How can something going so good turn to something so bad so fast?

Well, the weekend started out great and then turned to shit.

Yesterday Rowdy was good. I didn't want to pull my hair out or run away or anything. He was in a good mood and behaved well... he even apologized to his teacher for growling at her on Monday. We took Levi to practice and he did very well. Now that it's the end of the season he is starting to get comfortable and proving himself. I love watching him at practice and in today's games. Tommy's girlfriend met us at practice and picked them up from the park for the weekend, then Paul and I headed to the bowling alley to visit with his brother Juan and his wife Juanita and some friends before Paul had to bowl at a different bowling alley at 9. While we were there Juan and Juanita invited us to go to dinner and to see the movie "Paranormal Activity" this evening, and since we never do anything anymore we went online and bought our tickets and were excited to actually be getting out of the house and doing something like a date night with other couples that are our family and friends. After they were done we went to the other bowling alley in Ogden so Paul could bowl league there and had a great time with Nat and Doug and more from Paul's side of the family. We decided to stop by Wal-Mart on the way home and pick up a few things, so when we got home at 1:30 am we were both exhausted and excited about the junior mite football invitational this morning and fell right to sleep.

So this morning we got up and put on our Clinton Seahawks gear and headed to the football fields. Levi's team had two games today and both of them were very exciting! All of the boys played their hearts out in the first game, but Brigham City still got the best of them and we lost 14-0. However, the second game we came back to show them what we were made of. I'm not sure what those boys had for lunch, but whatever it was they need to have it for breakfast next Saturday! The boys came into that game and showed South Weber what Clinton was made of and ended up with a 26-6 win... YIPPEE!! Way to go boys! I can't wait until next weekend :)  You can see pics from both games on my facebook, and if you don't have facebook you can link to them here.

By the time the games were over we were late to dinner but decided to go hang out anyway and then go to the movie since we already bought our tickets. So we ran home, grabbed some clothes for Sam to run to Marcie (Paul's sister who had him), and then planned on heading to Ogden for dinner and the movie. We dropped off Sam's clothes and he said he wanted to come home. We told him that we would be back in just a couple of hours to get him because we were going to the movies and it was a scary show so he couldn't go. He was fine with it, so we headed up to Ogden. We pull into the parking garage and all of a sudden I start getting text messages like mad from my mother-in-law calling me things that aren't nice at all, telling me I'm worthless and that I'm a bad mother and that my kids should be taken away from me. This isn't the first time I've heard this, and I'm sure it won't be the last. However, she just wouldn't stop. I told her to get off my back and it just got worse. Once we got into the restaurant and sat down with everyone, I looked at Paul, who was in a bad mood anyway because of this, and said let's go. We weren't even there for 5 minutes. We walked over to the movie theater, got the tickets we had already reserved and paid for, walked back over to the restaurant to give them the tickets we reserved but other people had paid for along with our tickets, and decided just to go. They gave us our two tickets back and told us to go get Sam and take him to their house and come back for the movie. By this point there is no way we were enjoying anything even if we could make it to pick up sam and drop him off at my Dad's house or Juan's house for their son to watch and then make it to the theater by the time the movie started, so instead of arguing with them (mind you I'm crying in the middle of The Junction in Ogden by this point) I just said "I can't do this anymore" and walked back to the car. I'm not sure when Paul started following me, but by the time I got to the car and had it unlocked he was there and handed me the tickets and started fielding the text messages coming in on my phone from various people. We picked Sam up, came home, he went to bed and I'm sitting here watching Yo Gabba Gabba with Sam while writing this and $20 worth of movie tickets are sitting in my car going to waste.

I am in a rut - I know that. I am having a very hard time right now. With everything going on, the last thing I need is for another person to tell me I'm a horrible mother and worthless at everything I do in life. My oldest son resents me because I don't get to spend enough time with because I'm dealing with the other two. My middle son I screwed up by having a horrible pregnancy and delivery. My youngest son never wants to come home because of the middle son always trying to beat on him because he is the youngest and is jealous of him.

