he quit crying, laid him back down, and he woke back up. I did this for around an hour when I realized I wasn't getting any sleep. The last time I picked him up, he just screamed and screamed and screamed all night. I finally sat down on the bed and rocked back and forth crying all night while Levi screamed and Tommy slept beside us, oblivious to what was going on. It was then that I knew I was in over my head, and by myself. When I found out I was pregnant with Rowdy the only thing that went through my head was "Oh Shit". When I found out I was pregnant with Sam I had a nervous breakdown. Seriously. How was I going to handle 3 when I could barely handle 2?
Here I am, almost 8 years to the day since Levi was born, but now I have 3 children, I have been divorced, remarried, I am unemployed, and I am feeling the weight of it all like never before. My sister found out last week that as of October 4 she will no longer have a job with the company she has worked at for 12 years. There is nothing out there in the way of work. I can't count the number of applications I have put in and the different email addresses and fax numbers I have sent my resume to. The bill collectors call non-stop, the kids don't listen, the house is always messed up, laundry keeps accruing, and I sit here wondering when it will all end or at least when I will get a job to make it better. I would not trade my children for anything in the world. But, at some point, something has to give, right?
I guess until then I will just keep on keepin' on cause that is what I'm expected to do. I will try to look on the brighter side of things, and quit wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. But I still can't help but wonder when it is my turn to do something fun while Paul watches the kids, or why other people have it together enough to take 6 kids on an outing when we can't even successfully get out the door with 3 of them. Just remember - if you're feeling the same way I am, you're not the only one feeling this way.
Until next time...
Quote of the day:
"She's done what she should. Should she do what she dares? She doesn't wanna leave she's just wonderin' is there life out there."
-- From Reba McEntyre's song, Is there life out there?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
We're Not Gonna Take It! Or Rather, I'm Not!!!
The last couple days have been better than the last post, but I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore, and I've gone on strike at home. Why, you ask? Well, let me fill you in...
My children have become the bossiest, most disrespectful, lazy, foul-mouthed things I have ever come across at their age. They think they don't have to listen, they can do what they want, and that we're supposed to give them the world with nothing in return. This is my fault, because when I was working we would take any extra money we had and get them things that they really didn't need. I felt guilty for being away and working so much, and all they did was ask me when I was going to be home more and if I really had to go to work because they wanted me to stay home and spend time with them. So, to make up for it, I got them things. However, it has come back to bite me in the butt. Hard.
Now all they do is ask me when I'm going to go back to work. They ask for this, they ask for that, and when we say no they whine, cry, and throw a fit. And let me tell you - there is nothing I hate more than a whiny kid or a kid crying for no reason whatsoever except to do it for attention. I swear most of the time I have wounded cattle living here, not children, because that's what they sound like. "Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee caaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn'ttttttt IIIIII hhhhaavvvvvvvveeeeeee iiiiiiiitttttt?????????" is all I hear anymore. Or, "Inevergettodonuthinorgonowhere!" (insert long, high pitched wail). To which I reply, "Well, we don't have a lot of money anymore because I haven't worked for almost a year. Maybe if you helped out more and did your chores when I asked or told you to then you would get to go places more or get a treat, kind of like an allowance or something." (Insert more slurred-together words that resemble a drunk person, whining, wailing, crying, etc. about how they help out). To which I reply, "And I cook for you, and I clean up after you, and I do your laundry - which, might I remind you, I don't dirty the clothing, and I act as your taxi and don't charge you a dime for the gas or mileage. The least you could do is pick up after yourselves and help around the house." To which they stomp off after whining a bit more when I tell them I don't want to hear it and they need to go clean up their room, clean the living room, or pick up the bathroom.
Well, yesterday when I picked them up from school the kitchen and dining room were all but cleaned. I just had to do a few dishes by hand, unload/reload the dishwasher, and sweep and mop the floor. I told them on the way home that they needed to pick up the living room, that it wouldn't take long if they both did it, then they needed to work on their homework until it was time to go to Levi's football practice. They both agreed. However, when they got home it was a totally different story. I turned the TV off, one of them turned it back on. I asked them to pick up, went into the kitchen to finish, looked into the living room 5 minutes later, and they're both playing the XBox with the volume down all the way so I won't know they turned it on. I turned it off, took the power cords to the Wii and the XBox, said get your butts in gear, heard excessive whining and crying, I think a few words that a 6 year old and 7 year old should not say, and then them fighting because one won't help the other pick up. Typical stuff around our house, and I'm getting tired of it. I tried several different things to motivate them, from promising them a treat to sending them to their rooms, I tried everything short of beating them senseless (which, BTW, I would never do... very rarely do they even get spankings).
So finally I walk into the living room and stand there for a minute until they notice me and quit trying to kill each other. I look at them, walk over to the recliner, pick up the computer, sit down, and say, "Fine - kill each other. Do what you want. I'm tired of it, and I'm on strike. This means that I'm not cooking for you, I'm not cleaning up after you, I'm not buying you anything, I'm not taking you anywhere but school, and I'm not doing your laundry. Rowdy, do what you want, go where you want, but if you get kidnapped I'm not looking for you or putting up a reward to get you back (because he has a habit of running off and not telling us where he is going). Levi, I suggest you find someone to take you to football practice because I'm not going to do it. Until you guys learn some respect and help out around here, you're on your own. Better hope Paul decides to do these things for you or you're S.O.L....Good Luck!"
You think that would have motivated them a little, but it didn't. They just started fighting again and blaming each other for me going on strike. I have done this a couple of times before over the summer, and they didn't like it much. They know I'm serious when I say this, yet they don't do anything to help the situation. So Levi goes and wakes up Paul to take him to practice, Paul comes out and says, "What now?" To which I reply that I'm on strike again until I get some help around here. He gives his standard "Whatever" reply, gets dressed, asks me if I'm going. Of course I answer no, he says whatever again, takes Levi to practice and takes Rowdy with him.
