Here we go again...

Well, here we go again. I am eating non-stop it seems like because I am stressed out to the point that I am exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. The only things that seem to still be working are my fingers and my jaw. In other words I can type and click, and I can eat. Eat Eat Eat Eat EAT! I ate three chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing on them yesterday and another one today... and I don't even LIKE chocolate cupcakes and I HATE icing!! I have been avoiding the scale because I know I have gained at least a few pounds. Why am I this way you ask? Well, let me tell you...

Rowdy has been unbearable lately. He does nothing but argue and pick fights with EVERYONE! He even growled at his teacher the other day, which didn't go over very well. When Paul picked them up from school on Monday, the teacher said he has been very defiant over the last couple of weeks, very unattentive, and he growled at her because he didn't want to do something that day. Then she said "So what's different at home?" Ummm.... nothing is different here. And "Where is dad at when all of this is going on Franklin?" Well, "real dad" (who really doesn't even count because he is never around for his children now that he has a girlfriend with four kids and they have moved out of his parents' house where they lived for a year) is never around and doesn't pay his child support. And Paul, stepdad, is at work or asleep most of the time. Paul then explains to her that he is now comfortable with everyone there at the school and it's only just begun. The lady then pretty much accused us of being bad parents. Go figure. It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Guess that's what happens when it's just mom who can barely function anymore from all the stress of bills that can't be paid, constant fighting and yelling at home by one or more people, and only having three classes left before my degree is obtained yet no time for school work until after everyone goes to bed or leaves for work. By that time I have around 2 hrs (soon to be 1 hr) to complete the assignments due that day before they are late. Yeah, right. Like that ever happens. Anyway, needless to say, Rowdy's school finally realized that he does need special attention and I have an appointment to create an IEP for him with the principal, the special ed teacher, his regular teacher, me, and Rowdy tomorrow at 3:30. Not sure what I'm going to do with Levi during that time, but it needs to be done.

And we are no further in the process of saving the house. No one wants to move in here with us (do you blame them??) and my unemployment runs out in two weeks. There are no possible jobs out there for me because of underqualified, overqualified, bad fit, too far north by 3 miles, no degree, etc. I could go on and on and on. I counted up the rejection letters I have received in the last 6 months and there are around 65-70 of them. That doesn't count the ones that didn't even send me a letter or email letting me know I wasn't good enough to even get an interview with them, let alone work for them. My resume looks good, my job history is good, but there's something about me that they don't like. Could it be that I was with a company for almost 8 years and never advanced past a title of "Coordinator"? Hello people - I did the job, I trained my team lead to do his job, I filled in for 7+ years at the supervisor position when they were not able to do it because of not being there or not knowing what the hell to do! I actually got a rejection email the other day from a company that I applied for a job as an administrative assistant for $9 an hour without any hint of ever getting an interview. Believe it or not I am qualified for that position, but they seemed to think that my steady work history and working in an office setting for 8 years wasn't good enough to fill the opening. What the hell is wrong with me that no one thinks I'm qualified to do anything? I'm a fast learner, I'm smart, I take pride in my work... yet even with these qualities being outlined in a letter of recommendation I can't even get an interview. Guess I need to figure out where we are going to live come January.

In all my life I never thought I would face being married with 3 children and worrying about a place to live, yet that is where I am at. I remember the day I signed my mortgage papers on March 31, 2005. I was so happy. I even called Mike when I left the office with the keys, crying and blubbering because I was so happy and told him, "I'm a homeowner now... I can't believe it!" I took a week off of work to get moved in and paint and buy new appliances with the extra allowance I got on the loan. Things were looking up! Then the day I went back to work Levi got his butt pretty much ripped off by a dog, and that's when things started to go downhill, and it seems like it's been going that way ever since. I don't even talk to Mike anymore because I can't get ahold of him or he is avoiding my calls for some reason. He was the only person I considered my friend for a long, long time. Every time even a hint of sunshine comes through the clouds it starts to pour again and clouds over worse that it was before. When is enough enough?

I know I should stay optimistic, but I can't. I did that for the last 5 years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I think I have finally been broken, almost beyond repair. We (everyone who knows me) have all known for years that I had some cracks in my foundation, but it seems like over the last year or two those cracks have gotten big enough that everything is starting to crumble. If I still lived in Illinois I could seek out a support group in the area and have someone to talk to or relate to about what is going on. Out here in Utah, the anti-depressant capital of the world, there aren't groups such as that. Everyone is expected to take their meds and deal with it. If they can't deal with it then they figure out how to hide it. You're supposed to go to church, pretend bad things don't happen, have a gigantic family, and smile. Anything else is seen as unacceptible. Guess what? I'm one of the unacceptible ones. I can't put a smile on my face and hide that fact that I'm afraid that my 6 year old is going to kill me. I can't hide the fact that ever since I was pregnant with Sammy and had no clue what he looked like I have had nightmares at least 3 times a week that Rowdy kills him when he is around 3 or 4 years old and then kills me when I try to stop him. I can't hide the fact that Levi, now 8 years old, resents me for divorcing his dad and marrying Paul. And I can't hide the fact that my 3 year old doesn't even want to come home because he's afraid of his brother. And, last of all, I can't hide the fact that I feel worthless and alone in this world and wishing that I leave this earth sooner rather than later.

I was watching Diet Tribe the other day and Mary, the stay-at-home mom on the show, said something I think every single day during a group counseling session. Here is how it played out word for word...

 Dr. to group: "I want to talk to you about what does is mean to be successful. Who will you be if you become successful. Let's hear from Mary. What would success be to you?"

Mary: "Success to me would be to be happy, because I am very unhappy in life with a lot of things. Before I walk in the front door I think ugh... I'm home."

Dr. to Mary: "You're tired."

Mary: "Very tired. There has been many days where if I could get in my car and drive away and no one would just me I would. And that's not good."

I can totaly relate to her and her situation. Like me, she has two children from a previous marriage and one from her current marriage. She is constantly having to try to keep up with everything at home. She is the peacekeeper of the family, being tugged back and forth between the older kids and her husband and the youngest. The difference between the two of us is that she chose to give up her job and stay home and take care of the kids while I didn't have a choice. Paul didn't want to move to Arizona until it was too late, so I gave up my career for my family. Now I can't find a job to save my life and he's kicking himself for not wanting to move. I guess we learn from our mistakes. As I have said before, hind sight is the best sight, right?

Well, it's almost time to pick up the kids and I have a couple of loads of laundry to fold.

Until next time...