Oh - and I think Sam might be diabetic. I have to get him into the doctor on Monday morning. He has had a few days where he has been drinking non-stop and has been wetting his pants and doesn't even really know it. So since Marcie has a blood glucose meter at home I told her to stick him last night and see what it was. Well, it was 168 last night two hours after eating, and that's a little high. The doc tells me I need to be 120 or less 2 hrs after a meal. I wanted to go get him last night or this morning but she said he was fine and would keep an eye on him, so I told her to take a fasting sugar this morning and tell me what it was when she took it. The reading this morning was 162, which is way high. A fasting sugar should be less than 100, some doctors say it should be less than 90. I don't know what I am going to do if he is diabetic too. Of course I'm going to find a way to get through it and do what I have to - that's what mom's do. But it's not going to be easy for him. They don't put children on oral medication, they take insulin shots. I can't help feeling like it is my fault he may have it. I'm the one that carried him, I'm the one who gave birth to him, and it was because of my body and my gestational diabetes that he was born almost 6 weeks early and spent 2 weeks in the NICU because of underdeveloped lungs and then came home on oxygen for 2 more week after that. As Paul walked around the house this morning before we left for the game saying, "I can't believe my son may be sick" I started crying again. I couldn't help it - the tears just rolled and I couldn't stop them no matter what I did. Here I have one son that has a mental disorder that he will have to deal with the rest of his life and another that may have physical problems he will live with for the rest of his life - and I can't help but think it is all because of me. Then this evening I have more people telling me I'm a bad mom... what am I supposed to do???

And I have decided to withdraw from school for a little while. I know I only have 18 weeks of class time left and a 3.8 GPA with 3 classes to go, but I can't do it right now. With everything else going on I am totally stressed out already, and while I have been going to school without an extended break for a year and a half now it is starting to wear on me. I got rid of the dog because no one would help take care of him and the stress of dealing with the dog, the kids, the house, watching kids, keeping up with school, and trying to stay sane was too much for me. I couldn't cut out anything else, so when one of the 5 kids at my house last spring let the dog out the front door and he ran off right before school and I had to chase him down I let him go to an adoption program. I made sure he wouldn't be put to sleep, and it killed me to let him go because he was such a good dog, but for my sanity and the safety of the dog I had to do it. I didn't want him to get let out and hit by a car like the dog we had before him, and I couldn't be sure that someone wouldn't let him out again.

Now, however, there is nothing else I can cut out. I can't cut out the kids, I can't cut out the house, I can't cut out the job hunt, and I can't cut out the various other stresses in my life right now. The only option is school until things get situated again - until things return to the organized chaos they were when I was working. I know a job isn't going to solve all of my problems, but it would be a good start. Hell, an interview would be a good start. All the rejection letters combined with all the issues at home are really starting to get to me. Maybe all of the things people are saying are true. I know I'm supposed to be changing thigs for the positive, but I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I don't even want to comfort eat this time... I want to comfort starve. Neither one are good for me because of the whole diabetes thing, but I can't help but want to escape it all permanently and still wonder what in the hell God is trying to prove by sending all of this my way.

Well, I have made this long enough. I'm going to go search the job boards again, send out a couple hundred resumes, and wait for the rejection letters to start rolling in.

Until next time...

Here we go again...

Well, here we go again. I am eating non-stop it seems like because I am stressed out to the point that I am exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. The only things that seem to still be working are my fingers and my jaw. In other words I can type and click, and I can eat. Eat Eat Eat Eat EAT! I ate three chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing on them yesterday and another one today... and I don't even LIKE chocolate cupcakes and I HATE icing!! I have been avoiding the scale because I know I have gained at least a few pounds. Why am I this way you ask? Well, let me tell you...

Rowdy has been unbearable lately. He does nothing but argue and pick fights with EVERYONE! He even growled at his teacher the other day, which didn't go over very well. When Paul picked them up from school on Monday, the teacher said he has been very defiant over the last couple of weeks, very unattentive, and he growled at her because he didn't want to do something that day. Then she said "So what's different at home?" Ummm.... nothing is different here. And "Where is dad at when all of this is going on Franklin?" Well, "real dad" (who really doesn't even count because he is never around for his children now that he has a girlfriend with four kids and they have moved out of his parents' house where they lived for a year) is never around and doesn't pay his child support. And Paul, stepdad, is at work or asleep most of the time. Paul then explains to her that he is now comfortable with everyone there at the school and it's only just begun. The lady then pretty much accused us of being bad parents. Go figure. It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Guess that's what happens when it's just mom who can barely function anymore from all the stress of bills that can't be paid, constant fighting and yelling at home by one or more people, and only having three classes left before my degree is obtained yet no time for school work until after everyone goes to bed or leaves for work. By that time I have around 2 hrs (soon to be 1 hr) to complete the assignments due that day before they are late. Yeah, right. Like that ever happens. Anyway, needless to say, Rowdy's school finally realized that he does need special attention and I have an appointment to create an IEP for him with the principal, the special ed teacher, his regular teacher, me, and Rowdy tomorrow at 3:30. Not sure what I'm going to do with Levi during that time, but it needs to be done.

