Today I spent most of the day playing The Beatles RockBand. I did get a few loads of laundry done, and I did go to Levi's practice, but I didn't walk while I was there. Instead, I apologized to the parents of the kids that Rowdy and Sam hurt playing football in the field next to where Levi's team was practicing. It seemed like all I did ALL DAY was break up fights between people. So instead of dealing with it when it got to be too much, I picked up the Rock Band guitar, tuned into it, and turned out everything around me until it was time to pick up the older boys from school.
I had to run to the store real quick to get eggs after I picked them up. During the 10 minutes we were there they managed to almost knock a display over, Rowdy ended up on the floor thanks to a shove from Levi, and they ran into three different people that were there shopping and almost knocked them down. Rowdy tried to sneak candy into the basket, which we fought over in line for about 4 minutes, and on the way out the door I was ready to knock them silly as they knocked all of the newspapers off of a table where a guy was doing the "get 3 weeks free if you sign up now" by the door. Needless to day, when we got home I was not a happy camper and they could not understand why.
This happens every time we go somewhere. And you can't beat your kids in public or even at home for that matter, so we don't go anywhere. Don't get me wrong - I do not beat my children. I do, however, give them a pop on the hind end here and there when nothing else I do is getting through to them that their behavior or language is not acceptable. When Paul and I do go somewhere, I look at all the families with children that behave themselves and think, "Why can't our kids be like that?" or "What would it be like to go somewhere as a family with other people around and not have to say, "I'm sorry my kid just punched yours" or "(Insert child's name), you're not going to like me very much if you don't quit doing that RIGHT NOW!"
I have been told I baby the kids too much and that I'm too soft on them. Paul has been told that he has no patience and needs to get some, and that's he's too hard on them. So I get firmer on the discipline side and suddenly I'm too hard on them. If you say something to Paul about how he is disciplining them, he replies with "WTFE - I just won't say anything to them ever again, you deal with it all."
The house is a mess again, the laundry is slowly but surely getting done, the chores and expectation charts might as well have never been made, and I seem to be the only one in the house that sees this as a problem. Which leads me to today's reflection... How do you change when those around you see nothing wrong with the way things are? How do you change YOUR life without being walked on or feel like you are being taken advantage of when others don't want to change? How do you motivate them, short of threatening their life, to change with you and help them realize that it isn't working?
When the chores and expectation charts were implemented the middle of July, they were a wonderful thing. I did my chores every day, which were keeping the kitchen and dining room clean, doing the dishes every day, and cooking dinner on the days that Paul had to work. Levi had to clean the living room including sweep every day and mop twice a week and keep his room clean. Rowdy's job was to clean the hallway bathroom each day including sweep it, and twice a week he had to scrub the toilet, bathtub, and mop it, as well as pick up his room that is shared with Sam. Sam's job was to help who ever needed the help (i.e. be the "go fer" if we needed anything), and help keep his room clean. Since Paul works, his only jobs were to mow the lawn once a week, water the grass every other day, and pick up the family room/computer room downstairs. EVERYONE was expected to help with the laundry, whether it was folding, washing, drying, or putting it away, and to help with the garden and pick up after dinner.
Everyone pretty much kept up with their stuff except for Paul until school started a few weeks ago. The only time the lawn has been mowed since that day when my in-laws swarmed and helped get my house in order was when his brother did it when we were in IL for a couple of weeks at the beginning of August. Likewise, the only time the grass has been watered was when I went out and turned on the hose and flooded it here and there in the dry spots. The family room... well, it's definitely seen better days. He has done a few loads of laundry and helped out here and there, but overall the chart has gone ignored. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect and haven't slacked off here and there, because I have. But come on... I'm doing as much work at home with out kids plus having Kady and Nick all day 4-5 times a week since January as he's doing at work. The only difference is he gets paid money and gets to come home from work while mine goes 24/7 and I don't get paid money to do it. I draw unemployment right now and have a harder time staying at home all the time and trying to keep up with everyone than I did working 9+ hours a day and driving at least an hour each way to work 5 days a week for almost 8 years.
When I bring it up, it turns into this huge argument. So, back to the question... how do you change when those around you see no problem with the situation? Do you sit down and talk to them about it? What happens if they won't listen, get mad, or think that nothing needs to change? What happens if your heart-felt feelings that you lay out on the table go in one ear and out the other? Do you threaten to leave or ask them to leave? What if you can't leave, or what if they can't leave? What if you don't want to leave but know that things need to change?
It's easier when there are problems with friends - you can cut them out of your life and find new ones. With relatives you don't live with, you can have limited contact and can be civil when you have to see them. But what do you do when the problem is in your own home? You can't run away from it, you can't hide from it, and you can't ignore it because the problem only gets worse.
Some people say you be the bigger person and just do it, and if it isn't working to have faith and keep working at it. Sorry - I'm not one of those people. I've been taken advantage of and walked on too many times in my life to let people walk all over me again.
Others say you lay it on the line, and if it doesn't work then you leave. I'm not to that point - I don't want to leave. Besides, how can I leave my kids? While most days they drive me completely insane, I don't know what I would do without them... I would be totally lost.
Still, others say to find a neutral 3rd party to talk through your problems with. Well, what if you can't financially afford to go to a 3rd party? And what if you can't talk to each other about anything without it becoming a battle of wills? What if one isn't willing to compromise while the other is? What if one clams up and gets an attitude every time you try to talk to them about something, while the other one gets upset because the person won't talk?
There has to be a solution somewhere out there. You can only change as much as your environment allows. If your environment is chaotic, things will stay chaotic. If your environment is full of hate, then sooner or later it will wear you down to nothing. If your environment is full of confusion, it will stress you out beyond belief trying to figure out how to change it. But if your environment is full of support and love, you will also be full of love.
I am still trying to figure out how to change my environment and convince those around me that things need to change. I drastically changed it once my sophomore year by telling all of my friends to go to hell and finding new ones. I did it a second time by moving to Utah when I was 18 and leaving everything in Illinois behind. I did it again in 2002 when things weren't going well with my marriage, and while it was harder to be a single parent, it was better for my mental health and ultimately better for my children's mental health. I don't want to make a major change like any of those again. It's not that they are too hard to do - it's that I like where I live, I love my family, and I have some really good friends that I would love to be in touch with more. So what do I do?
On that note, I feel The Beatles Rock Band game calling me again. I only have a few songs to go before I beat the game on story more with the medium guitar setting. Besides, it relaxes me.
Anyway, have a good night!
-- Virginia Satir
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