So today is a free day for me. I took the older boys to school this morning and I'm sitting here with Nick again waiting for MY clothes to get done in the washer and dryer. He's watching The Karate Kid and playing cars in the little floor space left in the living room due to everyone else's crap all over the place, asking me every five minutes if it's time for him to go to school yet. So what do you do with people who won't help out around the house? I have yet to figure that one out. You can't spank them cause it doesn't hurt, they just don't care, or the neighbors call Child Protective Services because they think you are killing the kid cause they don't agree with it. Yelling does no good, all that does is make everyone shut down and give you a sore throat. Sending them to their room does no good (my kids just take the screen out and jump out the window, and since sitting in front of their bedroom door or outside their window isn't productive for either of you, what's the point?), so what do you do? We even tried kneeling in the corner on the hard floor for a period of time, and all that did was get their clothes dirty... it didn't phase them one bit! We took away all the toys, video games, and grounded them to the house, but that just drove us crazy. They haven't had a TV in their room since we moved back into the house, so that's out of the question. When they were little, I used to take ahold of their shoulders, walk them over to the item, tell them to pick it up (if they didn't I would bend them down by tugging on their arm and if they still wouldn't pick it up I would put the item in their hand), walk them over to where the item went, and tell them to put the item away. After about 4-5 items, they would get tired of me doing that and just pick up. Now, however, they are getting too big for me to do that. Have you ever tried wrestling with a 6 year old that weighs 105 lbs??? N O T F U N. And usually one, or both, of you end up getting hurt. The last time I tried that with him, he went limp and I caught him under the arms before he hit his head on the floor, but my back paid the price. I have a bad back anyway from the pregnancy and delivery of Rowdy (he weighed 10 lbs, the Dr. was stupid, and I paid the price). So what to do? That is going to be my goal today... to figure outhow to get these kids to help out short of killing myself or them in the process.
On another note, Paul has been making an effort to spend more time with me. On Tuesday he got home from work right around the time I had to take Nick to school, so he went with us. Instead of going right back home, we went and got some Chinese food for lunch at the grocery store up the street and actually sat in the kitchen and ate lunch together. It was nice. When it was time to pick up kids, he voluntarily went and picked them up, then we both went to football practice and he sat there and actually talked to me instead of playing on his phone the whole time like he usually does or only saying something when Rowdy is doing something he shouldn't be or when Levi isn't paying attention. That was also nice even though I really wan't in the mood to talk. He was making an effort, so I did too. Yesterday, he stayed up for an hour when he got home instead of going straight to bed, and then when he got home from taking Levi to practice he took care of dinner and paid me a compliment on the progress of the kitchen. It's nice to feel wanted and appreciated. I haven't felt like that in a long time. It always amazes me how far a thank you or I appreciate you in one form or another goes with me. It doesn't take much, just a couple of words now and again, a smile or touch here and there, to let someone know how you feel. People forget this, and that is how relationships start to fall apart. When you throw in the lack of communication and never getting to see each other or spend QUALITY time together, that's when they end up destroyed. It takes more work to put them back together than it does to maintain them and let each other know that you care and you appreciate each other.
And on that note, my clothes just got done, so I have some folding and hanging to do. Until next time, make the effort to show that special person in your life that you care about them and appreciate everything they do - you never know what you might get in return.
-- Ralph Marston
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Today sucked. I'm not exactly sure why it did, because it shouldn't have, but it did. And I know this post is kinda long, but I have to get it all out before I explode because there is a lot of stuff bottled up still from this weekend and today is enough to top it off and blow the cork out of the bottle from the pressure built up inside.
I didn't get much sleep last night because I was doing my homework that was due yesterday, and since I can't do it while the kids are awake, I have to stay up late and do it. By the time Nick got here this morning when I had to get up, I think I was only out for about two and a half hours.The boys wouldn't get up this morning of course, so I sat there tossing things at them and hollering trying to wake them up for a half hour before they finally realized I was serious and they weren't going to get to sleep in and miss any school. Rowdy decided that he had a foul odor coming off of him and needed to take a shower, while Levi screwed around instead of getting dressed. By the time Rowdy got out, there was hardly any hot water so I took a quick shower that ended up turning cold on me anyway, scrambled into my clothing, and tried to get them out the door on time so that they wouldn't miss breakfast at school. Rowdy, however, had other plans and proceeded to whine, cry, and throw a tantrum because I told him to put the Wii controller down and get out to the car. He insisted he was staying home and playing it all day, but when I ripped the controller from his hands and gave him "the look", he had a change of heart and booked it to the car, which of course was all but out of gas, and as I put it into drive I prayed that Nick and I wouldn't be walking after we dropped them at school. We had enough to get us there and then get to Smith's right up the street to get gas, so that was a plus.
After we got home, we ate breakfast and Nick asked continually for half hour if he could play the Wii, the XBox 360, or Rock Band. After about 10 minutes, I put on Scooby Doo and just tuned him out until he quit. After Scooby was over, I randomly searched the channels for cartoons to keep him semi-entertained. If you don't know already, they play the same things over and over and over again every single day. I can tell you what happened and recite most of them word for word because we watched them all last week. And Comcast OnDemand only has 4 kid movies on it right now - which we have watched over and over again - so that was out of the question too. Finally, he says to me, "Aunt Neph, can we watch the vampire show?", to which I reply, "Sure buddy", and turn on True Blood because I'm tired of watching the same cartoons over and over again.
While the opening credits roll, I get up and walk down the hallway to my bedroom for something, and in passing the bathroom I see the scale there. Now, I started this whole blog thing one week ago today and the diet one week ago tomorrow. I haven't even THOUGHT about the scale until then, so I totally lose my train of thought and step on the scale. Then I step off, reset it, then step on again. Repeat the last actions about 4 times, then walk back into the living room and sit down. I haven't divulged my weight up to this point, but I'm going to do it now, because after today I could give a crap less who knows - it doesn't change things. If people see me differently when I put a number on myself instead of just a word then screw it, their loss. The scale read 246.8 lbs... I started this thing at 258 lbs even. If you do the math, that means that I lost 11.2 lbs in the last week. Hard to believe, right? Well, why do you think I weighed myself 5 times in a row and reset the stupid thing in between each time? My first thought after everything set in was that I am on the right track, I'm finally doing something for myself, and I'm very close to the weight I was when I fell off the diet wagon after I had Rowdy - 232 lbs. My second thought was, "what is going to come along to try to sabotage me?"
