It's been a long week, and going to get longer before it's over...

Wow - a long week for sure, and it's only Thursday!

One week ago today Rowdy got kicked out of school for being disruptive and vandalizing the boys bathroom, then disobeying the principal. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. That morning, however, after I dropped Levi and Rowdy off at school and Rowdy was in a bad mood I went home and said to Paul "I have a feeling we're going to get a call from the school today about Rowdy". Sure enough, around 2:30 my phone rang and it was Principal Dau saying that they had exhausted all of their resources with him and I needed to come get him because he was suspended indefinitely. Since there was only a short time before school was out, the principal just had him sit in the office until the end of the day. When Paul went to pick him up the principal handed him a letter explaining what had happened and said we would set up a meeting after he got help to get him back into school.

And so the ongoing search for help became more frantic, and we made an appointment with our physician to see if he had any suggestions for medication and where we could get help for Rowdy.

So Monday morning at the doctor's office the search began again - but by the Dr. this time. He got a little further than we had because he got to Primary Children's Hospital and actually spoke to someone there. The guy from PCH called me back around 2pm and I explained the situation. He said that PCH wasn't in our insurance network (surprise surprise - here we go again!) and that they didn't feel they could help him if they were. They thought he needed something more involved, something more intense. He said he would make a few phone calls and get back to me.

Around half hour later, he called back and said he had spoken with someone at the University of Utah neuropsychiatric hospital, and their inpatient program was willing to speak to us. So I called them and spoke to them. I hated to think about an inpatient program for a 7 year old, but I didn't think it would hurt to speak with them. So I called them and the next thing I know we are at the U of U and he is being evaluated. We had a 4:30 appointment, and between the evaluation with a social worker, getting authorization from insurance for the program, speaking to the Dr. there and seeing if he thought it would benefit Rowdy and if he qualified for it, getting him upstairs into the pediatric unit, all the paperwork and interviews done, and getting him settled, we finally left him at 9:30 and headed home. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to leave him, and Rowdy had a HUGE smile on his face when we left. I had explained to him on the ride down to SLC that he was going to have some sleepovers at the doctor's and that they were going to try to figure out what was going on in his head. He took it pretty well, and he LOVED the food they served him for dinner (which I think helped - we all know how Rowdy is with food).

Surprisingly, I was okay with putting Rowdy in this program... Levi was okay with it. Sam was okay with it. Rowdy was okay with it. Paul, on the other hand, was not okay with it. He knew it had to be done, but because of his experience with a young family member of his years ago, he had a hard time with it. He couldn't talk to Rowdy on the way down because he was crying almost the whole trip. He cried a few times while we were at the hospital. I finally told him he needed to get it together so Rowdy didn't think it was a bad thing because it is a positive thing. He doesn't want to hurt other kids, he doesn't want to act the way he does, but he doesn't know how to control it. With this program, we are on our way to an accurate diagnosis for Mr. Franklin Rowdy Davis, the right meds, and the skills to help control his impulses for the rest of his life.

So this week has been nothing but therapy appointments, visiting with the kid, and shuffling Sam around between relatives and sometimes Levi too so that my sister doesn't feel the burden of having two of my kids while I deal with everything for the third. I am very grateful for my family and the help they have given me, as well as some of Paul's family, during this time. Without their support it would be much harder.


I also think it would have been much harder had I not been in a similar situation when I was 14. Even though it was hard for my parents, they made decisions that I was not happy about, but am grateful for because I still use the skills I learned 18 years ago during a hospitalization due to severe depression and self mutilation to fight depression even today. And I don't think I cried when taking Rowdy to the hospital on Monday because I know it's not that bad... it's hard, but it's not like you see in the movies. Plus, I cried over the problems enough in the last year and a half. I was here dealing with it pretty much by myself while Paul worked or slept. Something had to be done - and this was for the best all around. Not only does this help Rowdy - but it also saves me from going insane! I know, I know, most of you are thinking, "Wow... I thought she had totally gone insane last year... she has some sanity left?" Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Not much, but a little, and I'd rather not lose the rest of it or I'm going to end up in the adult unit at the U of U.