And we are no further in the process of saving the house. No one wants to move in here with us (do you blame them??) and my unemployment runs out in two weeks. There are no possible jobs out there for me because of underqualified, overqualified, bad fit, too far north by 3 miles, no degree, etc. I could go on and on and on. I counted up the rejection letters I have received in the last 6 months and there are around 65-70 of them. That doesn't count the ones that didn't even send me a letter or email letting me know I wasn't good enough to even get an interview with them, let alone work for them. My resume looks good, my job history is good, but there's something about me that they don't like. Could it be that I was with a company for almost 8 years and never advanced past a title of "Coordinator"? Hello people - I did the job, I trained my team lead to do his job, I filled in for 7+ years at the supervisor position when they were not able to do it because of not being there or not knowing what the hell to do! I actually got a rejection email the other day from a company that I applied for a job as an administrative assistant for $9 an hour without any hint of ever getting an interview. Believe it or not I am qualified for that position, but they seemed to think that my steady work history and working in an office setting for 8 years wasn't good enough to fill the opening. What the hell is wrong with me that no one thinks I'm qualified to do anything? I'm a fast learner, I'm smart, I take pride in my work... yet even with these qualities being outlined in a letter of recommendation I can't even get an interview. Guess I need to figure out where we are going to live come January.

In all my life I never thought I would face being married with 3 children and worrying about a place to live, yet that is where I am at. I remember the day I signed my mortgage papers on March 31, 2005. I was so happy. I even called Mike when I left the office with the keys, crying and blubbering because I was so happy and told him, "I'm a homeowner now... I can't believe it!" I took a week off of work to get moved in and paint and buy new appliances with the extra allowance I got on the loan. Things were looking up! Then the day I went back to work Levi got his butt pretty much ripped off by a dog, and that's when things started to go downhill, and it seems like it's been going that way ever since. I don't even talk to Mike anymore because I can't get ahold of him or he is avoiding my calls for some reason. He was the only person I considered my friend for a long, long time. Every time even a hint of sunshine comes through the clouds it starts to pour again and clouds over worse that it was before. When is enough enough?

I know I should stay optimistic, but I can't. I did that for the last 5 years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I think I have finally been broken, almost beyond repair. We (everyone who knows me) have all known for years that I had some cracks in my foundation, but it seems like over the last year or two those cracks have gotten big enough that everything is starting to crumble. If I still lived in Illinois I could seek out a support group in the area and have someone to talk to or relate to about what is going on. Out here in Utah, the anti-depressant capital of the world, there aren't groups such as that. Everyone is expected to take their meds and deal with it. If they can't deal with it then they figure out how to hide it. You're supposed to go to church, pretend bad things don't happen, have a gigantic family, and smile. Anything else is seen as unacceptible. Guess what? I'm one of the unacceptible ones. I can't put a smile on my face and hide that fact that I'm afraid that my 6 year old is going to kill me. I can't hide the fact that ever since I was pregnant with Sammy and had no clue what he looked like I have had nightmares at least 3 times a week that Rowdy kills him when he is around 3 or 4 years old and then kills me when I try to stop him. I can't hide the fact that Levi, now 8 years old, resents me for divorcing his dad and marrying Paul. And I can't hide the fact that my 3 year old doesn't even want to come home because he's afraid of his brother. And, last of all, I can't hide the fact that I feel worthless and alone in this world and wishing that I leave this earth sooner rather than later.

I was watching Diet Tribe the other day and Mary, the stay-at-home mom on the show, said something I think every single day during a group counseling session. Here is how it played out word for word...