Well, I found out around noon what that was going to be. All of the candy left in the house is either a) way too old and doesn't taste right or will break your teeth, or b) something that I do not like to eat. Right around the time I was calling Ogden City Recreation to put United in the Fall Classic Tournament at 4th Street, Paul walked in the door with a huge bag of chicken strips, a couple of corn dogs, a couple of Bug Juices as a treat for Nick (because he gets bored during the day since everyone else is in school), and the kiss of death. That's right - Snickers. After the weigh-in, there was no way in hell I was eating more than 3 small chicken strips and a few baked potato chips. No sirree Bob. No way in hell. So I gave Nick his corn dog and a bug juice, took out a few pieces of chicken, a BBQ sauce, grabbed my tea, and plopped my butt down in the chair that I knew I wouldn't get up from to go get more. And it worked. :)
Then it was time to go get the older boys from school. As soon as they got home, the Snickers started calling to me - by name I might add - to come and devour it. Why you ask? Because I'm a comfort eater - I eat when I'm stressed, sad, depressed, mad, fed up, melancholy, happy, ecstatic, etc. And today I just happened to be fed up, stressed, lonely, and depressed. For all of you fellow comfort eaters, you know that one negative emotion is enough to drive you over the edge. Today, I was dealing with 4 of them. When Paul got home from work, he immediately headed downstairs with a bucket of menudo from the Mexican store. So it was me and Nick upstairs, and Nick wasn't in the mood for conversation. It was raining outside, which cheered me up a little bit (I like the rain, but I LOVE thunderstorms). I was trying to come to grips with the fact that I'm not going to graduate any time soon because I couldn't keep up with the 2+ PowerPoint presentations + report submitted as speaker's note and paper as a Word file due each week on different days because I didn't have any time without children most weeks and I couldn't drop the class so I lost my financial aid due to not being able to get a grade higher than an F and have to pay for the class before I can start other classes. And then they started fighting over the Wii.
I was kind enough to let them play for a little bit when they got home from school while I looked over their papers, warning them that I was going to turn it off if they started to fight. At the first whine I warned them. And they yelled. And I threatened. And they slapped. And I threatened more. And they started punching, hitting, and kicking. And I turned the TV off. And Rowdy turned it back on. And I turned it back off. And he turned it back on again. And I stood up and turned it back off. And he cowered. And I said, "to your room now". And he cried (which, btw, sounds like a calf in pain). And I charged. And he ran like a bat out of hell to his room and closed the door, which I opened so I could hear if he started to jump out the window and run for it like he has done in the past.
By this time it's almost time for Natalie to pick up Nick and Levi needed to start getting things together and dressed for football practice. Rowdy had been in his room for about 15 minutes, and since he had been quiet I let him come out under the conditions that he act like a human being and mind me and the TV stay off. He was find with that, and after a few minutes I told him that he could go play with his little friend down the street but he had to come home when I called for him. He was fine with it, and off he went.
Nat picks up Nick, Levi's getting dressed for practice, and I'm still wanting that Snickers bar. But I don't touch it. Instead, I yell for Rowdy and he comes right home. By this time it's around 5:25 and we have to leave for football practice in 15 minutes. I ask Rowdy if he's going to practice, to which he looks at me like I'm stupid and replies, "It's raining - DUUUUUHHHHHHH!! Why would I go sit out in the rain to watch Levi run around kids instead of into them like he's supposed to?!?" I give him another look, tell him to be nice, hold out his homework, and tell him to go get a pencil from downstairs on my desk because if he was staying at home with Paul then he was going to do his homework. He gives me a disgusted look, takes the homework, and heads downstairs to get a pencil. I head into the bedroom, wake Paul up because I'm leaving and Rowdy is staying, tell him what's going on, and start to head down the stairs. Then I feel something I shouldn't feel - a cool, rain-kissed breeze flowing up and over the railing, and that's when I know that Rowdy has bailed on us. I head downstairs to confirm my suspicion, and sure enough - the back door downstairs is hanging wide open, it's raining on the carpet, the homework is on my desk, and Rowdy is nowhere in sight. I yell at Paul, tell him what's going on, and head out the door to look for Rowd for a couple of minutes on the way to practice because that's all we have to spare or Levi is going to be late. By this time it is pouring. I didn't see him anywhere, so I called Paul and told him to pick up where I left off searching for Rowdy and head to practice.
When we get there with only a couple minutes to spare, I get out of the car, get my chair, and head over to a few pine trees that grew close enough together to act as an umbrella. I haven't been there for more than 10 minutes when Paul calls me and tells me that my mother-in-law called and Rowdy was there and soaking wet. Well, DUH! It was pouring down rain when he decided to go on his little adventure to escape the big bad homework. Relieved, I hung up the phone to Paul saying he was going to see if someone over there would bring Rowdy home and he would call me right back. So I start focusing on practice again.
Then the phone rings. It's Paul again, saying that I need to pick Rowdy up, and to be prepared for an ass chewing for not chasing Rowdy down before I took Levi to practice and letting him walk over there. Now, last I checked I didn't let him do anything. I went looking for him less than 10 minutes after he took off. And if any of you know Rowdy, he may be big but he can move when he has a purpose in mind. And that's exactly what he did. My mother-in-law only lives about a 15 minute leisurely walk away, and I'm sure I could do it in 9 minutes or less if I put my mind to it, which means he was all but at her house when I started the search. Now, there is no way I'm getting my ass chewed for this. I'm not the only parent in this household, I don't have eyes in the back of my head, and I'm not Superwoman. It's still pouring down rain, and I'm getting cold already. So I tell Paul that I'm not going to get Rowdy, he is walking back home, and that's the end of it. Then all I hear is silence. And that silence is enough to send me over the edge. So I start rambling and babbling and explaining the reason behind my decision, letting every problem from the recent past and every fear for the near future rear its ugly head, knowing that this is the only opportunity I will have to get this out in the open because any other time Paul will either be asleep or at work and I will be on my own again to deal with all of the household problems, keep up with the kids, etc. and it will all fester inside until I really can't take it anymore and end up a bumbling, crying idiot that can't deal with their situation and people will have to take my kids again for a few days while I recover. And after I'm done, Paul says, "Well, I guess I will get dressed and go over and get him because I know you and you won't be able to keep your mouth shut if you go over there to pick him up", sits there for a second, then hangs up.
