Stress Stress Go Away! Don't Come Back Another Day!!

Ugh - will it ever end??

I know, stupid question, but I had to ask it. When you ask that question, the standard answer from people is "Things will get better. Keep your chin up!" Or, if they are a comedian like my brother-in-law Doug, or maybe a realist, the answer is "Yeah, things will get better - when you die."

I know a lot of people that have been asking this question lately. One person even posted on their blog, "For Sale, one life completely furnished" and ended the post with "If interested contact a medical professional regarding your sanity immediately or turn and run in the opposite direction." I know what that person is feeling because I have been feeling the same way for many months now. I look at my life and think if only I hadn't lost my job. If only I had over-ridden Paul's decision not to move to Phoenix and said I'm going and taking the kids whether you go or not. If only I had been more productive at work. If only... If only... If only... I could go on and on and on with the If onlys... Hind sight is the best sight, right? But since we can't change the past, I have to figure out a way to make the future better. Make it something worth looking forward to.

Every morning I open my eyes and think, "Oh great. Another friggin' day. Wonder how many times I'm going to cry. Wonder how many fights I'm going to have to break up. Wonder how many bill collectors are going to call. Wonder what's going to get broken of mine that I worked hard for." You get the point. Again, I could go on and on and on. The days I wake up and say, "It's another beautiful day! I'm gonna make it the best I can!" usually turn out to be the crappiest days of my life, so I quit doing that. Why build up your hopes just to get knocked down? If you start at the bottom the only way to go is up, right? Today started off with a head butt over a twinkie between Levi and Rowdy. A twinkie of all things. Sheesh!

I'm a "stay at home mom" right now. Many people would kill to do what I do. So many times I have heard people say "I would love to not have to work and get to stay home and spend more time with the kids and not have the stress of my job on top of everything else." I used to think the same thing when Levi was born, then again when I was pregnant with Rowdy. However, being on bedrest for 3 1/2 months before Rowdy was born changed my thinking, and after I had him and was able to go back to work 8 weeks later, I welcomed the going back to work. Since I had a PICC line in my arm and had to administer IV antibiotics to myself, I had to do some fast talking to get a Dr. release and to talk Hanjin into accepting me back, but I did it and I loved being back. For 4 months after that, you would see an IV pole pop up twice a day in my cubicle, I would hook myself up, and continue doing what I was supposed to be doing at work like nothing was going on. Hanjin wanted me to do it somewhere else because they said it was a distraction, and maybe it was for a couple of weeks, but after the newness wore off no one even noticed it. It was then I realized that I wasn't a stay at home mom - I was a career mom.

I have always had to stay busy to keep my mind off of things in life that aren't going right. Not having a job has given me more time to focus on the things that are right, but also the things that are wrong. I have 3 handsome, healthy boys that I love dearly. On the other hand, I have 3 kids that have no respect for anything no matter how much I discipline them or try to teach them respect and right from wrong. I own my own 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house and have a place to live. On the other hand, I own a 35 year old house that is falling apart and I don't have the skill or help to fix the things that need to be fixed, and since I can't find a job I'm probably going to lose it anyway so what does it matter? I am fortunate enough to be married to a man that loves me. On the other hand, he gets to play softball and bowl in his free time while I do nothing but deal with our naughty kids. I have a big family that supports me in whatever I do. On the other hand, most of them are so far away and everyone is so busy that we don't talk much because we can't find the time to do it.

So how do you change your way of thinking to look at the positive instead of the negative? It's hard, and I'm having a hard time doing it, especially with the stress of life coming down on me harder now than any time in the last 9 years. In November of 1996, I picked up and moved to Utah to get away from the lifestyle I was living. I wasn't even out here a month before I woke up one morning and decided I needed to go back to Illinois. So I packed a back, called my mom and told her I was going back, hopped in the car, drove all night by myself, and spent a week in central Illinois. I did this several times in 1997,1998, and 1999, and each time I went back to Illinois I would bring a friend back to Utah with me so I wouldn't be lonely. One of them ended up staying and making a better life for themself here, the others went back after a while.  I lost a couple of jobs because of this, but I didn't care. As long as I had the money to get to Illinois and back I went. My thought was that I could always find another job when I got back.

In 2000, I got married Tommy, and things really didn't change until I found out I was pregnant with Levi in January of 2001. I was scared to death, but everyone else was happily looking forward to his birth, so I sucked up the fear, put on a happy face, and tried to be the best expectant mother I could. When he was born everyone was ecstatic except me - I was just tired and scared. I will never forget the first night he was home from the hospital. He was only a few days old and Tommy had taken the night off cause he was working graves at the time. My mom was helping me wash the baby clothes I hadn't gotten washed due to being on bedrest for 2 weeks. My dad was sitting on the couch holding Levi and watching old John Wayne movies. Every once in a while he would say something to Levi about the movie, and I remember thinking how fortunate Levi was to have my dad as a grandfather. After they left for the evening, I gave Levi a bottle, put him in bassinet that was right by my bed, and laid down on my bed. He started crying, so I got up and rocked him for a bit until he quit crying, laid him back down, and he woke back up. I did this for around an hour when I realized I wasn't getting any sleep. The last time I picked him up, he just screamed and screamed and screamed all night. I finally sat down on the bed and rocked back and forth crying all night while Levi screamed and Tommy slept beside us, oblivious to what was going on. It was then that I knew I was in over my head, and by myself. When I found out I was pregnant with Rowdy the only thing that went through my head was "Oh Shit". When I found out I was pregnant with Sam I had a nervous breakdown. Seriously. How was I going to handle 3 when I could barely handle 2?

Here I am, almost 8 years to the day since Levi was born, but now I have 3 children, I have been divorced, remarried, I am unemployed, and I am feeling the weight of it all like never before. My sister found out last week that as of October 4 she will no longer have a job with the company she has worked at for 12 years. There is nothing out there in the way of work. I can't count the number of applications I have put in and the different email addresses and fax numbers I have sent my resume to. The bill collectors call non-stop, the kids don't listen, the house is always messed up, laundry keeps accruing, and I sit here wondering when it will all end or at least when I will get a job to make it better. I would not trade my children for anything in the world. But, at some point, something has to give, right?

I guess until then I will just keep on keepin' on cause that is what I'm expected to do. I will try to look on the brighter side of things, and quit wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. But I still can't help but wonder when it is my turn to do something fun while Paul watches the kids, or why other people have it together enough to take 6 kids on an outing when we can't even successfully get out the door with 3 of them. Just remember - if you're feeling the same way I am, you're not the only one feeling this way.

Until next time...

Quote of the day:
"She's done what she should. Should she do what she dares? She doesn't wanna leave she's just wonderin' is there life out there."
-- From Reba McEntyre's song, Is there life out there?