 Dr. to group: "I want to talk to you about what does is mean to be successful. Who will you be if you become successful. Let's hear from Mary. What would success be to you?"

Mary: "Success to me would be to be happy, because I am very unhappy in life with a lot of things. Before I walk in the front door I think ugh... I'm home."

Dr. to Mary: "You're tired."

Mary: "Very tired. There has been many days where if I could get in my car and drive away and no one would just me I would. And that's not good."

I can totaly relate to her and her situation. Like me, she has two children from a previous marriage and one from her current marriage. She is constantly having to try to keep up with everything at home. She is the peacekeeper of the family, being tugged back and forth between the older kids and her husband and the youngest. The difference between the two of us is that she chose to give up her job and stay home and take care of the kids while I didn't have a choice. Paul didn't want to move to Arizona until it was too late, so I gave up my career for my family. Now I can't find a job to save my life and he's kicking himself for not wanting to move. I guess we learn from our mistakes. As I have said before, hind sight is the best sight, right?

Well, it's almost time to pick up the kids and I have a couple of loads of laundry to fold.

Until next time...

Rejection letter after rejection letter...

If I receive one more rejection letter stating that I'm not qualified, I'm over-qualified, or there are candidates that fit the job profile better I'm gonna scream. Most say that I'm over-qualified or that there are others that fit the profile better because they have a degree. First - just because I don't a piece of paper doesn't mean that I don't have the required skills to do the job, be it managerial or an entry-level position. Second, HOW IN THE HELL CAN SOMEONE BE OVERQUALIFIED??? Wouldn't you want someone working for you in an entry-level position that is more than qualified to do the job in case their performance and their work ethic was outstanding and another position became available that you could move them into? You know, work your way up the ladder like in the olden days? One company sent me a rejection email less than 24 hours after I put in the application and sent my resume and recommendation letter to them. After talking to someone that works for them, apparently I am outside of their hiring radius by 3 miles even though I am qualified for the position. How can a company determine whether you will be a good employee or not just by your location? As much as I hate it, I have come to the realization that the only place there are jobs right now is SLC because there is nothing from Ogden to Bountiful, but I'm being rejected by companies in SLC because I live up north... what do you do about that one? I do have some friends looking out for positions I am qualified for, so that's a plus. One night this week I sat up all night applying for jobs via the internet and chatting with a former co-worker for part of the night who was also searching job boards for me and sending me the links to them. To that person - if you read this, thank you so very much once again, I really do appreciate it.

On another note, so far I'm keeping up with my classes I started this week. I do find myself wondering how people with such bad grammar, spelling, and punctuation can make it a year or more through their advanced education without realizing they sound like a complete idiot when they post. I find myself having to decipher most of the discussion posts in my marketing class before I can respond to them. And I'm sure it will be the same in my nutrition class come next week when it's time for discussion. However, I'm glad I am taking this nutrition class because I think it's going to be pretty easy for me. Week one has dealt with mypyramid.gov, and many of you that have been following my posts know that I love that site and that I am trying to follow that meal plan. As I looked ahead and reviewed the rest of the course material, I couldn't help but notice there is a chapter on Diabetes (which I have been dealing with for the last 4 years straight, as well as when I was pregnant with Levi and Rowdy a few years prior to that), exercise (I may not do it much but I know the ins and outs of it), and other stuff I have had to educate myself on because of having Type II Diabetes. So, needless to say, I think the next 9 weeks are going to go pretty well for me when it comes to school. Now if the job-front and home-front projection go as well as the school-front projection then my life will start returning to normal.

We have a busy weekend coming up and hope we can fit everything in. Levi's birthday was Tuesday, October 6, and he turned 8. Yes, it has been that long, and I can't believe it either. So we are having a birthday party for him on Sunday at the bowling alley. Why the bowling alley you ask? Well, yes, it is more expensive, but it keeps people from coming to my disgusting house. Levi also has his football party on Saturday afternoon which is scheduled to last who knows how long. The invite from the coaches said "From 3pm to ? Bring stuff for smores because there is a fire pit at the park and dress for cool weather. It's going to be fun!" And Kady turned 7 today (Happy Birthday Kady!) and her party is Saturday at 6pm. We are going to try to make it, at least Paul and the kids are, but I'm not sure if I'm going or not. After the blow-up with my mother earlier this week I really think I am done with her. And since my sister and her family live with my parents and the party is there I'm on the fence about going. Do I go and get accused of avoiding my mother and treating her like shit because she walks into a room and I walk out or she walks outside and I walk in or risk making Kadence feel bad because I wasn't there? I haven't figured that one out yet.