And that's when I realize that absolutely nothing I just said, nothing I will ever say, and nothing I have ever said in the past has ever been taken seriously by those in my house. And the tears start to roll down my face involuntarily right there out in the open at football practice in front of a bunch of people I do not know watching their kids play football in the rain. I thank God no one was near enough to hear the conversation I just had with Paul and that they are far enough away that they won't notice I'm crying because of the rain coming down. And the thought crosses my mind that I'm really not needed, that the kids and Paul would be better off and happier if I just dropped Levi off at home after practice and then left, never to look back. I don't have a job so I can't provide for my family next month when my unemployment runs out, I'm not going to graduate any time soon so I won't be able to find a decent job like I had, and I'm not appreciated so why should I stick around? I'm a failure because for the second time I'm not going to finish my degree. I'm worthless because I can't support my family. And I'm not needed because Paul never wants to talk or spend time with me, the older two boys are always wanting to go to Tommy's and hang out with Pam, and Sam is always at Marcie's house... so why am I sticking around to make their lives shit because mine is?
Then I hear Levi laughing and giggling as loud as he can and look up to watch him for a few minutes. When he turns towards me I can see that he is covered in mud from head to toe with this huge smile on his face and has more energy than I think I have ever seen him have at practice. He gets on the line, gets down in his stance, and when the ball is hiked the biggest kid on his team plows right into him and knocks him flat. He just lays there for a few seconds and doesn't move, and I start to get worried until I realize that he is laughing so hard he can't stand up. And while some of the kids are annoyed with it, the coaches have these huge smiles on their face as they try to be serious while saying, "Come on Davis, get up and get in the huddle - you're a football player, not a duck!"
And I know the reason I am still there and will never leave. I just sit there feeling guilty that I ever even thought about leaving because I'm loving the sound of his laughter that keeps carrying over the football field even though he is getting hit every which way. I start thinking about the first time he laughed uncontrollably when he was a baby and the warmth and happiness I felt when I heard it. And I think about the way Rowdy plays with his ear and sucks his lip and smiles when he gets caught doing it. And I think about Sammy and his big dark brown eyes and his smile and his laugh and the way he never shuts up. And even though I know things aren't going well and haven't been for the last 2-3 years, there has to be silver lining somewhere, right? Something has to change at some point for the better, right?
So many times in the last few years I have asked why God has decided to punish me for one thing or another. I have asked why I can't make the right decisions, and even when I do make the right decision why it just turns to crap. I know I'm not perfect and that I never have been and never will be. But JUST ONCE in my life I would like something to turn out positive instead of turning into a huge mess that I have to try to dig my way out of. I have always felt like I'm digging in quicksand, that no matter how fast I move my hands and try to dig my way up it only had one result - that the faster I moved, the faster I sank. I used to have dreams. I loved music, it was my life. The piano, the saxophone, singing - as long as those things were there I was fine. And knowing that I had that escape kept me going no matter how many people made fun of me for being fat while I was in elementary, middle, or high school. No matter what problems were going on at home, at school, wherever, I always had my music and my goal in life - which was to graduate from college with a Master's Degree in Music Theory and Composition with a minor in Music Performance. And to utilize this education by becoming a music teacher and teaching children to love music as much as I did just as Mr. Fitzpatrick and Mrs. Crowder taught me. But somewhere along the way my world changed, and here I am today wondering where it all went wrong. My saxophone is 13 years gone - pawned after moving to Utah to make a car payment, I have a brand new piano-sized touch-sensitive keyboard sitting in the box that I got from Paul for Christmas 5 years ago this coming December that has only been played once, I never sing anymore in fear of someone hearing me, and I sit lost wondering if I'm ever going to find myself again. Find the true me, the real me that disappeared many years ago. I have not given up hope yet, but with each passing day the little bit of hope that is left seems to fade until someday there will be nothing left. And each failure seems to weigh on me more now than it ever has before, fading the hope faster than any time in the last 31 years.
Well, I have made this long enough, and since I can hardly see through the tears that have been involuntarily falling for the last hour, I'm going to bed in hope that when I wake up in the morning everything will be back on track.
No quote for today. I don't have the energy or the mental capacity at this moment to add one.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
What a busy couple of days!
Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days, it's been kind of busy around here.
Levi and Rowdy went to their dad's house for the weekend after school on Friday, and Sam went to Paul's sister's house for the weekend, so we were kidless. However, it wasn't the spend-time-with-each-other-parent-without-kids weekend most people have. Instead, we were running all over the place. Friday night United, the softball team Paul plays on that his brother Juan put together, played in Brigham City at 6pm and 7pm at the Peach Days tournament. So we left here around 4:45 to make it up there with plenty of time to spare. Paul ended up playing catcher in both games, and United won both of those games! Finally, things were looking up for the team because they haven't had many wins this year.
After the games, we went to dinner with Juan and his family and another couple and their kids at a Mexican restaurant in Farr West right by AFS. That was my first big test of the weekend. Now, I like other people enjoy to eat food I don't have to cook. And when I go to a restaurant, I want to order something that tastes good and that I want, not something that is good for me. If I'm going to be paying for it, why the hell can't I eat what I want instead of what I am supposed to? Luckily there is almost always one thing on the menu that I don't like to cook at home that I love to eat, and it isn't that bad for me because of the stuff in it - and that would fajitas. I absolutely LOVE fajitas, but hate to make them. I can control the portion size I eat, I can eat more tortilla if I want, or even eat the meat and veggies without the tortillas with a few toppings on them. And since I was hungry but didn't feel like I was starving, I was able to limit the amount of chips and salsa that entered my mouth. I did have a beer, but it was a light beer, and even though I don't normally drink beer because of the taste and the carbonation, it actually went down very good and was the perfect compliment to the fajitas that night.