I called Tommy, my ex-husband and Rowdy's dad, when I was going to admit him and he said to let him know what was going on. After he was admitted I let him know what was going on. I talked to him again this evening (first I'd heard from him since Monday) and told him what was going on, and he seemed indifferent about it. Kind of like he was concerned because he had to be. He asked a few questions and I answered them, and gave him the phone number and the visiting information in case he wanted to call him and/or go up and visit him, but I can't guarantee he will because he asked if Rowdy could turn down talking to him or visiting with him if he goes up there and I told him that Rowdy could say he didn't want to talk or visit with him. It is his right if he wants to pass on the phone call or visit. If it is going to agitate him or piss him off then the nurses and doctors on the ward don't want it to happen. Rowdy is so unpredictable that I can't say yes it will piss him off or no he will be happy to visit with his dad. However, Rowdy and Levi both have a lot of issues to work out with their dad and they need to be taken care of. We need to get to the root of why they dislike him and why they call their real dad "Tommy" and call Pauley "dad". I have an idea, but it's only speculation... until it is discussed and the reason comes out of their mouths we will never know why this happened or why they think this way. I can, however, say it warms my heart that Paul has accepted them as his own and the boys have accepted Paul as their father - they know who is there for them and has been there for them before they could even talk and that he isn't going anywhere.

They are not really looking at Bipolar Disorder for Rowdy right now. His moods seem to be stable. Instead, they are looking more at Autism Spectrum Disorders. The reason for this is because he is at around 50% of where the rest of his class is as far as learning and school is concerned, even though he has an IEP and he is in resource class for part of the day to try to catch him up to them. They asked about my pregnancy with him, and anyone who knew me at that time knows that my pregnancy with him was a nightmare - during the pregnancy during the delivery, and after he was born. I still have problems with my back and belly to this day because of the labor, the c-section, and the STAPH infection after the delivery, so Lord knows it was hard on him too - the whole not breathing after he was born, not being able to stabilize his body temperature, the nurses not being able to regulate his blood sugar, and being 10 lbs and 22 inches long didn't help anything either. They started asking about his development, and when I got to thinking about it he did everything later than Levi or Sam did. He didn't crawl until he was 8 months old, he didn't walk until he was 13-14 months old, and really talking, even one word here and there, didn't happen until he was around 21 months old. Of course mama was there, and he could say "gam" (Gram) and "gapa" (Grandpa), but not much else was there. His vocabulary consisted of around 6-7 words. Top that with him just walking around the perimeter of the yard instead of playing with the other kids in the yard and the neighborhood that wanted him to come play, and you can definitely see a problem there.

The problem is that at the time it was just explained as him being a bigger kid. When addressing concerns at well baby preventative check-ups, since he was a really happy kid, it was explained that he was a bigger kid so it would take him longer to get up to speed physically. There was no reason to test him for problems. Monday I realized that I blamed myself for his problems - there had to be something I did wrong while I was pregnant with him that caused this. I was crying at the Dr. office and it just spilled out of my mouth and our Dr. looked at me and said, "There is no reason to think that way - you did everything that you were told to do. The problem is that there are problems on both sides of his family genetically, and he got more of one side than the other. Levi got the other side." And no, I'm not going to say which side of the boys' family each one takes after - I like to think I have a good relationship with the boys' aunt and uncle (Tommy's half-siblings) and want to keep it that way. What I said was not meant to offend anyone and I want to continue to have a good relationship with them for the sake of my children because I think they are GREAT influences on them.

But anyway, I guess I better get to sleep. I have to be in SLC at 10 AM for another therapy appointment with Rowdy in the morning after dropping Levi off at school, Sam off at Paul's sister's house, and fighting the idiots on the freeway. I have lived in Utah for 13 1/2 years now and I'm still wondering how the population keeps increasing because the people out here can't drive for SHIT!