Well, my iced caramel machiatto and blueberry muffin just arrived from Starbucks. It's nice sometimes when Paul works graves and gets off in time to grab a treat for breakfast/brunch. Maybe I will clean the kitchen today... or maybe not.

Until next time...

Sorry!

Apparently, according to my mother (and she says my father too), I'm crazy, I invent things that happened because I remember them and no one else does, she doesn't know how I got this way, and I'm a very hard, cold, selfish person.

So to everyone I have ever screwed over one way or another - sorry. Don't worry, it won't happen again.

To everyone that I have been a cold, heartless bitch to - sorry. I'll try to stay away, which couldn't be too hard because I just sit here at my house that will hopefully still be my house in a few months.

To everyone that thinks I'm a horrible parent - I am who I am. Some people were meant to have kids, others shouldn't. I guess I'm one that shouldn't have had kids.

To everyone that hates me but has to tolerate me because of one situation or another - let me know. I just won't come around.

And to everyone else - I'm a psychotic person. Just stay away. Life has made me trust no one, life has made me shut people out, life has made me who I am today. Oh freaking well. Shit happens. I learn from experience and from those around me when growing up. I'm not perfect. I do what I have to.

Still wondering what I did to deserve all this. And I have come to the realization that things are never going to change. The more I say or do things, the more it gets twisted around, and the more I look bad. I'm just hoping this is all a dream and I wake up and don't doubt my life, my faith, and most around me.

I should have taken that job in Arizona or the one in Portland when I had the chance. I guess hind sight is still the best sight, right?

Long Time No Blog

I know, I let the blog go for awhile - sorry. I'm finally feeling well enough to actually do something.

So I start school again today. I'm going to have to pay for the class that I didn't finish and was withdrawn from due to lack of attendance, but I got my funding back for the math class and for the classes that start today. My projected graduation date has moved to February, but it's better than being nonexistent. Hopefully I can find a job here soon without a degree that is actually worth going to work for and doesn't just cover my daycare costs and pay for transportation to and from work. I think I might have to work 2 jobs at first, but once I get comfortable somewhere and they realize that I know what I say I know but don't have a piece of paper saying so and give me a raise I think I will be good to go. I have a lead on a position that I hope I at least get an interview, and once there I think I can sell them on me. My resume is already there... I guess we will just have to wait and see!

Levi is done with regular season football. His last game was this past Saturday, and it was a very exciting one. We played Ogden at their home field and both Ogden Tigers and Clinton Seahawks went into this game with a 6-0 record for the season. Clinton ended up losing by a touchdown with the final score being 19-13. However, the boys played with all their heart and we were the only team to score on Ogden all season. I think the coaches were more shook up than the boys were. Levi was just excited that he was inviting his whole team to his bithday party this coming Sunday. He was a little bummed that they didn't win, but quickly got over it once we got home. We went to my parent's house for a weiner roast in celebration of a great season and Levi's birthday that is coming up, and he ended up staying over night while Paul and I took Sam to the emergency room. We couldn't get into the doctor last week, and I just had a feeling we would end up there before we could get in today. Turns out he has a nasty upper respiratory infection (which is what I've had for quite awhile now) and he is feeling much better.

I am on track to saving my house now. I called HopeNow and ended up getting further with the mortgage company than I have in the last 4 months. They conference called my mortgage company and finally found out what paperwork they were missing so we can do the Make Home Affordable program. While I'm not fond of Obama, I actually can't stand the man and think he's a joke, this is one program I am happy he implemented. We have come to the decision that we need to take on a roommate or room family of some kind though to help lower expenses. We have a whole basement that really isn't used, so that person or family would have their own living room, their own bathroom (as soon as we get it finished... right now it would be their own toilet and sink), and two bedrooms. They would have to share a kitchen and bathroom with us upstairs until the one downstairs was finished, but since we are only going to rent it out to someone we know then it wouldn't be a problem. Hopefully we can find someone soon and get caught up on everything and stay current on it. This whole not having a job thing and waiting for emergency unemployment to kick in totally screwed up everything, and hopefully we will get everything caught up before January when the house is scheduled to be sold.