After dinner that night, Victor (our 15 year old nephew) decided to go home with us and stay over night instead of going home. Vic is a pretty good kid and I like having him around. We went over to Ben Lomond Lanes because we were looking for a third person to bowl with us on the Friday night scratch league there. We had been discussing finding something we could do together one night a week when Paul didn't have to work, and decided that getting back into bowling would be good as we both missed it. However, things did not work out as planned. There was one team that needed a high average bowler, and since Paul has a 220+ average, he decided to bowl on that team. There wasn't a team that needed a lower average bowler, and since Paul joined the other team, I'm not bowling again this year. Instead, I'm sitting at home with the kids while he bowls. When the older boys go to their dad's house for the weekend, I can sit at home with Sammy or I can haul him to the bowling alley and watch people bowl while chasing him around, or I can sit at home with him and the TV. Hmmm... tough decision. Either way, we're still not doing anything together, I'm still not doing anything fun, and I'm still feeling like I'm not appreciated.
Saturday morning Paul woke up and went to his nephew's football game. On the way home he got some breakfast for the three of us. After eating, we all headed up to Brigham City for Paul's softball game at noon. Since Vic and I woke up late, we were all rushing around to get up there in time. When we arrived, we discovered that they were running a half hour late, which wasn't good because Levi had a football game in West Haven at 1:45, and even though he was at Tommy's house for the weekend there was no way in hell I was missing this game or any of his games for that matter. So around 1:15 I walked over to the dugout where Paul had spent the whole game and asked if he was going, to which he said no because United played again right after the game was over. The next thing I know, he's standing next to me saying "Let's go." That was a surprise because he NEVER misses a softball game that United is playing in. He is more dependable when it comes to playing softball than he is anything else in life. If you ask him to sub for someone, he will be there. If you tell him there is a tourney and you need him, he will be there. No matter what else is going on in life, when it comes to softball HE WILL BE THERE. So on the way to Levi's game when I asked him what why the change of heart, he just kind of shrugged and said, "It's better than sitting in the dugout". I guess since he hasn't had much playing time this year he's not loving softball as much as usual. But even when he doesn't play I go to the ball park, sit in the heat baking and getting sunburned, because he wants me to and it's a way to show my support for him and what he loves to do. That's what a good wife does, right? I must say though that it really sucks watching everyone else play and only watching him sit on the bench because there are too many guys, and even though there is the option of rotating out a couple innings it almost never happens. So while he sits in the dugout chatting it up with those hanging around the dugout, I sit on the bleachers or the grass (if I can find some shade) by myself wishing the game was over and it was time to go home.
However, Levi's game was AWESOME!! They played West Haven Maroon at West Haven's field, and since both teams were undefeated it was a big game for both. All week the Clinton coaches ran practice from 6pm-8pm instead of the regular 6pm-7:30pm, and on game day you could tell that Coach Paul and the rest of the coaches were definitely antsy about the game. But Clinton pulled through, and for the second weekend in a row shut-out the other team. The ending score was 26-0, and I was so happy for the boys I wanted to cry, scream, yell, jump for joy, and congratulate every single one of those little guys! They all played awesome!! And as a reward the coaches are giving the boys a pizza party on Monday after practice. They all totally deserve it - they have played wonderfully this year and give 110% not only on game day but at practice too. And seeing the joy and the smile on Levi's face after they win a game makes me feel like I am doing something right, that not only is playing football a good experience for him but that I'm learning something along the way also. I'm not sure what that is yet, but hopefully soon I will figure it out.
After the game, Paul, Vic, and I rushed back up to Brigham City because United won the game while we were gone and we had to hurry to make it there, find parking amongst the madness of Peach Days, and get over to the fields before the game started. Since this was a double elimination tourney and they lost the first game that day, they had to win this one to stay in the tournament. We made it with 5 minutes to spare before the game started. But all the speeding and frantic rushing wasn't really worth it because Paul spent most of the game sitting in the dugout again. He did get to play catcher in the 6th inning, but no one got on base that inning so it was 1-2-3 out and back into the dugout. The game ended up going 9 innings instead of 7, and because of unfortunate circumstances United ended up losing by 1 point. We went up to the Peach Days carnival and walked around with some of the guys from the team and their families, got some dinner, and went home so Paul could go to work. Dinner, might I add, was very good. Even though the temptation was there to eat all of the yummy sugary and fried foods and enjoy the specialty drinks, I was able to fight it. I only had a Texas Twister fruit drink (orange, lemon, and lime wedges squeezed and mixed with water and something else and topped with a cherry) which I was able to order sugar free, a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich that I only ate half the bread, and an ear of roasted corn on the cob with minimal butter and seasoned salt. And it all was very, very good.
And, to top it all off, the Season 2 Finale of True Blood on HBO is on tonight! We finally get to see The God Who Comes that Maryanne has been talking about and hopefully get to see more of Eric (Alex Skarsgard) and Sam (Sam Trammell). Of course, Jason isn't too bad to look at either.
So comes the time to sign off for now and finish some homework so I can concentrate on True Blood in 2 1/2 hrs or so. I have decided that I'm going to finish this post after True Blood and Hung are over tonight after the kids have gone to bed. There are so many things that I need to review from this weekend for my own reasons that I need to ponder and pick one to focus on. Putting all of this down on paper instead of having it swimming around my head and trying to decipher what is going on in my life is definitely helping me. So until later tonight, have a good dinner and relax - it's Sunday :)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
An End to Day 3
Today I spent most of the day playing The Beatles RockBand. I did get a few loads of laundry done, and I did go to Levi's practice, but I didn't walk while I was there. Instead, I apologized to the parents of the kids that Rowdy and Sam hurt playing football in the field next to where Levi's team was practicing. It seemed like all I did ALL DAY was break up fights between people. So instead of dealing with it when it got to be too much, I picked up the Rock Band guitar, tuned into it, and turned out everything around me until it was time to pick up the older boys from school.
