Boredom eater... Comfort eater... or Simply Addicted?

As I awoke this morning around 4am and couldn't go back to sleep, I noticed a bag of Snickers bars laying on the bed where Paul left them last night before going to work... not a good thing. I felt the bag. Yup - it was more than wrappers. I stuck my hand inside the bag. Yup - amongst the discarded wrappers were 4 bite size pieces of sweet, heavenly nougat, luscious caramel, and crunchy peanuts wrapped in chocolate. So I pulled them out and held them in my hand, debating whether to eat them or not, wondering whether I should give in to the temptation or whether I should put them back. Then a thought occurs to me... I didn't meet my caloric intake for the day yesterday, and since it isn't daylight I can still consider it yesterday, right? And I didn't have a single piece yesterday either. So, I ate one. And it tasted soo good, I ate a second one, and a third, and before I knew it I was sitting there feeling guilty with four wrappers in my hand.

I never ever eat or drink in the middle of the night because it messes up my blood sugars for the day. So why last night/this morning? I went to bed early (about 11:30pm), and when I go to bed before midnight I have trouble sleeping. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was giving in to the temptation. I could have gotten up, wandered around the house, played XBox Live, Wii, computer games, watched TV... but instead I chose to stuff my face with my only weakness and go back to sleep feeling guilty but satisfied.

I am a comfort eater - I know this and have always known this. When things go wrong, either stuff my face or don't eat at all. And since it isn't wise for me not to eat at all, I usually eat too much. I have to find something to take the place of food when I'm feeling down or when life is not going the way I planned. There are many different sayings dealing with life going sour, such as, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" or "When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold" or "When life gives you lemons, you disguise them and sell them to the neighbor kid". But honestly, how much lemonade can you make before you have too much? Or what if you run out of gold paint? What if the neighbor kid gets wise to your deceipt, realizes they are just lemons, and quits buying them from you? What then? Obviously there has to be some way to get rid of the lemons right? Cause I feel like I have a 10' x 20' room that is filled to the ceiling and overflowing with lemons at any given point in my life, and have felt this way for years and years. So I'm going to have to find some way to get rid of these lemons.

Boredom... that's a big one for me now that I don't have a job. While I'm grateful to be at home with my kids, I am bored out of my mind and have been since I was laid off in October. Yes, there are many household projects I could do and I have done some of them, but most of them require two people and I am only one. The kids keep me busy to a point, but they like to do their own thing most of the time. So here I am, cleaning up after everyone and when that's done or when I get fed up with it and go on strike I'm bored again. So I eat. And eat. And eat some more. Phentermine helps curb the boredom and comfort eating, but then we get into the "I have to force myself to eat" thing again. So when I don't have the Phentermine, instead of eating I smoke. And I smoke. And I smoke some more. Which is just as bad, if not worse, than eating. Both will kill me, but which is the lesser of two evils?? 

Overeating can lead to health problems, such as:

1. Diabetes
2. Hyperlipidemia
3. Blood circulation diseases like arteriosclerosis, high blood pressure, heart disease, and palsy
4. Skin disease
5. Joint problems, back, knee, and ankle pain
6. Liver disease
7. Cholelithiasis
8. Menstrual abnormalities
9. Female infertility
10. Breast cancer 

11. Endometrium cancer
12. Decline in libido
13. Mental stress

Smoking can lead to health problems, such as:

1. Shortness of breath and dizziness 

2. Lung diseases such as chronic bronchitis and emphysema 

3. Heart disease, including stroke, heart attack, vascular disease, and aneurysm (burst blood vessel)

4. Lung, mouth, throat, bladder, pancreas and kidney cancer 

5. Dry skin and premature wrinkles
 

So which is the lesser of two evils? Yes, smoking kills, but so does obesity. Which one to work on first? I quit smoking before when I was about 2 months pregnant with Rowdy. One Saturday I woke up and wasn't feeling well and was out of cigarettes. Tommy (my ex-husband) was home for a couple of days and I asked him to go get me some. He said no. I bugged and bugged and bugged, but he wasn't giving in. I really didn't feel like getting dressed and running up to the store, so I went the day without them. Sunday I didn't feel like it either, and he still wasn't giving in and I didn't want to ask my mom or dad to go get them (we were living with them), so I went another day without them. Monday, on the way to work, I passed the store on the corner and thought about going in and getting some, but instead I kept driving. That was it - I quit. I was done. This was in early June of 2002. After I had Sam in May of 2006, things once again started getting bad - Paul and I were newly married and things weren't going well, I had the two boys who were upset because the new baby was here and they felt like they were not getting enough attention, and I was living with and fighting with my mother once again. So, taking advantage of the time off, I started partying, one thing led to another, and one night I found myself with a Wild Berry Prime Time in my hand. That one led to another, and another, and soon I was just buying a pack instead of singles. Then, one day at work I was out of them and bummed a cigarette from a co-worker, and that was all she wrote. I tried to hide it from Paul for about 6 months, but he knew something was up, and when we went to Mesquite in March of 2007, I openly smoked in front of him and have been ever since. I know I need to quit again, but just can't bring myself to face the lack of something in my hands and know that I will start eating again due to boredom.

Which brings me back to the whole eating thing. You can't just stop eating - you will die. You can make healthier choices and not gorge yourself until you're ready to puke, but when you're severely obese and addicted to food, that's easier said than done. Like I said before, I have fought weight problems since I was little. Do I blame my parents for letting me have that second helping? Do I blame my mother for taking me to the mall to her candy store after school sometimes or on the days I stayed home from school? Do I blame my grandparents for never telling me no when I wanted something to eat, even though I didn't need it and was bored? No, I don't. I don't blame any of them. I blame myself. I blame myself for not making the right choices even though my parents took me to dietitian after dietitian and I knew what the healthy choices were. I blame myself for not following through with Weight Watchers when my mother put me in it when I was in 3rd grade (yes, she actually took me to WW when I was 8 years old). I blame myself for not following through with diet after diet.

 

My 5th grade school pic

But this is a new me. No more blame. Now comes the lifestyle change and following through. Why you ask? Well, part of it is because I'm unhappy. Part is because something has to change before I end up in a wheel chair, start experiencing organ failure and have to have a transplant, or dead. But most importantly, because I want to see my kids grow up, graduate from high school, college, and get married. Rowdy is 6 years old and weighs 104 lbs - part of it is the medication he is on, the other part is me not teaching him the importance of healthy eating. Sure, at that weight and with his "disposition", he will be an animal next year in football. However, do I want him having a heart attack on the football field when he's in 8th grade and weighs close to 300 lbs? No. This is not just for me, it's for my family. And because of that it is going to happen if it kills me and everyone in this household!

And on that note, I have a house to clean. Today I'm attacking the living room, dining room, kitchen, and the bathroom. And maybe doing some laundry - I HATE LAUNDRY! But, I have to get over it. This is the new me, and as much as the new me still hates laundry, housework of any kind, and yard work if it isn't in the garden, I'm going to do it. 

Until this evening's reflections, have a good day!  :)