I no longer have Kady and Nick during the day anymore because Natalie lost her job after being with the company for 12 years (I think... I know it was more than 10). I'm hoping to get this house cleaned spotless, maintain it, and get ALL of the laundry done and put away. And any clothing that is too small for Sammy I'm gonna sell or give away. So if you know anyone that is IN NEED of boys clothing size 2T or smaller let me know. I would like it to go to a truly needy family, not just one that is too cheap to go buy clothes for their kids because they feel there are other things that are more important. It really pisses me off when they say "my kids need this but I can't afford it" but they can go out and party or constantly use illegal drugs or always have beer, but they can't go to Wal-Mart and buy their toddler a shirt for $3.50 and a pair of pants for the same price. A whole outfit for the price of a 6-pack, but the 6 pack wins... pathetic. I know I had help and there have been times that I haven't exactly made the right decisions involving money, but I'm trying to change that now and would like to help someone that really needs it and doesn't have the money to buy clothes for their kids.

The diet has been going... and that's about it. I've been maintaining... I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. It's time to get back on track and start losing again. I watched the first episode of Diet Tribe last night and I really like it. I like The Biggest Loser, but I find myself liking Diet Tribe much more. I think it's because the women are at home with their families while they are starting their weight loss journey. All 5 of these women have children, and they have all been friends for quite awhile. They aren't on a ranch where all other aspects of life stop and they get to focus solely on their weight loss goals - they are at home and real life is still going on. They still have to take the kids to school, go to work, take care of the home, go to extra-curricular activities, and find time to squeeze in exercise time and take time for themselves. They meet with a psychotherapist and attend group counseling as well as individual counseling. They feel guilty and also feel happy that they are taking time for themselves, and are not only working individually but also as a team. At the first weigh-in they set individual goals for 120 days, and at each weigh-in they set a goal for the team for the next week. They cheat on their diets, they feel guilty, they cry, they laugh, they talk, and they support each other, and they go on with life and learn from their mistakes. I highly recommend watching this show if you are trying to lose weight. It even made me lose the guilt I had from eating a couple of Snickers bars last week when times got tough, and if it can do that you know it has to be good  :)

Another show I have come to love this season since True Blood season 2 is over and season 3 is not scheduled to start until next summer is Drop Dead Diva. It's a crazy little show that you have to watch from episode 1 to totally understand what is going on, but you can come into it in the middle too. The main character is an overweight lawyer who passes away at the same time as a model, but the model doesn't accept she is dead and sends herself back to Earth but doesn't end up in her body. She has all these issues with her frumpy, overweight self in this new body and has to learn to live with it. I totally felt myself identifying with many of the issues in each episode, except for the whole not being able to tell people what really happened and having to work with your former boyfriend that doesn't know he's your former boyfriend. Anyway, if you can find it online (I found back episodes at www.surfthechannel.com) and haven't seen it, do it. You won't be disappointed.

Oh - and I was looking at Halloween costumes all day on the web yesterday, and I have come to the conclusion that costume designers and manufacturers have decided that Halloween was made for skinny people. Do you know how hard it is to find a costume that is over a size 16-18??? And then when you find it, if it's something you are looking for or have decided to settle for, you have to take out a small loan to purchase it. HELLO... WAKE UP DESIGNERS AND MANUFACTURERS!! FAT PEOPLE LIKE TO DRESS UP TOO!!! We need something affordable, cute or scary, and NOT totally revealing! I'm going to say this, and I can say it because I have the right to do it...

There are some things that should not be made for fat people. Things that show the belly, short short skirts, halter tops with a low back, and other such revealing things should not be made for fat people, and if they are, they should not be worn in public.

There - I said it. It's out there, and I'm not going to retract it. I've dressed conservatively my whole life to hide my fat. People say that some can pull it off with the right attitude. Wrong. No matter what attitude you have, if you are fat and your rolls are hanging out all over the place it's time to put it away. Far, far away. Where you can't get to it for awhile.


Well, it's time to start the laundry. I have been putting it off long enough. Until next time...