I had to run to the store real quick to get eggs after I picked them up. During the 10 minutes we were there they managed to almost knock a display over, Rowdy ended up on the floor thanks to a shove from Levi, and they ran into three different people that were there shopping and almost knocked them down. Rowdy tried to sneak candy into the basket, which we fought over in line for about 4 minutes, and on the way out the door I was ready to knock them silly as they knocked all of the newspapers off of a table where a guy was doing the "get 3 weeks free if you sign up now" by the door. Needless to day, when we got home I was not a happy camper and they could not understand why.
This happens every time we go somewhere. And you can't beat your kids in public or even at home for that matter, so we don't go anywhere. Don't get me wrong - I do not beat my children. I do, however, give them a pop on the hind end here and there when nothing else I do is getting through to them that their behavior or language is not acceptable. When Paul and I do go somewhere, I look at all the families with children that behave themselves and think, "Why can't our kids be like that?" or "What would it be like to go somewhere as a family with other people around and not have to say, "I'm sorry my kid just punched yours" or "(Insert child's name), you're not going to like me very much if you don't quit doing that RIGHT NOW!"
I have been told I baby the kids too much and that I'm too soft on them. Paul has been told that he has no patience and needs to get some, and that's he's too hard on them. So I get firmer on the discipline side and suddenly I'm too hard on them. If you say something to Paul about how he is disciplining them, he replies with "WTFE - I just won't say anything to them ever again, you deal with it all."
The house is a mess again, the laundry is slowly but surely getting done, the chores and expectation charts might as well have never been made, and I seem to be the only one in the house that sees this as a problem. Which leads me to today's reflection... How do you change when those around you see nothing wrong with the way things are? How do you change YOUR life without being walked on or feel like you are being taken advantage of when others don't want to change? How do you motivate them, short of threatening their life, to change with you and help them realize that it isn't working?
When the chores and expectation charts were implemented the middle of July, they were a wonderful thing. I did my chores every day, which were keeping the kitchen and dining room clean, doing the dishes every day, and cooking dinner on the days that Paul had to work. Levi had to clean the living room including sweep every day and mop twice a week and keep his room clean. Rowdy's job was to clean the hallway bathroom each day including sweep it, and twice a week he had to scrub the toilet, bathtub, and mop it, as well as pick up his room that is shared with Sam. Sam's job was to help who ever needed the help (i.e. be the "go fer" if we needed anything), and help keep his room clean. Since Paul works, his only jobs were to mow the lawn once a week, water the grass every other day, and pick up the family room/computer room downstairs. EVERYONE was expected to help with the laundry, whether it was folding, washing, drying, or putting it away, and to help with the garden and pick up after dinner.
Everyone pretty much kept up with their stuff except for Paul until school started a few weeks ago. The only time the lawn has been mowed since that day when my in-laws swarmed and helped get my house in order was when his brother did it when we were in IL for a couple of weeks at the beginning of August. Likewise, the only time the grass has been watered was when I went out and turned on the hose and flooded it here and there in the dry spots. The family room... well, it's definitely seen better days. He has done a few loads of laundry and helped out here and there, but overall the chart has gone ignored. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect and haven't slacked off here and there, because I have. But come on... I'm doing as much work at home with out kids plus having Kady and Nick all day 4-5 times a week since January as he's doing at work. The only difference is he gets paid money and gets to come home from work while mine goes 24/7 and I don't get paid money to do it. I draw unemployment right now and have a harder time staying at home all the time and trying to keep up with everyone than I did working 9+ hours a day and driving at least an hour each way to work 5 days a week for almost 8 years.
When I bring it up, it turns into this huge argument. So, back to the question... how do you change when those around you see no problem with the situation? Do you sit down and talk to them about it? What happens if they won't listen, get mad, or think that nothing needs to change? What happens if your heart-felt feelings that you lay out on the table go in one ear and out the other? Do you threaten to leave or ask them to leave? What if you can't leave, or what if they can't leave? What if you don't want to leave but know that things need to change?
It's easier when there are problems with friends - you can cut them out of your life and find new ones. With relatives you don't live with, you can have limited contact and can be civil when you have to see them. But what do you do when the problem is in your own home? You can't run away from it, you can't hide from it, and you can't ignore it because the problem only gets worse.
Some people say you be the bigger person and just do it, and if it isn't working to have faith and keep working at it. Sorry - I'm not one of those people. I've been taken advantage of and walked on too many times in my life to let people walk all over me again.
Others say you lay it on the line, and if it doesn't work then you leave. I'm not to that point - I don't want to leave. Besides, how can I leave my kids? While most days they drive me completely insane, I don't know what I would do without them... I would be totally lost.
Still, others say to find a neutral 3rd party to talk through your problems with. Well, what if you can't financially afford to go to a 3rd party? And what if you can't talk to each other about anything without it becoming a battle of wills? What if one isn't willing to compromise while the other is? What if one clams up and gets an attitude every time you try to talk to them about something, while the other one gets upset because the person won't talk?
There has to be a solution somewhere out there. You can only change as much as your environment allows. If your environment is chaotic, things will stay chaotic. If your environment is full of hate, then sooner or later it will wear you down to nothing. If your environment is full of confusion, it will stress you out beyond belief trying to figure out how to change it. But if your environment is full of support and love, you will also be full of love.
I am still trying to figure out how to change my environment and convince those around me that things need to change. I drastically changed it once my sophomore year by telling all of my friends to go to hell and finding new ones. I did it a second time by moving to Utah when I was 18 and leaving everything in Illinois behind. I did it again in 2002 when things weren't going well with my marriage, and while it was harder to be a single parent, it was better for my mental health and ultimately better for my children's mental health. I don't want to make a major change like any of those again. It's not that they are too hard to do - it's that I like where I live, I love my family, and I have some really good friends that I would love to be in touch with more. So what do I do?
On that note, I feel The Beatles Rock Band game calling me again. I only have a few songs to go before I beat the game on story more with the medium guitar setting. Besides, it relaxes me.
Anyway, have a good night!