And on that note, I'm outta here. Until next time...

It seems to be never-ending...

So I spent the entire morning searching and applying for jobs. I have two weeks of unemployment left and no leads. I have this strange feeling I'm going to end up at a fast food place - and if I do, oh well... at least I will be making an effort to support my family. The only problem I see with it may be that we just saved the house and now I'm not going to have an income to keep it. I'm sure it will work out, it always does.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with the school about Rowdy. I don't know what I'm going to do with that kid. I'm almost to the point of letting him be admitted to Primary Children's Hospital for observation and diagnosis. I know it will be hard for him because of his age, but in the long run it will help. We can't find anyone to see him because they aren't taking new patients or they require payment up front and then we have to be reimbursed from the insurance company. Hello - we have a letter from the insurance company stating they guarantee full payment for many visits. Shouldn't that be enough to get help for a child who needs it? And in this day and age, who has the money to pay for visits up front when they cost $200+ just for the doctor to see them for an evaluation? By admitting him we will be in contact with a physician that can help him and will not require prepayment, and our insurance will pay 100% for the hospital visit - but to what emotional damage to my child? Is this really the only option I have?

I find it ridiculous that in this state you cannot get help for mental/behavioral disorders unless you have a low enough income that you can get a medicaid card or a high enough income that you can prepay everything... what about the lower-middle class that is neither? Should the people just be cast to the side until they do something severe enough to end up in the correctional system where they have to be "rehabilitated"? All I want is help for my child and it seems to be impossible to get at this point. So I send emails and make phone calls and search the internet for resources daily that could lead to helping a 7 year old with behavioral/mental disorders... and I haven't found much in northern Utah. If we still lived in central Illinois there would be more than enough routes to explore. But in the prozac capital of the United States where people are told to hide their problems and pretend like nothing is wrong there are few resources available.

Will I be able to find help for my child before it's too late? Every day without help is leading him down a path that he shouldn't have to travel. It is possible to help him - he's still young... but will others help him that have the resources to do it? So far no - at least not in this area of the country we live in.

If only I could find a job or two to cover medical costs and get things started.

Until next time...

Blah Blah Blah...

Blah blah blah...

I think that's all my kids hear when I talk. They have mastered the art of selective hearing already. Yesterday we cleaned house, and I had to get an attitude and start slamming things around to get anyone to help. That isn't the best way to do it, but it seems to be the only way I can get my point across these days to anyone in this household. But I have a semi-clean house now so I guess I got something accomplished.

What are the major things that a relationship needs to thrive? In my opinion there must be communication, respect for one another, and trust. It doesn't matter if the relationship is with your spouse, your child, your sibling or grandparent, or just a friend. If you don't have those three things, what is the point in having that relationship?

The lines of communication in my household can definitely stand to be improved. It seems that the only time anyone listens here is when there is screaming and yelling. That is enough to put anyone in a constant bad mood (not to mention make the manufacturers of headache medicine richer). Talking instead of yelling is definitely something the males in this household need to work on. No one likes to be yelled at, but they seem to think the only way to communicate is to do it as loud as you can.

Respect is another thing that needs to be worked on. In my house I don't think there is much respect at all between the males, and I don't think they respect me. People say respect must be earned, but how much do you have to do before you earn that respect? How far do you have to go before you are just being walked on and taken for granted? I know I'm taken for granted in my house, but like my last post explained, I'm the mom - it's my job.

However, recently I have come to the conclusion that someone I thought respected me really didn't. I don't know what I did or didn't do for that person to push me aside - to my knowledge I haven't done anything. And their spouse, who I thought I was very close to, isn't speaking to me much either. Coincidence? Who knows. I'm not going to worry about this any longer though. When that person or those people are ready to acknowledge my existence again they'll come around. Will I be there? Who knows. Probably. I'm a bit of a push over. I don't have any close friends, just a lot of acquaintances, so when I lose a friend that I can trust and consider close it affects me more than it should. Stupid and silly I know, but I've NEVER had many friends and that is just the way it has always been.

