How can something going so good turn to something so bad so fast?

Well, the weekend started out great and then turned to shit.

Yesterday Rowdy was good. I didn't want to pull my hair out or run away or anything. He was in a good mood and behaved well... he even apologized to his teacher for growling at her on Monday. We took Levi to practice and he did very well. Now that it's the end of the season he is starting to get comfortable and proving himself. I love watching him at practice and in today's games. Tommy's girlfriend met us at practice and picked them up from the park for the weekend, then Paul and I headed to the bowling alley to visit with his brother Juan and his wife Juanita and some friends before Paul had to bowl at a different bowling alley at 9. While we were there Juan and Juanita invited us to go to dinner and to see the movie "Paranormal Activity" this evening, and since we never do anything anymore we went online and bought our tickets and were excited to actually be getting out of the house and doing something like a date night with other couples that are our family and friends. After they were done we went to the other bowling alley in Ogden so Paul could bowl league there and had a great time with Nat and Doug and more from Paul's side of the family. We decided to stop by Wal-Mart on the way home and pick up a few things, so when we got home at 1:30 am we were both exhausted and excited about the junior mite football invitational this morning and fell right to sleep.

So this morning we got up and put on our Clinton Seahawks gear and headed to the football fields. Levi's team had two games today and both of them were very exciting! All of the boys played their hearts out in the first game, but Brigham City still got the best of them and we lost 14-0. However, the second game we came back to show them what we were made of. I'm not sure what those boys had for lunch, but whatever it was they need to have it for breakfast next Saturday! The boys came into that game and showed South Weber what Clinton was made of and ended up with a 26-6 win... YIPPEE!! Way to go boys! I can't wait until next weekend :)  You can see pics from both games on my facebook, and if you don't have facebook you can link to them here.

By the time the games were over we were late to dinner but decided to go hang out anyway and then go to the movie since we already bought our tickets. So we ran home, grabbed some clothes for Sam to run to Marcie (Paul's sister who had him), and then planned on heading to Ogden for dinner and the movie. We dropped off Sam's clothes and he said he wanted to come home. We told him that we would be back in just a couple of hours to get him because we were going to the movies and it was a scary show so he couldn't go. He was fine with it, so we headed up to Ogden. We pull into the parking garage and all of a sudden I start getting text messages like mad from my mother-in-law calling me things that aren't nice at all, telling me I'm worthless and that I'm a bad mother and that my kids should be taken away from me. This isn't the first time I've heard this, and I'm sure it won't be the last. However, she just wouldn't stop. I told her to get off my back and it just got worse. Once we got into the restaurant and sat down with everyone, I looked at Paul, who was in a bad mood anyway because of this, and said let's go. We weren't even there for 5 minutes. We walked over to the movie theater, got the tickets we had already reserved and paid for, walked back over to the restaurant to give them the tickets we reserved but other people had paid for along with our tickets, and decided just to go. They gave us our two tickets back and told us to go get Sam and take him to their house and come back for the movie. By this point there is no way we were enjoying anything even if we could make it to pick up sam and drop him off at my Dad's house or Juan's house for their son to watch and then make it to the theater by the time the movie started, so instead of arguing with them (mind you I'm crying in the middle of The Junction in Ogden by this point) I just said "I can't do this anymore" and walked back to the car. I'm not sure when Paul started following me, but by the time I got to the car and had it unlocked he was there and handed me the tickets and started fielding the text messages coming in on my phone from various people. We picked Sam up, came home, he went to bed and I'm sitting here watching Yo Gabba Gabba with Sam while writing this and $20 worth of movie tickets are sitting in my car going to waste.

I am in a rut - I know that. I am having a very hard time right now. With everything going on, the last thing I need is for another person to tell me I'm a horrible mother and worthless at everything I do in life. My oldest son resents me because I don't get to spend enough time with because I'm dealing with the other two. My middle son I screwed up by having a horrible pregnancy and delivery. My youngest son never wants to come home because of the middle son always trying to beat on him because he is the youngest and is jealous of him.

Oh - and I think Sam might be diabetic. I have to get him into the doctor on Monday morning. He has had a few days where he has been drinking non-stop and has been wetting his pants and doesn't even really know it. So since Marcie has a blood glucose meter at home I told her to stick him last night and see what it was. Well, it was 168 last night two hours after eating, and that's a little high. The doc tells me I need to be 120 or less 2 hrs after a meal. I wanted to go get him last night or this morning but she said he was fine and would keep an eye on him, so I told her to take a fasting sugar this morning and tell me what it was when she took it. The reading this morning was 162, which is way high. A fasting sugar should be less than 100, some doctors say it should be less than 90. I don't know what I am going to do if he is diabetic too. Of course I'm going to find a way to get through it and do what I have to - that's what mom's do. But it's not going to be easy for him. They don't put children on oral medication, they take insulin shots. I can't help feeling like it is my fault he may have it. I'm the one that carried him, I'm the one who gave birth to him, and it was because of my body and my gestational diabetes that he was born almost 6 weeks early and spent 2 weeks in the NICU because of underdeveloped lungs and then came home on oxygen for 2 more week after that. As Paul walked around the house this morning before we left for the game saying, "I can't believe my son may be sick" I started crying again. I couldn't help it - the tears just rolled and I couldn't stop them no matter what I did. Here I have one son that has a mental disorder that he will have to deal with the rest of his life and another that may have physical problems he will live with for the rest of his life - and I can't help but think it is all because of me. Then this evening I have more people telling me I'm a bad mom... what am I supposed to do???

And I have decided to withdraw from school for a little while. I know I only have 18 weeks of class time left and a 3.8 GPA with 3 classes to go, but I can't do it right now. With everything else going on I am totally stressed out already, and while I have been going to school without an extended break for a year and a half now it is starting to wear on me. I got rid of the dog because no one would help take care of him and the stress of dealing with the dog, the kids, the house, watching kids, keeping up with school, and trying to stay sane was too much for me. I couldn't cut out anything else, so when one of the 5 kids at my house last spring let the dog out the front door and he ran off right before school and I had to chase him down I let him go to an adoption program. I made sure he wouldn't be put to sleep, and it killed me to let him go because he was such a good dog, but for my sanity and the safety of the dog I had to do it. I didn't want him to get let out and hit by a car like the dog we had before him, and I couldn't be sure that someone wouldn't let him out again.

Now, however, there is nothing else I can cut out. I can't cut out the kids, I can't cut out the house, I can't cut out the job hunt, and I can't cut out the various other stresses in my life right now. The only option is school until things get situated again - until things return to the organized chaos they were when I was working. I know a job isn't going to solve all of my problems, but it would be a good start. Hell, an interview would be a good start. All the rejection letters combined with all the issues at home are really starting to get to me. Maybe all of the things people are saying are true. I know I'm supposed to be changing thigs for the positive, but I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I don't even want to comfort eat this time... I want to comfort starve. Neither one are good for me because of the whole diabetes thing, but I can't help but want to escape it all permanently and still wonder what in the hell God is trying to prove by sending all of this my way.

Well, I have made this long enough. I'm going to go search the job boards again, send out a couple hundred resumes, and wait for the rejection letters to start rolling in.

Until next time...