-- Virginia Satir
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
An End to Day 2
Well, things were better today. I managed to get part of the kitchen and the dining room cleaned, but everything else took a back seat when Nick and Sam started fighting over the Wii, then by the time I made lunch, got that cleaned up, ate lunch myself and sat down for a couple of minutes it was almost time to pick up Levi and Rowdy from school. When they get home all hell breaks loose so I can't get much done as I am constantly tracking down Rowdy and breaking up fights between all 3 boys when they are home.
I walked for 1/2 hr while Levi's team was doing their warm-up, then when they started playing kill the duck I finished my lap and walked over and sat down to watch him. He is doing much better than he was, I just wish he would get over the fear of going up against the bigger guys. I talked to two of his coaches today after practice, and they told me what to work on with him, so after he gets out of school tomorrow we're going out in the yard to work on his stance and getting off the line faster. They want to play him on defense also instead of just the offensive line and he wants to do it, but until he gets off the line faster and gets his butt up on the air it's not going to happen. So this is something that we can work on together and it will give us both exercise and get us out in the yard and out of the house.
On another note, I made this awesome Cheezy Zucchini Bake for dinner tonight. I found the recipe online and it sounded kind of good, definitely healthy, but I didn't like all of the ingredients in it. So, after tweaking it in my mind, I planted myself in the kitchen before practice and made dinner. I used ground turkey instead of the hamburger the recipe called for and my family couldn't even tell the difference! I had eaten ground turkey before and liked the taste, and since it's much healthier than hamburger because it's leaner I bought a few pounds of it at the grocery store a couple days ago. Paul gave me this awful look when I bought it. I told him, "I'll use turkey one day and hamburger another and you tell me which is which. If you get it wrong, I'm using turkey for just about everything but burgers". So tomorrow I'm making a hamburger helper or casserole with the turkey that is left, then I'm going to make something else with hamburger and see if he can tell me which is which. I'm hoping he gets it wrong so he will eat what I cook and won't insist on not eating what everyone else is having for dinner.
Anyway, back to the zucchini... I also cooked some spaghetti and when I served it I put a thin layer of pasta down and spooned up a helping of the zucchini over it. Everyone loved it (well, except Sam, but what 3 year old eats baked zucchini?) and they all voted that it is a recipe they would eat again. Thank God for that because I have zucchini coming out of my ears right now! I can't give it away fast enough. I think my one plant out in my garden out front has 12 of them growing right now or something stupid. What in the world am I going to do with 12 zucchini that are all ripe at the same time?? If anyone wants some, just let me know. I posted the recipe for the zucchini bake on my recipes page, which is actually a doctored guest book... lol. There's a link to the right of this if you are interested in it. It's actually very easy to make, doesn't take much prep time, and is great if you have a cook timer on your oven. Paul didn't go to football practice with us tonight, so I just reduced the temp to 300 degrees, increased the time to 1 1/2 hrs, and told him to check it here and there. When I got home it was ready to go and, like I said, tasted WONDERFUL!
I didn't snack today either. Well, I didn't snack on Snickers ;) I did have a yogurt with a little bit of crumbled Crispix cereal mixed in with it. For those of you who have a Smith's or Kroger's grocery store around, did you know that they sell a generic store-brand yogurt called "CarbMaster"? This is perfect for those who are watching carbs or calories. It's a low-calorie, low carb yogurt that I think tastes just as good as the light yogurt only it has 4 grams of carbohydrates per serving instead of 12. This is perfect for people who don't want all the sugar or calories but love yogurt. I usually don't shop at Smith's because Wal-Mart is cheaper and has more of a variety, but Paul talked me into going to Smith's because we didn't have a lot of time and I'm glad he did!
6) Off and running - Living life to the fullest every day, accepting and adapting to change, and not falling back into old habits.
From what I can tell, right now I'm only pulling myself up, working on taking a couple of steps. It's going to take some time to be off and running. Who knows how long it will take? There is only one who knows, and He has out lives planned out for us. No matter what He throws at us, even if there isn't an explanation for it immediately, there is a reason. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. It might feel like it's going to kill me, but it won't. I have had some crappy things thrown at me during my lifetime, and it was hard being a single mother even with the help I had, but that has only made me stronger.
A former co-worker of mine heard me talking about my weekend one time and asked me, "How do you do it? I would go complete insane!" My reply to her was, "I have to. My children depend on me, other people depend on me, and if I didn't do it then who would? And what kind of a person would I be?" I don't want my answer to be "I have to" anymore, but instead "I want to." And realizing that and accepting it is one of the first steps to change my way of thinking about household chores, going to work (when I finally find a job), and everything else in life.
Well, once again my bed is calling to me earlier than normal. So, on that note, goodbye until next time!
Quote of the day:
"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."
---Gail Sheehv
Boredom eater... Comfort eater... or Simply Addicted?
2. Hyperlipidemia
3. Blood circulation diseases like arteriosclerosis, high blood pressure, heart disease, and palsy
4. Skin disease
5. Joint problems, back, knee, and ankle pain
6. Liver disease
7. Cholelithiasis
8. Menstrual abnormalities
9. Female infertility
10. Breast cancer
12. Decline in libido
13. Mental stress
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
An End to Day 1
Well, here I am at the end of Day 1. Some goals were met, some were not.
I walked a total of 7, 230 steps today. That equal to around 2.2 miles for my stride length. I think that's more than I have moved in the last year! Most of that was walked with a friend while Levi was at football practice. Kelly, thanks for coming out to walk with me!
I didn't meet my caloric intake goals for the day though.
Lunch - Michelina's Lean Gourmet Chicken Alfredo Florentine 250 Calories
Snack - A handful of roasted peanuts in the shell 200 Calories
Dinner - Michelina's Lean Gourmet Swedish Meatballs 310 Calories
Grand Total: 760 Calories
Like I said, the 1500-1700 calorie per day goal is going to be hard to meet. I know I need to eat more, but I'm just not hungry and have to force myself to eat sometimes. Yes, I know that's hard to believe, but most of the time I just don't want to eat, especially when I take Phentermine.