Trust is a big thing in any relationship. If there is no trust then what's the point? You are constantly second guessing the other person and their motives. There will be no open communication because you are constantly thinking that the person is going to run out and gossip about what you have told them, which will cause more and more drama in your life. Luckily (or unluckily) I have always been a person that people can trust to keep from gossiping. My theory on the whole thing is if that person that told me something wanted other people to know what they did or said then they would have told other people themselves. One friend I have has nicknamed me "the vault" because they can tell me anything and I won't tell a soul. Why do I need to? All it does is hurt feelings and cause problems between people.

So what am I getting at?

From my experience, if you don't have trust, respect, and communication in any relationship you will be unhappy. What do you do if you are married and you feel that you don't have those things? You look at the relationship and decide if there is something worth keeping. If it is then you change things. If you don't have the skills to change them yourself, you seek help in changing them - you go to counseling, you sit down and talk about things at home, and you make time for each other. If you decide there isn't anything there worth keeping or working on - you get out of it before you hurt not only yourself but others in the process.

If you need to change your friends to salvage the relationships that are worth keeping then do it. However, if you keep the friends that aren't true friends and get rid of the ones who are then you're doing nothing but setting yourself up for failure.

The decisions you make regarding your friends and family affect not only you, but the people around you. It affects your spouse, your children, and others depending on the decision you have to make. You may just hurt the feelings of those around you and the relationship will be repaired. On the other hand, you may damage a relationship beyond repair and you'll lose a good friend. It's also possible that the relationship will repair itself, but not to the degree it used to be - you become more like acquaintances than true, close friends.

Think about your relationships. Decide which ones are worth keeping and which ones aren't. Think about how you can repair the relationships that are worth repairing. Absolve the relationships that are harmful. It will be hard, but it will be worth it in the long run.

If life in the fast lane is too fast for you, move to the shoulder and apply the brakes for a while - you never know when you're going to crash.

Until next time...

Being a mom...

Being a mom has its rewards, but after being at home for a year and a half now I have come to the conclusion that this stay-at-home mom stuff is for the birds. Don't get me wrong - I love my children to death. I just wasn't meant to be a stay-at-home mom. I am a career mom. I need a job to make me whole.There is something missing in my life, and it's the daily grind OUTSIDE OF THE HOME! All this staying at home has done is make me stir-crazy and ready to kill. I need to be around people that care about more than Wow-Wow-Wubbzy and whether they get to play the Wii or not. And it needs to happen FAST! I'm ready to go work at McDonald's with all the idiots, and with only 3 weeks of unemployment left that might just happen if someone isn't interested in me soon. Keep your fingers crossed that I get a job soon.

Anyway...

Why am I leading with this? Well, because I have come to the conclusion that the world would not turn without a mom to keep things going. I was a single mom for awhile, and I found it easier to be a single mom than a married mom at that time. I think sometimes, especially being a stay-at-home mom not by choice, that it would be easier to be a single mom again - even with one more kid than I had then.

The question that always bugs me is why is it when you have a child the only life that seems to dramatically change is the mother's life? Even before the baby is born the mom has to give things up. If you smoke you're told to quit. If you like to have a drink every once in a while you can't. You have to eat healthier. If you have gestational diabetes you have to give up almost everything you love to eat and, in some cases, poke yourself with a needle several times a day. You waddle, your belly is stretched beyond recognition, things hurt that never have before, and your whole wardrobe is put away for at least 9 months, if not for the rest of your life depending on how much weight you gain or lose. I was fortunate enough to lose weight with each pregnancy (30+ lbs each one from my pre-pregnancy weight), but in return I had to watch and weigh everything I put in my mouth and with the last 2 kids had to inject myself with insulin 7 times a day, sometimes 8.