While my house did not get cleaned, I did go to the grocery store and get only "friendly foods", such as ground turkey, lean hamburger, veggies, fruits, lean TV dinners, lots of cheese, baked potato chips, some light cottage cheese, and light, carb-friendly yogurt. With only healthy stuff in the house (besides those snack-size Snickers bars looming in the cabinet as a reward) I'm bound to succeed right? Well, I guess only time will tell.
I did do some stuff to the blog too. If you look to the right, you will see a link to a recipe exchange. The purpose is for those who visit to add "friendly recipes" for everyone to try. I will be adding one tomorrow as I have zucchini coming out of my ears right now and found a new recipe to try tomorrow called "cheezy zucchini bake". It looks really really good, and since I bought some reduced fat cheese and some fat free cheese I'm going to try it out.
Today gave me a chance to ponder more ways to reach my goals. I realized today that Nick will start school this week, and I will only have him for 2 full days. The other two days I will only have him until 12:45 or so then my dad will pick him up from school, and won't have him at all one day. With Levi and Rowdy in school, not having Kady anymore cause she is in school, and having one complete day off, I could actually go to a gym at least 3 days a week as long as I could find someone to watch Sam. Why would I go to a gym when I have an Ultimate II Bowflex , an Ab Lounger, an Ab Roller, and other various exercise equipment sitting downstairs not being used you ask? Well, because downstairs is a mess, right now I don't feel like cleaning it, it will take weeks to get all of the laundry done that is filling the spare room to make room to set up the Bowflex, and I know myself. If I clean it, get it set up, and vow to exercise here at the house - I won't do it. I will sit here on this damn computer typing my life away and clicking here and there and get nothing accomplished. However, if I'm spending money to do it and know that the money is going out each month, I am more likely to go and actually get off my butt. On the days that I don't go to the gym I have decided that I'm actually going to put this Wii Fit and Jillian Hughes Ultimate Workout 2009 games to work - as well as myself. It's about time I got off of my ass and gave it a workout.
I will also be walking 4 times a week while Levi is at football practice. For those of you around the Clinton area that feel a need to get off your butt, you are more than welcome to join me at West Clinton Elementary School from 6pm to 7:30pm Tuesday thru Friday. It's not a bad walk - there are some slight inclines here and there, but overall it's pretty flat. Please come out and join me!!
Well, that's it for tonight. Sam has just fallen asleep on my lap and typing has become slightly hindered because of it. I have decided I'm going to end each day with an inspirational quote or bible verse that relates to my life and what I need to work on. I'm off to bed now - gotta get rested up to meet more goals tomorrow! Besides, that walk kinda kicked my ass tonight... LOL
--- Author Unknown
Where am I going with this whole thing?
Before I start this morning, I just want to thank those of you who have expressed your support for me at this time in my life. Having a good support system and knowing that there is someone out there who actually cares can be all the support someone needs to succeed instead of fail. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I really do mean it, thank you very much.
Anyway, enough of the sappy crap. On to the task at hand...
So this morning I sit here going through my checklist of how to start this thing and what to do today, and come up with the following:
1) Avandia, Januvia, Hydrochlorothiazide, and Phentermine taken - check.
2) Wait half hour to eat - what I'm doing now, so check.
3) Eat breakfast.
That's where I get stuck. Usually I would eat whatever the kids are having, but since my two kids eat breakfast at school, I don't have Kady in the morning anymore, Sam's at his babe's house, and I only have Nick, I have to look at what he's eating. Chocolate milk and Fruity Pebbles. While that sounds good minus the chocolate milk, for a diabetic it's not the best thing to have a sugary cereal and two servings of milk that are packed with carbs - even though the milk is good for you. So I look in the cabinet and sure enough the kids have eaten my cereal again before eating theirs.
So this raises the following question : what "diet plan" am I going to follow? Now any expert will tell you that you can't diet, but instead have to change your eating habits and lifestyle. I have been doing this for years, and have tried several different things. Weight Watchers worked very well for me after I had Rowdy, but their diet is centered around lean meats, vegetables, and lots of carbs. Again, not good when you're diabetic. Adkins works, but that means I have to adjust meds for the lack of carbs - too much work. South Beach? Same as Adkins, but when I go off the diet I tend to over-indulge in those things that I couldn't eat while on the diet, so here comes the weight back.
After weighing all o my option, I have decided to go with the old standard - the food guide pyramid, slightly modified for my diabetes. For those of you who don't know the revised pyramid and only know the one that was drilled into us at school growing up, you can find information here. Yes, this is going to be a bit of a hassle at first, but it will be worth it to change my eating habits and lifestyle and hopefully not fall back in to what I'm trying to get out of right now. A splurge every once in a while is okay, just not ever day. So, here are the guidelines I have set for myself...
1) Caloric intake of 1500 - 1700 calories per day. While this seems low, without the snack-size Snickers bars it's actually going to be hard for me to achieve as I don't eat as much as I should or I eat waaay too much.
2) Eat 3 larger meals and 3 snacks each day. Meals must consist of a lean protein, at least one serving of "free" veggies, one serving of fruit, 2 servings of carbs (grains, starchy veggies). Snacks will consist of one serving of dairy at each one along with one serving of free veggies, except for the before-bed snack, which will be a serving of carbs and a serving of dairy. By eating the two together the carbs won't break down as fast and will help stabilize my blood sugars over night.
3) Walk at least 5,000 steps per day.
The nice thing about the MyPyramid website is not only does it give you dietary guidelines, it also has food charts and meal planners that you can download or print out to help you on the journey to a new you. And believe me - I'm going to need all the help I can get!
Well, now that my half hour is up, I guess I'm going to go dig through the kitchen and see what I can find. Maybe a one egg sandwich with a couple pieces of regular bread and some tomato with a few cucumber chips on the side. Lord knows I have enough veggies from the garden to eat them non-stop for a week!
Well, more to come later. I have decided that I'm going to find a widget of some kind to act as a recipe exchange for those who are also doing this journey and wish to share some of the great new recipes they find. For those of you who would like to share, feel free to post your comments or start your own blog and we can network them together! The more support everyone has, the more successful we all will be!
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Journey Begins!