Then, when our bellies cannot take anymore stretching and we would like to actually be able to eat more than 3 bites before having to wait 30-45 minutes before we can eat anything else because there is no more room to put any food in our stomach because everything is crammed into our rib cage and we pee every 5 minutes because the baby decides they need to stretch, we get to go through hours of pain and agony to deliver the child into this world. Then, if it's a "normal" delivery, we walk around like we sat on a hot coal... if it's a c-section, we're gutted like a fish, our insides taken out, put back in, walk like a hunchback because it hurts to stand, and can't lift anything over 10 lbs for 2 weeks. Seriously? The kid in the car seat weighs more than 10 lbs and they want us to watch it? Get real.If you can show me a mom that actually does that then I've got some ocean front property in Arizona I can get you a good price on.

Anyway, the baby gets here and everyone wants to see it... the mom no longer exists. If you are out somewhere without the baby people ask "why didn't you bring the baby?" People who have never been to your house before will show up just to see the baby. Every once in a while you get a "how are you doing?" or "you look tired!" No shit? I have been up for the last (fill in the blank with an outrageous number) hours straight changing diapers and wiping puke off myself while trying to keep up with the other household chores. And if you already have children at home you have to find a way to entertain them too and make them feel included. And God help you if you are moody at any time during or after the pregnancy - everyone takes it to heart. They just can't accept that your hormones are all over the place because you just squeezed a new life into this world out of a hole that is much smaller than the actual child and are not only feeling sore but also a bit overwhelmed.

Meanwhile, the dad continues life as normal with a small inconvenience here and there. They still get to play sports, they don't have to take time off work, they still hang out with their friends. They get to show the kid off every once in a while and get "boy - you sure did a good job makin' a cute baby!" They get to eat what they want, still get to wear their normal clothing, they don't have to worry about finding a babysitter to do things outside of the house, and the only pain they go through is when the mother inflicts it upon them because they are being an asshole or need to relieve some stress.

Now, I'm not saying children are an inconvenience - they are a blessing. I love my children with all my heart and would not trade any of them for the world (although every once in a while I would trade them for a diet pepsi and a snickers bar). When they have their firsts - their first smile, first laugh, first time they roll over, crawl, pull themselves up, walk, first word, first time they ride a bike, play sports, first crush, first sleepover (hopefully not with their crush), etc - it is so worth it. And when they say "I love you mom" for no reason at all, just out of the blue, it's the best feeling in the world. It's like someone just sprinkled pixie dust on you and pushed you into a rainbow and the colors are all around you and you can't help but smile and giggle.

But most days aren't like that. Most days moms are just taken for granted. They are expected to feed everyone, make sure everyone has clean clothes, a clean house, make sure the bills are paid, and just plain ole worry about the kids well-being in general. Moms are the comforter when the kid is sick or hurt, they are the provider when the kids need anything, and they are the go-to for just about anything and everything the child could possibly want. We are their first strike, and if it doesn't get past mom then they go to dad and it's "go ask your mom".

And what do we get in return from everyone? My favorite shirt isn't clean, I can't find my socks, Ewwww - gross! I'm not eating that! and have you seen my (fill in the blank)? I left it right here on the couch so I could find it but someone has moved it.

Hmmmm... wonder if it ever occurred to the family members in the house that a thank you or I appreciate you goes a long way. Even a few hours OUT of the house alone or with a girlfriend or two once every couple weeks would work, preferably without the dad getting all in a huff and losing control of the household while the mom is gone or getting ready to go.

When you work outside of the home you get paid money for what you do. When you work AT HOME as a homemaker it seems all you get is yelled at for one thing or another, and you know if you had a "real job" that treated you like you get treated at home you would quit in a heartbeat and tell your boss to stuff it (and maybe a customer or two off also). At home you're just expected to take it - no matter what. And if you don't then you're moody, pissy, in a bad mood, a bad mom, or you just don't care and need to change your attitude.

What am I getting at with this long long post?

Well, to make a long story short (too late, I know), is if you're a mom and you're feeling the same thing I am, you're not alone. I totally know where you're coming from. And if you need to vent then do it! I'm here if you can't find anyone. If you need time away from your children I'm more than willing to go somewhere with you and escape mine!

And if you're a dad - HELP OUT if you don't. Say thank you for things. Let your wife know you appreciate her and everything she does for everyone in the household and friends and extended family she does stuff for. We understand you work to pay the bills, please understand that we work too - even though we don't get paid money and don't leave the house to do it. And please understand that our job doesn't ever end! The next time we are bitchy, please keep this in mind, and don't get an attitude. Offer to rub our back or our feet - that would mean more to us than you could ever imagine.

Okay - I'm done with my rant. Sorry it's so long. I know I said this one would be about relationships, and this leads into it in a way.

Until next time...

Dr. Oz and other things...

Today I was watching Dr. Oz like I always do after taking the kids to school and realized I had never been to his website. So I picked up the computer and went to www.doctoroz.com, and what I found amazed me! There are some great healthy recipes, tips from his show, and all kinds of challenges you can participate in. I love watching Dr. Oz. However, I can't see why all the women are so excited to hug him and talk to him... they must be star struck because personally I think he looks like an overgrown elf. But he does cover some excellent subjects and have great tips on the show for eating healthier, explaining some medical conditions people are interested in, and does some GREAT demonstrations. Today's demonstration was on the colon and eating right, and it definitely caught my attention. Another one that caught my attention was the correct way to pop zits - just because it was so disgusting it was funny. You can see that one below :)



Anyway, you can see lots more tips and tricks and things at http://www.doctoroz.com if you have never checked it out, do it - it's worth it!

On another note, Rowdy is on his two weeks without meds thing to see if he is bipolar or if it is something else. He got in trouble at school the other day for pushing a kid down. He's been getting in trouble for that a lot lately, and it's always the same two kids he has altercations with. I got an email from his teacher explaining that he was going to be missing recess for the next two days (he will get them back Friday), so I explained to the teacher what was going on and that while I don't expect them to bend over backwards, there are some things that he needs - like a safe room where he can go when he's pissed off and a little more patience with him. I've been asking for these things since October. He has a safe area, but it's right outside the classroom and everyone can see him when he's upset about something - which just pisses him off more. I told her it was going to be hell and if she had any more questions she could contact me. She wrote back pretty much just thanking me for the warning. I really hope they take my "warning" to heart or they're gonna have a couple weeks of hell and a pissed off mom at the school.

Also, March 31 marks one year that my aunt has been gone. Cancer won a year ago and she was taken from us. While she wasn't always the most pleasant person, I think it was put best by everyone at her services when they said that she was a "very independent, very DETERMINED woman". While I wasn't really close to her growing up, I am proud that I knew her. I just wish she would make it stop snowing here today!! Seriously - snow? All day? Couldn't you have just ordered rain for us here in Utah? People who knew her will know what I'm talking about... RIP Aunt Kathy  XO

Well, I better get to bed. I have an appointment with a hand specialist in the morning about my little finger and my ring finger on each hand always numb and a bump on my left thumb that has been there since I was 16. I wouldn't fret about the bump, but it's grown 4x the size it was in the last month and hurts 70% of the time, and when you push on it the rest of my fingers and my palm goes numb and tingly. If I need surgery then they better schedule me soon so I don't have time to chicken out before it's done!

The subject for the next post I think is going to be relationships... I'm not a relationship expert, but I do have some things I want to talk about and get some opinions about.

So, until next time...

OH! And if I say something you want to talk to me about, you can catch me on FB or email me or even leave a comment, or text me, or call me... I know you're reading this and who you are because I have tricks like that so you don't have to hide from me ;)